If you've read one of my earlier threads, you'll know I finally reached for help. I asked to see my college's therapist, and my appointment just finished. Here's how it went if anyone's interested:
-The therapy was through teleconsultation, but since my parents are always around the house and I feared they could hear me, I went at the college.
-There, I tried to find a quiet spot, but I couldn't talk at the library so I had to go to a random empty room.
- At first, I didn't know what to say, it was as awkward as you'd expect it to be when you have to talk to a stranger about your feelings.
- Eventually, we got into it and I started opening up. Overall, it was what I was expecting from a college therapist: she asked me how school, work, relationships were going, then asked me about my mood, etc. Very basic stuff, good enough for students with teenager problems but nowhere near enough to really help me.
- The crappiest part was when a security guard showed up and screamed at me to put my mask back on. Couldn't he see I was talking to someone? Plus, the room was empty, so honestly it's not like I had to wear it ( the college rules are that we only need to wear a mask if we're moving or within 2m from someone else) ?? I know he was just doing his job, I don't blame him for that, but jesus please have some conscience. He stressed me out so much (plus I was already on the edge of breaking down) so I had an anxiety attack, which was pretty awkward again when the therapist was just...looking at me and waiting for me to calm down again lol.
- When she asked the inevitable: 'are you suicidal' question, I said I'd been having thoughts but I didn't have a plan ( definitely not true, but I couldn't risk her sectioning me)
She did what she could, but like I mentioned, these kinds of therapists are only there for people who are just struggling with life a bit. Definitely not for someone who's been chronically suicidal for years. Plus, she seemed way too naive; I wasn't even comfortable with talking about her about my suicidal thoughts. She seemed like the type of therapist who only deals with moody teenagers, I can't imagine opening up to her about how I don't feel like there's a future for humanity or how I think our existences are futile amongst the enormity of the universe. I prefer to vent here for that ; ) In the end I can at least say I tried; I told myself I couldn't ctb without at least trying to recover. Well I tried and it was pretty useless, no offense. I still want to give myself some time as to not do anything too sudden, and also since the next step would be medication, which can work or absolutely not work. I'm still young so I believe it would be unfair to ctb, both to the people I care about and the members here, when I think about how there's still a lot of time for my life to turn around. I'm not against the wall, yet.
I have another appointment with her next week, yikes. I'll see how that goes as well.
-The therapy was through teleconsultation, but since my parents are always around the house and I feared they could hear me, I went at the college.
-There, I tried to find a quiet spot, but I couldn't talk at the library so I had to go to a random empty room.
- At first, I didn't know what to say, it was as awkward as you'd expect it to be when you have to talk to a stranger about your feelings.
- Eventually, we got into it and I started opening up. Overall, it was what I was expecting from a college therapist: she asked me how school, work, relationships were going, then asked me about my mood, etc. Very basic stuff, good enough for students with teenager problems but nowhere near enough to really help me.
- The crappiest part was when a security guard showed up and screamed at me to put my mask back on. Couldn't he see I was talking to someone? Plus, the room was empty, so honestly it's not like I had to wear it ( the college rules are that we only need to wear a mask if we're moving or within 2m from someone else) ?? I know he was just doing his job, I don't blame him for that, but jesus please have some conscience. He stressed me out so much (plus I was already on the edge of breaking down) so I had an anxiety attack, which was pretty awkward again when the therapist was just...looking at me and waiting for me to calm down again lol.
- When she asked the inevitable: 'are you suicidal' question, I said I'd been having thoughts but I didn't have a plan ( definitely not true, but I couldn't risk her sectioning me)
She did what she could, but like I mentioned, these kinds of therapists are only there for people who are just struggling with life a bit. Definitely not for someone who's been chronically suicidal for years. Plus, she seemed way too naive; I wasn't even comfortable with talking about her about my suicidal thoughts. She seemed like the type of therapist who only deals with moody teenagers, I can't imagine opening up to her about how I don't feel like there's a future for humanity or how I think our existences are futile amongst the enormity of the universe. I prefer to vent here for that ; ) In the end I can at least say I tried; I told myself I couldn't ctb without at least trying to recover. Well I tried and it was pretty useless, no offense. I still want to give myself some time as to not do anything too sudden, and also since the next step would be medication, which can work or absolutely not work. I'm still young so I believe it would be unfair to ctb, both to the people I care about and the members here, when I think about how there's still a lot of time for my life to turn around. I'm not against the wall, yet.
I have another appointment with her next week, yikes. I'll see how that goes as well.
