Venting I started talking to my abuser again

[anonymousfoxxo]

I started talking to my abusive ex again.

And that's because I still love him. For ages when we stopped talking, years, I felt devastated and empty and scarred. I can't even think straight right now. I just know we started talking again and here's what I realized...

He was spying me this whole time. He knows what I posted where. He knows what I did while we didn't talk. He knows most of my alt accounts. He figured stuff out about me.

He also seek therapy, and realized his mistakes, his manipulative and abusive behaviors, and a lot of things. He changed for the better. And here's the catch... I still love him. I love him so much. I never let him go. At all. I couldn't. I tried and tried again. Had many partners since then, all lasting no more than a few days.

I don't know what to do. I confessed. He took it well. We talked about relationships. He said he's not ready for another but wants to get someone eventually. But he doesn't know who. And I'm foolish. I said "me?" And he responded with "we'll see".

And my heart skipped a beat. It's not a yes. But it's not a no either. And I want it so much. I want him back. Even if he continued to abuse me, again, I'd want it to happen. Even if he posted my photos online again. Even if he threatened me to do things if I didn't do x. Even if he would keep me up at nights again. Even if he would make me do anything he wants me to like a string puppet. Whatever would happen I want him back. He said he changed. He must have right? And ever since this conversation, I can't stop thinking about him. It was bad enough already without this, I kept seeing him wherever I went. Everything reminds me of him. I want to feel him again. I want to be with him at all costs. And I know this isn't normal. . . But I feel love. I am so connected to him. I want him. I want him. I want him so much...

And I'm caught up in thoughts now. I just want him back. But what if he doesn't end up wanting me back? What does we'll see mean? Why does he talk about I should appreciate us talking again and take that for granted instead of a relationship? Why oh why? He says he doesn't want to disappoint or hurt me. I can't... I can't let go. I need it...

But I'm afraid I'll end up waiting again for such long ... And then it won't happen. How much time will he take? Did he mean not ready for now but in the future as in in like 10 years? A year? A month? How long should I wait for? What should I expect? I'm so lost.

I'm confused and sad and I just want him back together with me. I feel like if I can't be his then I don't want to be anyone's. This feels like false hopes. I should have ended it a long ago. Before this conversation could happened. I am doing it again. I'm insane . I'm doing the same exact fucking thing over and over again and expect things to change. It's insane. Insanity. I'm insane. I'm going insane.

I need out. I need to scream but I am decapitated. What am I going to do now? What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal? Why can't I love someone else? Why can't someone else love me back? Why is it this way? What the fuck do I do....

I want to cry.

I want to cry..

I am crying...

I want to cut.

I want to cut..

I want to cut...


I want out.


I don't know what the fuck to do. Oh god I am so stupid. Love is stupid. And the world is fucked. Everything is falling apart and I'm doing this. And then I'm whining about it publicly from my 5kbps internet after waiting 20 minutes for SS to load, because I can't pay for food nor internet. What the fuck... I should've slept. I should've gone to work.


Oh please help me ...

I can't take it anymore. . .

The thoughts. The voices. I don't want to let go. I'm so hopeless. Everything's so fucking hopeless. I can't deal with it anymore.

 

[derpyderpins]

Such a bad situation.

Don't be embarrassed about this being "public."

Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know why we do this as people, but we do. Of all my crushes and relationships, the one who treated me the absolute worst had me wrapped around her finger the most, and she took full advantage. The thing is, if she had just kept stringing me along more, I probably would've drooled over her like an idiot forever. And she wasn't special, which I realize looking back now that I'm in a healthy relationship.

When we don't feel good about ourself, we let someone else hold the power to control our own evaluation. He has that for you right now. Whether you are going to get back together with him or not, it's really important that you try to break out of that line of thinking.

 

[anonymousfoxxo]

Such a bad situation.

Don't be embarrassed about this being "public."

Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know why we do this as people, but we do. Of all my crushes and relationships, the one who treated me the absolute worst had me wrapped around her finger the most, and she took full advantage. The thing is, if she had just kept stringing me along more, I probably would've drooled over her like an idiot forever. And she wasn't special, which I realize looking back now that I'm in a healthy relationship.

When we don't feel good about ourself, we let someone else hold the power to control our own evaluation. He has that for you right now. Whether you are going to get back together with him or not, it's really important that you try to break out of that line of thinking.

I really have to.. you're so right.. I'm just so devastated. I can't see clearly. And I know that. I just don't know how to clear my vision. It's so hard right now

 

[AshersGirl]

When you're trauma bonded, your body and brain chemistry changes. You get addicted to the dopamine hits - extreme highs when it's good, extreme lows when it's bad, then you end up bouncing about all over place like a ping pong ball with no concept of what it's like to be steady and stable. A person can become an addiction. I was going to try to write more here but my brain is a bit minced today, so I share a link that probably articulates it way better than me.

Trauma Bonding is as Powerful as Heroin Addiction: Why It’s So Hard to Escape Toxic Relationships

Getting out of an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, and staying out is even harder. On average, it takes seven to nine attempts to do so successfully. We have known people who spent years planning an exit, even putting a six-month deposit down on an apartment, only to return back to a...

beentheregotout.com

I've been there, a long time ago, several times actually. For me, returning to an abuser always ended up with an escalation of the abuse. But it was familiar. And I was addicted to the extreme highs and lows, so steady, stable and healthy held little appeal to me. I only felt alive in the midst of the extreme.

I can't and won't tell you what to do, and I see your struggle and your pain. So, you're in my thoughts. You're not stupid. But you do not deserve to be mistreated and you do not deserve to be strung along. You deserve to be someone's first and only choice. And you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected. But these are things you need to learn to enforce by putting boundaries in place.

Someone who loves you will do whatever they can to NOT hurt you.

Big hugs.

 

[derpyderpins]

I really have to.. you're so right.. I'm just so devastated. I can't see clearly. And I know that. I just don't know how to clear my vision. It's so hard right now

I think it's great that you've identified the distorted thoughts. That's always the first step to moving past them.

 

[anonymousfoxxo]

When you're trauma bonded, your body and brain chemistry changes. You get addicted to the dopamine hits - extreme highs when it's good, extreme lows when it's bad, then you end up bouncing about all over place like a ping pong ball with no concept of what it's like to be steady and stable. A person can become an addiction. I was going to try to write more here but my brain is a bit minced today, so I share a link that probably articulates it way better than me.

Trauma Bonding is as Powerful as Heroin Addiction: Why It’s So Hard to Escape Toxic Relationships

Getting out of an abusive relationship is extremely difficult, and staying out is even harder. On average, it takes seven to nine attempts to do so successfully. We have known people who spent years planning an exit, even putting a six-month deposit down on an apartment, only to return back to a...

beentheregotout.com

I've been there, a long time ago, several times actually. For me, returning to an abuser always ended up with an escalation of the abuse. But it was familiar. And I was addicted to the extreme highs and lows, so steady, stable and healthy held little appeal to me. I only felt alive in the midst of the extreme.

I can't and won't tell you what to do, and I see your struggle and your pain. So, you're in my thoughts. You're not stupid. But you do not deserve to be mistreated and you do not deserve to be strung along. You deserve to be someone's first and only choice. And you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected. But these are things you need to learn to enforce by putting boundaries in place.

Someone who loves you will do whatever they can to NOT hurt you.

Big hugs.

Thank you

I do feel you're right and that accurately describes what I'm feeling. I hope I can get over this. It's just so hard. It feels impossible

 

[Dark Window]

If It were me I'd move on. His behaviour post break up screams narcissist.

If you really believe he's doing therapy to become a better person then you're a fool.

He may have changed, he may not. But I'd not take the risk.

I'd do all the hard work on therapy and find people that have gone through similar shit to you, and ask them how they got over it, coped or moved on.

 

[Shakespeare&Company]

Dont be upset with yourself <3
When we are used to dysfunctional relationships we seek them out and then at least then we will know what to expect. Of course, this can happen too, where we repeat the cycle with the same person at a later date.You know what he's capable of, and you are used to the rush that takes place in your brain when he treats you like shit and then gives you positive attention.

You need to escape him. Go no contact. Him not wanting you 100% makes you want him more. You don't need his approval to measure your worth. When you retract he will likely show more interest. Dont fall for it. Stay away. If not for your current self, then for your future self.