Venting I started writing

[BaconCheeseburger]

I haven't written much, maybe 500 words or so, but it's something. 500 words have already taken so much out of me.

I have various webpages bookmarked on how to write notes, what to include etc.. but now that I've started I just want to follow my own thought process rather than using someone else's irrelevant guidelines (I did that through the whole of university).

I think I'm going to write one general note, like an overview, and then personal ones? I'm struggling to even put words down for what could go in the personal ones though because everything hurts and I'm going to hurt everyone and I have no idea how not to. I know what I want to say, but it's like there's a padlocked gate on my mind, and I don't know if I can bring myself to unlock it all. Would it be wrong to CTB without openly acknowledging those closest to me? Going out of this world as alone as I feel.

I don't even know if I'm strong enough to CTB. I feel like I'll never leave and just be stuck here forever. And there are people on here who will make fun of me for that, saying I'm not serious enough or that I'm just doing this as a cry for help . You guys are massive dicks. (just saying). (the rest of you are okay though)

I'm just drained.

 

[Wantingpeace]

I know I feel like i could never write enough or with the right words with what I want to say.

People made fun of you? I'm sorry for that.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

People made fun of you? I'm sorry for that.

Not me directly, but I see a lot of it on 'I'm leaving now' posts where if they don't manage to go through with it (or something gets in the way), people start saying 'I knew you wouldn't do it because X/Y/Z' and they'll belittle the person for not putting in enough effort.

 

[Wantingpeace]

Not me directly, but I see a lot of it on 'I'm leaving now' posts where if they don't manage to go through with it (or something gets in the way), people start saying 'I knew you wouldn't do it because X/Y/Z' and they'll belittle the person for not putting in enough effort.

I do not think that's right.

 

[Pointlessabyss]

I haven't written much, maybe 500 words or so, but it's something. 500 words have already taken so much out of me.

I have various webpages bookmarked on how to write notes, what to include etc.. but now that I've started I just want to follow my own thought process rather than using someone else's irrelevant guidelines (I did that through the whole of university).

I think I'm going to write one general note, like an overview, and then personal ones? I'm struggling to even put words down for what could go in the personal ones though because everything hurts and I'm going to hurt everyone and I have no idea how not to. I know what I want to say, but it's like there's a padlocked gate on my mind, and I don't know if I can bring myself to unlock it all. Would it be wrong to CTB without openly acknowledging those closest to me? Going out of this world as alone as I feel.

I don't even know if I'm strong enough to CTB. I feel like I'll never leave and just be stuck here forever. And there are people on here who will make fun of me for that, saying I'm not serious enough or that I'm just doing this as a cry for help . You guys are massive dicks. (just saying). (the rest of you are okay though)

I'm just drained.

Can't imagine how hard it is, a reason I haven't started. How do you put a whole life of hurt into a condense last good bye?

You shouldn't feel bad if you think your not fully committed or not! We are all on this forum for a reason as we share the same thoughts. As people keep repeating this a pro choice forum and has open information for people to be able to choose to go if they wish to.

You may see people being dicks but think of it this way... the people being dicks, how long have they been here for? Have they done the act themselves? Are they fully committed. Unfortunately people will be little people and put on a front in whatever social situation you end up in.

Your taking steps and I genuinely hope this forum helps some people and gives them a release to allow them to carry on.

Much love to you all!!

 

[Mugara]

Depends on for who you write. If family I think "sorry" will be enough if you don't want them sobbing at your note everytime they remember about it. The more you confess the less value your note will have, it doesn't have to be your autobiography or philosophical essay, only important things. Trust me no one will understand your thinking process if you commit. They probably will treat you in their own ways.

Personally will write to my mom what she should do, what to sell etc.
And one for ex. Just because we ended in good terms. The rest of people I know would prolly make fun of my goodbye.

 

[itsallover]

I haven't written much, maybe 500 words or so, but it's something. 500 words have already taken so much out of me.

I have various webpages bookmarked on how to write notes, what to include etc.. but now that I've started I just want to follow my own thought process rather than using someone else's irrelevant guidelines (I did that through the whole of university).

I think I'm going to write one general note, like an overview, and then personal ones? I'm struggling to even put words down for what could go in the personal ones though because everything hurts and I'm going to hurt everyone and I have no idea how not to. I know what I want to say, but it's like there's a padlocked gate on my mind, and I don't know if I can bring myself to unlock it all. Would it be wrong to CTB without openly acknowledging those closest to me? Going out of this world as alone as I feel.

I don't even know if I'm strong enough to CTB. I feel like I'll never leave and just be stuck here forever. And there are people on here who will make fun of me for that, saying I'm not serious enough or that I'm just doing this as a cry for help . You guys are massive dicks. (just saying). (the rest of you are okay though)

I'm just drained.

Just write what you really feel. There's no right or wrong way to say it. You don't have to justify it to anyone. You don't have to write a whole essay. Sometimes less is more. Im just simply going to say my goodbyes and that I had to do it because I couldn't deal with the pain anymore. There's nothing wrong with a failed attempt. The majority actually fail. It's just if you wake up from it and are able to do it again. I don't think a lot of attempts end up in serious damage anyway.

 

[Wantingpeace]

I don't thinkmost people coild ever undertsand coming to this point of even writing suicide note so I feel that no matter how much and what I wrote family would never get why I had to leave

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

suicide note? nah just look at my browser history,
everything I thought and wrote is on line permanently

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Not me directly, but I see a lot of it on 'I'm leaving now' posts where if they don't manage to go through with it (or something gets in the way), people start saying 'I knew you wouldn't do it because X/Y/Z' and they'll belittle the person for not putting in enough effort.

Spoiler: I'm a massive dick. Open at your own discretion.

When I see goodbye posts, I take it very seriously. I give them the benefit of the doubt and trust they're not doing it for attention. Even the ones who fail multiple times. Attempts fail all the time, even I've failed my attempts! The thing that gets to me are the ones who fail multiple times even after people around here warn and give advise on how to make an attempt successful, especially if a person who posts a goodbye post had talked about their method beforehand and it's clear that their method will not work 90% of the time. It angers and worries me when a person goes through with their method anyway despite how reckless it seems and all the warning just for them to come back and say they failed. I don't want anyone to suffer, so that's why it makes me frustrated that they've put themselves in a worse situation. These failed attempts do not look like cry for helps to me, I do believe they're serious and want to truly CTB, but I just wish they would take the time to listen to all the warnings given to them and possibly do more research to make their attempt more successful and more peaceful.

For your note, just start writing. It could be all over the place, but at least it's something. It doesn't even have to make sense. If you don't like what you wrote, crumple it up and throw it away. I found that the more I wrote or went back to add on to my suicide letters, the more I started playing the blame game. I've written multiple letters throughout the years and each time it was different.
By the way, you're strong whether or not you CTB. Killing yourself isn't an easy thing to do and it takes a lot of courage, but living isn't easy either. Takes strength and power to get through life.

 

[Morning Angel]

I went through a similar process as you. I started off with a general note, individual ones for certain friends, one for the police, and one for my ex. At one point close to 8 or 9. Eventually I felt it was kind of silly and redundant... ditched that as I became more isolated and whittled it down to just one for friends, one for family, and an apology note to the police/EMTs. It's a tricky thing because I know I don't mean that much to others, really, but I must mean something if I am writing the damn thing in the first place.

A lot of how you organize the content and quantity of the letters will change based on how you're feeling. While I won't dare make a comment about the "seriousness" of someone's intent here ever again (and yes it is an asshole move), I think there are some things that can change the longer you're suicidal. For example, I used to care quite a bit about hurting others and the guilt/regret was apparent in the letters. The longer I went on suffering, the letters became more matter of fact in tone. I am not proud of that, but probably some acceptance on my end that no letter will help remove all their pain.

 

[samhelloall9]

I went through a similar process as you. I started off with a general note, individual ones for certain friends, one for the police, and one for my ex. At one point close to 8 or 9. Eventually I felt it was kind of silly and redundant... ditched that as I became more isolated and whittled it down to just one for friends, one for family, and an apology note to the police/EMTs. It's a tricky thing because I know I don't mean that much to others, really, but I must mean something if I am writing the damn thing in the first place.

A lot of how you organize the content and quantity of the letters will change based on how you're feeling. While I won't dare make a comment about the "seriousness" of someone's intent here ever again (and yes it is an asshole move), I think there are some things that can change the longer you're suicidal. For example, I used to care quite a bit about hurting others and the guilt/regret was apparent in the letters. The longer I went on suffering, the letters became more matter of fact in tone. I am not proud of that, but probably some acceptance on my end that no letter will help remove all their pain.

Sums me up pretty well

 

[Slacker]

Sounds to me like you just don't know why you want to ctb...

 

[Miss clefable]

Sounds to me like you just don't know why you want to ctb...

Why do you always have to criticise

 

[Slacker]

Why do you always have to criticise

I really Don't know! It's like I'm possessed

 

[Slacker]

Wouldn't it be really boring if everyone had the same opinion?

It would be super easy to be liked by everyone here.

"Yeah life is shit... all people are assholes... just ss-members are cool (the ones who have the same opinion like me)... i h8 life... psychotherapists are just interessted in robbing me and selling meds... pro-lifers are naiv idiots who never wanted to ctb... and so on so on"

How about this?:
"Hey Mum, Hey Dad
I h8 my life
I h8 myself
I wanna die
Goodby"

That even rhymes Lol

 

[Slacker]

Sorry for joking around...

Have you ever tried free association writing?
Just let it flow. Write what you think right now.