qualityOV3Rquantity
Member
- Jul 27, 2024
- 82
I don't want to hurt them, they're wonderful people and don't deserve it, but I couldn't keep it to myself. They know the reason, it's because I have a chronic illness that makes it unbearable to be alive.
I told them that it won't be their fault, that there's nothing else they could have done. I told them I won't do it until next year, so they don't try and institutionalize me or something. But that's actually true, I made a promise to them and I always try to keep my promises.
I'm so incredibly grateful that I got the chance to be alive and have all the wonderful experiences I did in the past. Of course I dealt with depression even then, but it was more good than bad. I have more good memories than I can count. I danced with friends in a faraway exotic country. I got a bunch of academic awards at university. I broke personal records in the gym. I would look into the mirror and smile, admiring how good I looked. I kissed someone that I truly loved. I made entire rooms full of people laugh with my jokes. I got a job that I enjoyed, where I felt useful and valued. I laughed so hard sometimes that I almost couldn't breathe. I got lost in so many good books. I helped people, I was a good influence on the people around me.
Sometimes I would just go outside at night and look up at the stars, in awe of the beauty of it.
But this illness changed everything. The stars are still up in the night sky, but their light doesn't reach me. My entire world has gone black.
I hope that in their pain, my parents will still remember all the good memories with me. I thank God that I'm not an only child, that my wonderful siblings have more hopeful futures than me.
I told them that it won't be their fault, that there's nothing else they could have done. I told them I won't do it until next year, so they don't try and institutionalize me or something. But that's actually true, I made a promise to them and I always try to keep my promises.
I'm so incredibly grateful that I got the chance to be alive and have all the wonderful experiences I did in the past. Of course I dealt with depression even then, but it was more good than bad. I have more good memories than I can count. I danced with friends in a faraway exotic country. I got a bunch of academic awards at university. I broke personal records in the gym. I would look into the mirror and smile, admiring how good I looked. I kissed someone that I truly loved. I made entire rooms full of people laugh with my jokes. I got a job that I enjoyed, where I felt useful and valued. I laughed so hard sometimes that I almost couldn't breathe. I got lost in so many good books. I helped people, I was a good influence on the people around me.
Sometimes I would just go outside at night and look up at the stars, in awe of the beauty of it.
But this illness changed everything. The stars are still up in the night sky, but their light doesn't reach me. My entire world has gone black.
I hope that in their pain, my parents will still remember all the good memories with me. I thank God that I'm not an only child, that my wonderful siblings have more hopeful futures than me.
