I am a worthless useless lazy piece of shit who can only complain about pain. I don't contribute to society, don't help the poor, I'm tempted to just drink and I don't fit in anywhere in this world. The ressources I suck up could be better spent on the poor. My spouse left me probably as a punishment for me for being worthless. I told myself already before that I would fucking end myself if my spouse left me. It would be the last straw. But I never thought it would actually happen, but it did. And I deserve it, it was a sign that I should kill myself.
I can empathize, I feel as though if there is a god(s), or any diety(s) they clearly resent me to the point that it's maddening and overwhelming for my simplistic human brain to even hope to comprehend. I can honestly count on a single hand the times I purposefully screwed another person over and half of those times were to get even, I've literally lived the life of a person who has gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, ad infinitum from a young age onwards and was subsequently tossed aside or even metaphorically shat on.
I could go into detail but I'd end up writing 30+ paragraphs so I'll avoid doing that; but let's just say my life has been a living fucking hell and that is putting it lightly, in fact a lake of fire sounds like a weekend getaway because repeatedly having my flesh hewed and burnt to a crisp before it regrows for eternity would at least get me out of my mind.
I've always been a somewhat intelligent guy (book smart) and possess a lot of intuition and 9 times out of 10 times I believe something is happening I'm right and 9 times out of 10 I realize there is nothing I could/can do about it because the vast majority of people lack any communication skills whatsoever so I'm forced to sit back and watch everything go to shit and EVERY time I reach out with a helping hand NOBODY wants to hear what I have to say because I'm too straightforward (in a kind fashion) and people can't stand others who give them advice that goes against the majority rules.
For instance, I've dated quite a few women as I'm a fairly attractive guy and can express myself easily and every time we get into a relationship I'm "too nice" and am subsequently taken for granted before I get thrown away for the next shiny new thing, then once the woman comes back after she gets thrown out they appear at my house and make-up sex commences and things go great for a few months before shit repeats itself. Better yet, sometimes they'll show up with a bellyful of some other guys kid and want me back or with a massive debt or some crazy ex after them who wants them dead and they need a place to hide in exchange for food and sex.
This has happened to me DOZENS of times and it's likely because I lack ambition, I'm content with my small property that has a roof and four walls and owning my 15 year-old pickup, there are no women that want to build a relationship with a guy like me because I'm just some regular joe.
My ex-wife came back into my life recently and guess what? She is pregnant with another mans child, in debt, AND has a crazy ex hunting her down. Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner! I promised myself on our wedding day I'd stick with her until death due us part and unlike most people I follow through with every promise I make so here I am, going to be a father to a child that isn't mine, to a wife that has had trains ran on her, and I'm helping her pay off her debts.
At least she obviously knows that the grass isn't greener by now because she went from a stable life to being gangbanged by meth heads in a trap house and when she came back she got on her hands and knees and begged me to take her back to the point that she latched onto my leg and cried a literal puddle underneath us while covered in bruises and cuts.
But I am a man of my word and took her back, I will do my best but if things EVER go to shit again (not just an argument or fight but her leaving) I told her I will not be here the next time she shows up. I'll no longer be a conscious resident of this existence but I never mentioned that to her obviously.
But yeah, life is a total pain in the ass and really not worth the effort, would have CTB years ago before I made a promise to my wife on our marriage but one man can only deal with so much so I guess it's "wait and see".
