![jyko](/data/avatars/l/73/73375.jpg?1723498388)
jyko
Here in night city
- Aug 13, 2023
- 37
For context I believe I have sourced some good SN doing alot of research and deciphering of my own here, just need to test and then after that prepare everything else (ae and a decent hotel spot). The side effects don't sound too dissimilar from alot of my daily life anyway (recovering severe alcoholic with constant near death dehydration, tachycardia, throwing up, malnutrition weakness and dizziness etc, the works) so I'm content and not scared at all for what's to come. Poison don't scare me I drink it every day lol
But thats the problem. I've given my body an ultimate end scenario and it doesn't like it. So most of the day I sit in this apathetic state but for some very few moments my body reminds me of all the things I used to like in the past - artists, video games, music itself, youtubers, things that I used to RELY on to stay alive in the past that faded and gave me clarity to work this plan out. But these moments are getting stronger and stronger and its pissing me off because I've deliberately fucked my life up so I can't go back - cut connections, landed myself in bad debt (thousands of pounds) , no job, no prospects, just nothing. Nothing. And so it annoys me SO BAD that my brain is like
"But what about *x artist?* or creator? you'll miss them right? You like them so much you'll never hear them again"
"What about playing that game again? That new album coming? You have a concert booked for March you booked a while ago, don't you wanna finally see it?"
like.... NO. I CANT AND I DONT. none of it matters. You're coping. Shut up. I need to figure out how to train my SI out because that mf is annoyingly strong and I'm tired of it. Just let me go. Let. Me. Go. You've suffered a life of abuse and you wanna stay because pretty dancing man on the screen is cool to you? You sound absolutely insane and pathetic. Christ above. How do I make it stooopppp
But thats the problem. I've given my body an ultimate end scenario and it doesn't like it. So most of the day I sit in this apathetic state but for some very few moments my body reminds me of all the things I used to like in the past - artists, video games, music itself, youtubers, things that I used to RELY on to stay alive in the past that faded and gave me clarity to work this plan out. But these moments are getting stronger and stronger and its pissing me off because I've deliberately fucked my life up so I can't go back - cut connections, landed myself in bad debt (thousands of pounds) , no job, no prospects, just nothing. Nothing. And so it annoys me SO BAD that my brain is like
"But what about *x artist?* or creator? you'll miss them right? You like them so much you'll never hear them again"
"What about playing that game again? That new album coming? You have a concert booked for March you booked a while ago, don't you wanna finally see it?"
like.... NO. I CANT AND I DONT. none of it matters. You're coping. Shut up. I need to figure out how to train my SI out because that mf is annoyingly strong and I'm tired of it. Just let me go. Let. Me. Go. You've suffered a life of abuse and you wanna stay because pretty dancing man on the screen is cool to you? You sound absolutely insane and pathetic. Christ above. How do I make it stooopppp