I'm writing this with the hope that someone reading my story might take something positive away from this experience. I recognize that every situation wading into depression and suicidality is unique and that the lessons gleaned from my exp might not apply to you. Nevertheless, i hope there is something that may prove useful for anyone considering recovery.
BACKGROUND:
I joined SS officially at the end of this past December. At the time, i had just suffered a really awful, terrible breakup with my partner of 3-years. She essentially ended things with me, out of the blue, because she did not see a future with me given a severe disability i have and complex PTSD (CPTSD). I have been working very, very hard on treating both of those conditions in the past few years, but it obviously wasn't enough.
I felt extremely betrayed by my partner, who i had asked on several occasions if she really felt like she wanted to do this. I told her she could find and date someone healthy, without hte problems i have, and that i wouldn't be upset if she walked. This happened twice, but i was reassured both times we had a future and that my partner was committed to me.
I felt completely betrayed, deserted, alone, and worthless. I thought my life would never get better, i would never get over this heartbreak, etc. I hated my family for failing to support me in any way (not juts related to the breakup, but in general), and for what i saw as their active attempts to harm and handicap me. I was drinking almost every day, from the moment i woke up until the moment i managed to shut up my brain long enough to fall asleep.
MY SUICIDALITY:
I attempted to hang myself about seven times, and then on 2-3 occasions i attempted the exit bag. The hanging failures were attributed to poor setup and my neck muscles being quite thick. I couldn't apply enough pressure to my carotid arteries to compress them fully. The exit bag attemps were almost all alcohol fueled. On one attempt i passed out drunk on the floor, with the exit bag on my head but not fully secured. On another attempt i was interrupted by my family suddenly calling me, not knowing about my plans, and keeping me on the line long enough for me to reconsider and eventually go to sleep.
I was even sectioned at one point, unjustifiably so, and kept in a psych ward for just under a day as i fought relentlessly for my freedom. Being stuck there made me extremely suicidal all over again, after a brief repose from this since my last failed attempt. My therapist who i tried to make contact in this period essentially refused to see me. Psychiatrists who i saw in this time were remarkably unhelpful, and i dont' think any of the treatments offered or attempted did anything to help me.
WHERE I AM NOW:
i want to keep going. I want to keep living. I know i will die relatively yuong due to my illness, and that my life will be extremely hard. As it always has been. Somehow i am not discouraged by that.
I still mourn my ex every single day. I wake up and my first thought is her absence from my life. I still struggle with getting out of bed many days, and in the past couple of weeks i have just been paralyzed with grief from waking til sleeping. Nevertheless, i am back in therapy, i am hopefully going to be seeing a psychiatrist soon too, and i am working on rebuilding my sense of self worth and overall sense of self. I am also microdosing LSD, and have tried a macrodose of DMT recently. Perhaps i will add in some form of EMDR for my CPTSD, though i imagine i will be sticking with talk therapy and breathing work for some time.
I don't really know how i ended up here, but i assume the support of some very close friends and one very close relative really helped. I am sure my mind did some heavy lifting as well, but as im still trying to make sense of all my experiences i cannot say anything conclusive about how i ended up here. That being said i'd be happy to update this thread as i continue exploring that thought on my own and in therapy.
Please feel free to ask me any questions you might have about my exp, and i will try my best to answer thoroughly. Hopefully this short story about my experience can be of assistance to others.
BACKGROUND:
I joined SS officially at the end of this past December. At the time, i had just suffered a really awful, terrible breakup with my partner of 3-years. She essentially ended things with me, out of the blue, because she did not see a future with me given a severe disability i have and complex PTSD (CPTSD). I have been working very, very hard on treating both of those conditions in the past few years, but it obviously wasn't enough.
I felt extremely betrayed by my partner, who i had asked on several occasions if she really felt like she wanted to do this. I told her she could find and date someone healthy, without hte problems i have, and that i wouldn't be upset if she walked. This happened twice, but i was reassured both times we had a future and that my partner was committed to me.
I felt completely betrayed, deserted, alone, and worthless. I thought my life would never get better, i would never get over this heartbreak, etc. I hated my family for failing to support me in any way (not juts related to the breakup, but in general), and for what i saw as their active attempts to harm and handicap me. I was drinking almost every day, from the moment i woke up until the moment i managed to shut up my brain long enough to fall asleep.
MY SUICIDALITY:
I attempted to hang myself about seven times, and then on 2-3 occasions i attempted the exit bag. The hanging failures were attributed to poor setup and my neck muscles being quite thick. I couldn't apply enough pressure to my carotid arteries to compress them fully. The exit bag attemps were almost all alcohol fueled. On one attempt i passed out drunk on the floor, with the exit bag on my head but not fully secured. On another attempt i was interrupted by my family suddenly calling me, not knowing about my plans, and keeping me on the line long enough for me to reconsider and eventually go to sleep.
I was even sectioned at one point, unjustifiably so, and kept in a psych ward for just under a day as i fought relentlessly for my freedom. Being stuck there made me extremely suicidal all over again, after a brief repose from this since my last failed attempt. My therapist who i tried to make contact in this period essentially refused to see me. Psychiatrists who i saw in this time were remarkably unhelpful, and i dont' think any of the treatments offered or attempted did anything to help me.
WHERE I AM NOW:
i want to keep going. I want to keep living. I know i will die relatively yuong due to my illness, and that my life will be extremely hard. As it always has been. Somehow i am not discouraged by that.
I still mourn my ex every single day. I wake up and my first thought is her absence from my life. I still struggle with getting out of bed many days, and in the past couple of weeks i have just been paralyzed with grief from waking til sleeping. Nevertheless, i am back in therapy, i am hopefully going to be seeing a psychiatrist soon too, and i am working on rebuilding my sense of self worth and overall sense of self. I am also microdosing LSD, and have tried a macrodose of DMT recently. Perhaps i will add in some form of EMDR for my CPTSD, though i imagine i will be sticking with talk therapy and breathing work for some time.
I don't really know how i ended up here, but i assume the support of some very close friends and one very close relative really helped. I am sure my mind did some heavy lifting as well, but as im still trying to make sense of all my experiences i cannot say anything conclusive about how i ended up here. That being said i'd be happy to update this thread as i continue exploring that thought on my own and in therapy.
Please feel free to ask me any questions you might have about my exp, and i will try my best to answer thoroughly. Hopefully this short story about my experience can be of assistance to others.
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