Venting i suck at relationships

[imnot_bunni]

I always felt out of place, like I didn't understand life. I hate the way I think, feel, act, look, everything. No matter how hard I try to improve, I always end up repeating the same cycles and finding myself hopeless.

I hate how I am with people. I'm somone who feels very deeply and intensely, especially for people. I have so much love for everyone around me. I love people in general. I crave deep connection with everyone. I love observing the little things about people, hearing their thoughts, learning their likes, dislikes, past, everything. There's nothing "good" or "bad" about anyone in my head, it's just where they are in life from everything they've experienced. It's all beautiful to me

I get strongly attached to people. I've had an issue with that from as far back as I can remember. I loved being around people all the time, talking to them nonstop, and forming deep connections. Later on, my attachments became more unhealthy and intense, especially with where I'm at right now. I've been feeling extremely lonely and isolated lately and hold onto anyone I feel connected too. It's so chaotic for me especially with people I have feelings for. I'm constantly scared of them losing interest, not being good enough, being abandoned, and anything else that'll make them leave. I get so hurt when it feels like they don't care too. My love is so intense and almost obsessive and I keep realizing people just don't love the same way.
My expectations aren't even that high right now. I wanna at least be understood and seen for who I am. I hate needing a friend and having no one talk to which is why I'm even posting this here in the first place.

Relationships are so difficult, intense, and scary for me. I'm tired of feeling so alone. It's like I have no purpose outside of a relationship then life becomes hell when I'm in one because I keep fucking up and can't let people go. Abandonment is seriously the worst thing I've ever experienced. I just want a genuine deep connection with someone but it never works out. I wish people were serious about relationships and more understanding of what someone's gonna go through. I understand and respect they wanna leave but I don't get why. As corny as it sounds, I love people so strongly that I would do literally anything to work things out and improve it for both of us. I lose it when it hits me that I never even meant that much to them and they're gonna be gone.

 

[dumblosergirl]

I feel this. It's so crushing when people don't put in the same effort I am which in turn hurts. Bad. They could be doing nothing and I panic and worry about whether they hate me or not. It isn't fair our minds aren't allowing us to have any relationship because we push them away or they leave on their own accord because it's too much on them. I just want to love and be loved but I'm not being allowed to and death sounds like a better solution. The thoughts are too much.

 

[Maggiemags]

In the last few weeks I met someone on a last ditch effort and also my first time going to a club. I didn't really have the money to go but I also planned on hanging myself that night so the money didnt matter. I expected nothing and if something was to happen I expected to meet a guy but it ended up that a girl started gesturing for me to come over and dance and talk. I am shit at socializing and had just been standing with my arms crossed in a corner for an hour. We hit it off and I felt like I finally had someone who understood me on all the things I say "no one else understands". She shared so many traumas with me and it felt like I had something to hang onto in the world even though I was still suicidal. I mentioned I wasn't drunk enough at one point and she said she had a bar at her house but didn't know if it was appropriate to take me home. It was. We talked for like 3 more hours about traumatic shit and then slept together. It was the next day when I went to address her on the couch in the morning that we realized we never told each other our names. We ended up saying we loved each other the next morning too which is fast but when she said it to me I responded so genuinely meaning it. It had been over 7 years since I was last in a relationship, I think, and to feel like someone loved me I wanted to give nothing but faithful, hopeful, and real meaning to anything with anyone who would be with me. I have to work on wed and dont have a solid streak of time till I get off sunday so I was just waiting for my next weekend to go stay with her a few days. We had met at the club on friday but by the next friday she texted me and said a friend was over and wanted to feel her boobs and she said yes. She assured me she was fully clothed and nothing else happened but it just broke me. I felt like I was going to be left, like Im just the person to stop her from being alone while she shopped around. It wasnt about how far it went it was her willingness to do it even if she was transparent with me. I was trying not to even think about how much I wish I could really be me and be a mother and have kids because it felt like even if I was to think about MY life it wouldn't be being faithful to the idea of me and her. She was just actually doing stuff with other people. Things deteriorated rapidly and the next week she was messing around with 3 other people in bed. Then the next week she tried to have sex with the first person who had tried to touch her boobs but she told me "nothing actually happened because he couldn't get hard". Not like that makes a difference when I just feel like a body in the pile. She had been monogamous with her previous partner for years before meeting me and its the only thing I had to expect. She "had to let out her poly side because she ignored it for years". All she ended up doing is making me feel like I had a reason to hang on for a few days then crushed me and hurt me worse and worse over the next 2 weeks. Idk why I ever felt and hope or expected something better to happen. I wish I had just hung myself that night I went to the club.

Sorry if this isnt super coherent but its hard to talk about at all and writing out more and more hurts so I cut some parts.