I still feel stuck

[Bitterman1996]

I got a freelance job, have more stable income (at least the minimum wage). I tried continuing my schooling but it doesn't go well so far and probably i will change majors.

But i still have bad problems with loneliness and isolation, i wanna focus more on improving art to compensate that but to start having the push itself i need to be in a better headspace. Talking to a therapist feels like a waste of time and money now but i still struggle with a lot of aspects of my life. I still suspect adhd being the root cause and medication for that is expensive anyway (i couldn't afford it).

home/house furnitures are old and dirty, even if i buy nice things i cannot take care of them. I still struggle with personal hygiene (kinda gross but since i dont leave my room often it doesn't matter as much i guess).

I don't want to be depressed but it's hard not to, especially when I'm putting myself out there. Most artists i met came from well off families, it's not solely because they have materialistic support but also because they have the skill and excel in other things as well. I'm just envious.

I want to be better, do better. But I don't think anything improved much at this rate. It's also depressing since my mother keep asking me about marriage/partner WHEN I HAVE NEVER DATED ANYONE. This one truly makes me want to rope.

Fuckkk I'd rather struggling to earn low wage alone than being stuck marrying someone i don't know well, i struggle so much with relationship issue that I JUST AVOID IT ENTIRELY.

I don't know where I'm going with this but for now im still trying i guess, i need to vent a bit.

 

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So the first thing I would look at here is whether your mother would be a receptive to a conversation about your struggles and suffering. Or if there are any other family members you could trust to open up to. Or even if there's anyone you've met through your freelance job or schooling who might relate to you. Or, I would look at online communities (this site included) for opportunities to connect with other people.

Somebody, anybody. A confidante.

The next thing I would look at is giving yourself credit for what you've done, what you're doing, and what hardships and struggles you've persevered through. Sometimes we get so focused on our perceived shortcomings that we lose sight of the things we've actually accomplished. It sounds like you have persevered through a lot. Odds are, you are better, stronger, and more resilient than you think you are. To consciously remember this is to help with self-esteem and just trying to have a little more faith in yourself.

I am sorry you are being failed by some external factors such as the affordability of things that should be readily available to everyone who needs it -- as in therapy and medication.

For therapy, ChatGPT is reputed to be worth a look for this as it can act as somewhat of a therapist (thank-you @alltoomuch2 for this suggestion in a different thread today). There are two versions of ChatGPT, and one of them is free for anyone to use. You could also look around online for self-guided courses on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Mindfulness (Meditation).

As far as options for prescription medications -- getting prescribed and then affording medication -- it would depend on your locality, whether there could be any social programs in place for people who are low-income or uninsured. I am not knowledgeable enough in this subject to offer much here, but maybe there are some local non-profits you could reach out to who might have information on possible options.

Again, I am sorry you are being failed by some external factors. And I know nothing I've mentioned here is curative by any means, and certainly it is all easier said than done.

Mainly, just wanting to be supportive of you as best I can and wish you as well as can be in coping with this.

 

[Bitterman1996]

So the first thing I would look at here is whether your mother would be a receptive to a conversation about your struggles and suffering. Or if there are any other family members you could trust to open up to. Or even if there's anyone you've met through your freelance job or schooling who might relate to you. Or, I would look at online communities (this site included) for opportunities to connect with other people.

Somebody, anybody. A confidante.

The next thing I would look at is giving yourself credit for what you've done, what you're doing, and what hardships and struggles you've persevered through. Sometimes we get so focused on our perceived shortcomings that we lose sight of the things we've actually accomplished. It sounds like you have persevered through a lot. Odds are, you are better, stronger, and more resilient than you think you are. To consciously remember this is to help with self-esteem and just trying to have a little more faith in yourself.

I am sorry you are being failed by some external factors such as the affordability of things that should be readily available to everyone who needs it -- as in therapy and medication.

For therapy, ChatGPT is reputed to be worth a look for this as it can act as somewhat of a therapist (thank-you @alltoomuch2 for this suggestion in a different thread today). There are two versions of ChatGPT, and one of them is free for anyone to use. You could also look around online for self-guided courses on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or Mindfulness (Meditation).

As far as options for prescription medications -- getting prescribed and then affording medication -- it would depend on your locality, whether there could be any social programs in place for people who are low-income or uninsured. I am not knowledgeable enough in this subject to offer much here, but maybe there are some local non-profits you could reach out to who might have information on possible options.

Again, I am sorry you are being failed by some external factors. And I know nothing I've mentioned here is curative by any means, and certainly it is all easier said than done.

Mainly, just wanting to be supportive of you as best I can and wish you as well as can be in coping with this.

hi thanks for the extensive reply, i appreciate the kind message.

personally i don't like AI at all ngl. talking to a robot would just makes it worse and i don't think i would be able to suspend my disbelief (i have tried those ai chatbot app before back in 2017~).
but I do wish i have someone.

there's 1 friend that could see my twitter circle, where i mostly vent (Elon fucks up the function so I can still use it as long as it's from the same thread).
But the friendship feels a bit one sided. I am always the one initiating conversations etc, but i shouldn't blame them too much as they are struggling too..

There's option for national health insurance where I live but i don't think adhd medications (and subsequent visit to adhd specialist) would be covered. I'm not opposed to taking anti depressant but all in all, to some degree i think my problems are more circumstantial than purely mental health (even though this affected some of it).

To sums it up, a lot of my problem is :
- economic (not being self reliant)
- unsupportive family/feeling distant from them due to religious reasons
- lack of self actualization & multiple failures in schooling

unmanaged adhd / depression maybe made that worse though it's kinda like a chicken and egg problem.
I still feel bit indignant that a lot of my problems probably stems from lack of social support, I was always the weird kid that got ok academically and flunked out of college. Is it only possible that I have to "know better" later on, suddenly my parents expecting me to "grow up" and "know what to do with my life"... this aspect really sucks as i don't feel i have any control.

damn sorry i ended up wenting again in the end. i'll try harder tho onwards, maybe i'll make an update post.

 

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damn sorry i ended up wenting again in the end. i'll try harder tho onwards, maybe i'll make an update post.

It's very difficult when there are multiple factors outside your control.

Don't worry about venting here. You're on a suicide forum -- where else can you vent, if not here. I get it. Vent away as much as you need to.

Don't worry about this "try harder" stuff either. Did you get out of bed today? Did you manage to put all your thoughts together and post them here? There are people who suffer in such a way that just doing these seemingly little things takes every. ounce. of energy. inside them. "Trying hard" can look like many different things, depending on one's circumstances. (This falls under the "giving yourself credit" bit.)

 

[Bitterman1996]

It's very difficult when there are multiple factors outside your control.

Don't worry about venting here. You're on a suicide forum -- where else can you vent, if not here. I get it. Vent away as much as you need to.

Don't worry about this "try harder" stuff either. Did you get out of bed today? Did you manage to put all your thoughts together and post them here? There are people who suffer in such a way that just doing these seemingly little things takes every. ounce. of energy. inside them. "Trying hard" can look like many different things, depending on one's circumstances. (This falls under the "giving yourself credit" bit.)

:")

thanks again, but i do have to be more realistic and push myself harder since fixing my life rn probably requires that. i'll keep that in mind tho (at least i showered twice and in a better headspace to work today).

 

[Bitterman1996]

Came here to vent a bit but while i dont regret a lot of my past nor blame it much but, i kind of want to vent about career pathing. As I'm self dx ADHD (or if wrong maybe just chronic depression in general), i was really dispassionate about most things. Honestly the feeling of wanting it to end was really persistent when i graduate high school. Though obviously it never does unless you choose to deliberately do that.

i was around 15-16 at the time and my dad got me to talk for a few days when he was home for once about choosing university majors.

Honestly at the time i couldn't care less, still kinda dont but job market really sucks and bachelor's kinda give you some edge i guess, it's better to have than not. It's been few years after dropping out, looking back it was silly but even my family support was dubious at best. Was stressed about schooling, high tuition even if it was paid I'm just being a burden, seemingly my worldview is so much different with my family (I'm atheist, while they're devout muslims) .etc. I feel like I'm in position of privilege due to my parents but at the same time not because my personal freedom is limites (money, housing etc).

Considering to move to another major and restart university again (im in course for 1 year now for accounting) to english major, just something easier for my head to focus on art as well. But it's scary to commit and im wasting more and more time.

I'd love to be able to talk to a therapist and pinpoint exact things that's wrong or why i turned this way buf then again the reality of the problem of not having real career path and guaranteed wage kinda kills me.

 

[Bitterman1996]

I don't know what it is but the cycle or not creating art and being socially anxious to meet with people with same interest is actually insane.. I feel so bad lately, i think it's depression creeping in again and i would go through whole self-isolation and depression and realizing how stupid it is the things I've done...

But i do feel like some people are actively conspiring against or just secretly hates my guts. I kinda hate trying to mingle with other artists since a lot of them are privileged or just have good well paying day job to support their hobby, in that sense art isn't a competition but i cant help but comparing myself with other people. I feel insane. Lately but i must draw or do something "good" To offset it.