I started to recover but I miss feeling suicidal.

[BPD Barbie]

Hey guys,

So, I haven't been that active on here lately. Meds, therapy and a good psych really helped me. But there is an issue. I miss feeling suicidal, I miss the comfort of death and dying. I miss the feeling of peace it once gave me. Its at the point where I want to stop my meds and spiral back down.
Anyone else had this feeling where they don't want the recovery even when it works? Even now, I feel kinda OK, definitely better, but my life is in such tatters from the destruction I caused while mentally ill its almost impossible to rebuild anyway....

 

[WhiteDespair]

Same. For different reasons.

The thing is that life needs to be relearned (or learned, however it may be). So, yes, there is an element of longing for the past, for that which is easier, that which is more comfortable, regardless of how detrimental it is. Spend long enough one way and change becomes, well, stressful.

 

[randomz]

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I know what you mean about the comfortability of suiocidal thoughts, I think what you feel is normal, don't worry. Also, the suicidal thoughts will always be there if you need them, so take comfort with that - you can recover and explore the world with the idea that you cal always fall back to something that comfort you

 

[theguineapigking]

I know exactly what you mean too. It's normal for people like us. It's nice to have the mindset to want to die because it is comforting to feel like you can "step out" of this life at any time you choose. Especially if you see life like I do. I don't like humanity. I don't like the way of life. I also have medical issues. Even if I was healthy,I couldn't imagine not having suicidal thoughts because that's the only thing that allows me to feel like I can end this stupid life any time I want.


I hope you continue feeling better. Hopefully things get even better for you.

 

[Wolfjob_dayjob]

I'm off my meds and back on my exercise bulimia bullshit to self medicate since I am facing the reality of staying.... Miss it too..

It's not impossible I know...but fuck if it doesn't feel daunting.

 

[hershberger]

I know we have talked about this privately already; first of all, I am so glad you're doing better. To be honest, my lowest point on these forums was when I thought you had ctb'd, and I was in the middle of writing Jean when you sent me a PM. But I do agree with how it does seem different when there is no pre-planned or estimated "end date" on the horizon. (Of course, I could die today from an accident or something else, but that's different.) Having the future as this big open space after coming up with a detailed ctb plan/date is weird. I try to plan more long-term things and keep myself occupied. Not exactly successful with that yet.

 

[Jean4]

I know we have talked about this privately already; first of all, I am so glad you're doing better. To be honest, my lowest point on these forums was when I thought you had ctb'd, and I was in the middle of writing Jean when you sent me a PM. But I do agree with how it does seem different when there is no pre-planned or estimated "end date" on the horizon. (Of course, I could die today from an accident or something else, but that's different.) Having the future as this big open space after coming up with a detailed ctb plan/date is weird. I try to plan more long-term things and keep myself occupied. Not exactly successful with that yet.

I'm always here if you need me. Sorry. I lied. I sometimes go to the bathroom.

 

[hershberger]

Oh, I know. I was terrified Barbie had gone without me getting to say a proper goodbye, and then I thought, "If anyone knows, it'll be Jean." I certainly will write you if I ever need anything; you are such a great help to so many of us. I know you've heard it a thousand times from different members here, but I'll add on anyway: thank you.

 

[RainAndSadness]

I think I can relate to you. Maybe for different reasons. I wish I wasn't suicidal but I don't think I ever felt that way. I was always suicidal in my life, ever. That's just how it is. But I don't know. I feel like it makes me view life from a more realistic, grounded perspective. Like, when I hear all those empty pro-life platitudes, it makes me really cringe and I'm really thankful that I'm aware of the struggle of life and I think I'm able to understand the suicidal perspective because I'm suicidal too. The amount of ignorance and naivety in those simplistic pro-life world views kinda make me appreciate that I struggled from an early age. I don't think I even want to become "normal" if it implies being pro-life, if it implies this amount of ignorance towards the struggles of others. I don't think I could stand myself if I was like that.

 

[Jean4]

Oh, I know. I was terrified Barbie had gone without me getting to say a proper goodbye, and then I thought, "If anyone knows, it'll be Jean." I certainly will write you if I ever need anything; you are such a great help to so many of us. I know you've heard it a thousand times from different members here, but I'll add on anyway: thank you.

It's the reason I haven't CTB ;)

 

[issyishere]

I'm glad it's working for you! maybe you found yourself craving the embrace of death because you knew where the end was. Some reported feeling extremely calm and zen on the days leading up to their ctb. I pray your recovery is smooth and the feeling of genuine happiness and hope for a better future will beat your nostalgia for darker days. thinking of you

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Hey guys,

So, I haven't been that active on here lately. Meds, therapy and a good psych really helped me. But there is an issue. I miss feeling suicidal, I miss the comfort of death and dying. I miss the feeling of peace it once gave me. Its at the point where I want to stop my meds and spiral back down.
Anyone else had this feeling where they don't want the recovery even when it works? Even now, I feel kinda OK, definitely better, but my life is in such tatters from the destruction I caused while mentally ill its almost impossible to rebuild anyway....

I'd noticed you weren't around. I'm glad you are on the road to recovery. I really must dip into the recovery section more. Can't really advise on you missing the feelings though, sorry. Many people feel comfort in the idea of death as a means to escape suffering, but I'd say if you are doing better, that you might think of treating those thoughts as illusory. Here's hoping that time will lead to them lessening.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

I once heard when you start to make breakthroughs in your recovery you miss the darkness. I heard it's what made people feel unique, look for new breakthroughs would be my best advice. Embrace the brighter days, and find your new unique purpose in life. It's exciting to hear you're doing better, keep inching towards your happiness!

 

[Justhere]

This is understandable. Even when I was happy and healthy, I often took comfort in the idea, even though I never seriously considered it. Living is a choice, and ironically, that would make me feel better about living.

 

[dandan]

im out of depression,
and sometimes I get the feeling its so hard to rebuild after 20 years of depression
but sometimes im possitive, and i try to maintain that conversation in my head, about possibilities, even when they are few,
sometime I go out of my apartment, walk in the city or places and I get positive ideas.
excercise is a must!

 

[enjoy]

this is my biggest fear. i'll be on meds for the first time soon and i've been going to therapy for the past few weeks. i'm scared something's gonna derail and destroy my process. i sometimes feel like a shadow of myself without my suicidal thoughts because they've consumed me and been a part of me for so long.

 

[Pallf]

I have anxiety issues, so I like having plans made up for tons of occasions. Suicide as a plan comforts me and gives me an "out" so to speak. I can't land a job no matter how hard I try? I can CTB. School is crushing me? I can CTB. Issues with my family? I can CTB.
I would love to not be suicidal and depressed anymore, but a tiny part of me needs assurance that I'll always have an exit plan.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

 

[BPD Barbie]

Thanks guys for all your replies. It's such an odd feeling, but it's getting better. I guess I just felt that way for so long that it was all I knew, it was so comforting for me to be there. Trust you guys to give me reassurance you're the best. All of you

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thanks guys for all your replies. It's such an odd feeling, but it's getting better. I guess I just felt that way for so long that it was all I knew, it was so comforting for me to be there. Trust you guys to give me reassurance ❤ you're the best. All of you ❤

It's good to see you doing better. You had a little wobble before that I think, but here's to heading onward and upward.

 

[Jean4]

Thanks guys for all your replies. It's such an odd feeling, but it's getting better. I guess I just felt that way for so long that it was all I knew, it was so comforting for me to be there. Trust you guys to give me reassurance ❤ you're the best. All of you ❤

And you still have a job.

 

[aiuto]

this is my biggest fear. i'll be on meds for the first time soon and i've been going to therapy for the past few weeks. i'm scared something's gonna derail and destroy my process. i sometimes feel like a shadow of myself without my suicidal thoughts because they've consumed me and been a part of me for so long.

This was also my biggest fear before starting to take meds. I'm not gonna lie, you will probably feel more "empty" once you start feeling better and you'll want to go down the spiral again just as OP describes.
Right now I am feeling just as OP does and as I guess many feel after meds start having effects on them. I myself have lived my entire life in a constant negative way, ctb was my only way out. When I felt down and devastated, not even able to get out of bed I paradoxically felt alive. I felt strong emotions, even if they were negative ones.
Once I started taking meds everything became more numb, there aren't as many bad moments as before but the few good ones appear a little less enjoyable.
I'm still assessing myself on this my new self, I don't know if I'm going to like it or not.

You should totally try and get meds, at least to try them. You are always in time to stop them if you don't like it (I wouldn't recommend it though because it might have some negative effects on yourself depending on the meds) but it is not assured you'll be in time to try them.

Sorry, my reply may not be exactly on point or what you wanted to hear. I may have digressed to much :/

 

[Despondent]

I haven't really been on this section of the forum, and I know we don't talk, but I was getting worried (even if we are a pro-choice forum) because I thought you left without saying goodbye -- for whatever reason. I'm happy to see that you're alright ❤ Remember that recovery definitely takes time. I'm here if you ever want to talk :D

 

[Rome Horseman]

I think if I can make someone else happy I'll be happy.. idk I hope if I get better I can make someone else life better

 

[BPD Barbie]

I haven't really been on this section of the forum, and I know we don't talk, but I was getting worried (even if we are a pro-choice forum) because I thought you left without saying goodbye -- for whatever reason. I'm happy to see that you're alright ❤ Remember that recovery definitely takes time. I'm here if you ever want to talk :D

Thank you love, that means a lot same goes to you. Always.

 

[Lotus]

Thanks for sharing. I'm feeling the exact same way, and I catch myself not being able to admit to my therapist that I'm not feeling that suicidal anymore. I feel like it's kind of a loss if I say it out loud. Finding my way towards recovery is also very tough and the road is rocky AF, so it was definately more soothing for me to be in a state where I was planning to ctb.

 

[LittleJem]

I think I've been there a bit - lost my marriage, (rubbish) friends, job due to mental illness last year - on top of the being bedridden and wanting to die all the time. I grieved a lot and sometimes still do - and then at the same time, if I ever get my mental health back and happiness, that is all I want and nothing else matters. So that is what I focus on. I do have a bf who I really like - but at the same time I aspire to being just happy by myself doing nothing. That would be so huge for me.

So I don't know what is a good goal for you yourself, but am so pleased to hear you are feeling better.
ps I also do know people who have to rebuild and restart their lives after they have had mental health issues. It's tough, but it can be done.

 

[BabyYoda]

Hey, I'm onto the road to recovery as well. I did have this feeling awhile ago, like it just does not feel normal to be mentally healthy. It feels weird that I don't create rants about love relationships in my head anymore. Yesterday I had a talk with the guidance counselor since they assessed me as a requirement for our upcoming immersion next month, and I was told that I needed further evaluation because I was totally honest with my issues.

Right now, seeing the good in myself is impossible to me. Yes people think I'm nice but I don't think I have any notable traits.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I know what that feels like... my suicidal thoughts are a little bit less now which in a way... worries me. I miss the feeling of serenity it gave me as well. I'm sure it's possible that I may go downhill again.