I sort of realized suicide isn't for me.

[TheCuriousityDude]

Whenever I'm in the moment of extreme depression it feels like I have permanent anhedonia and have never once been happy in my life...

However, before my suicide attempts, I couldn't help but play my favorite video games and listen to my favorite songs beforehand...and whilst trying to commit suicide I'd always get out of the situation before it had any affect, as I'd think back on all the good things in life, despite being depressed in the moment. Therefore meaning I can indeed experience happiness.

My life isn't even bad, I'm just sort of a drama queen who exaggerates who position whenever I'm extremely depressed.

Plus, out of the people in my family, I'm the luckiest. My parents had to grow up in the ghettos in Brazil, and they grew up with a ton of shit siblings, and they were bullied and had to work since 14 years old.

In comparison, I grew up in comfortable apartments in the USA, with zero siblings to bother me, I've never been seriously bullied besies a kid in middle school punching me in P.E class, and I don't have to have a job yet. For now my only job is my AP classes in school.

So logically, I'd be the last person in my family you'd expect to commit suicide.

And I overall am decently happy with my life. I don't think there's overall good reason for suicide. I just sort of gotta get my mind together, and find security within myself.

 

[TheCuriousityDude]

Don't get me wrong, https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-by-lack-of-oxygen.5933/#post-98228, https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...old-who-lives-at-home-to-commit-suicide.6273/, and https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...i-didnt-commit-suicide-yet-to-be-honest.6286/ were not lies, and were my own genuine true emotions.

But my life overall isn't even bad, and I actually do have a ton of moments of happiness from time to time. There's food that I like, shows that I like, movies that I like, games that I like, etc. Therefore, I do have some happiness and passion in my life.

It's just that in the moment of extreme depression I exaggerate my position, and believe that everything is negative...so it's overall just me being a drama queen. I really need to deal with my problems and emotions in a better way.

 

[scales]

Hey I'm super proud of you and happy you found what is right for you. I don't think you were being a drama queen or that your emotions or struggles are any less real just because someone else has it worse. Your emotions and feelings are still valid and just as important.

I'm glad you have things you enjoy in life and I hope you enjoy them more and have fewer or no more depressive episodes.

 

[worldexploder]

CTB isn't for everyone. I respect your right to live just as much as I respect someone else's right to die. At least you know what you want and that's what is Important. I wish you the best.

CTB is for me but I am at a loss for methods.

 

[Sayo]

I think I remember a thread about your situation before, describing your family and anhedonia. And... it looks like you just linked it, actually!

You have good perspective here. A lot of depression doesn't truly get better, and it can recur, but it is good to know that, if it does, it can be borne. It is hard dealing with anhedonia because it totally destroys your calculus for decision making - it tilts the scale purely towards suffering, which intensifies all-or-nothing thinking of the type you're describing. But if you know you can experience even simple pleasures, that might be enough to get you out of this episode, and into a better place where you can improve your life.

Whether you go to college or not, these are transitional periods in your life where many things might change. You aren't done growing. So try to give it your best shot - at least you have a supportive figure who wants the best for you and can hopefully give you some constructive guidance about what you should be doing. And even if it doesn't change, it seems that most people honestly live for that kind of happiness. They become adults, expand their family, and continue enjoying food, entertainment, and the world around them. So that's okay too if you prefer that over not experiencing them any more.

We're here either way. Life isn't mandatory - it can often feel terrible just because everything is coercive. But that means you can choose to live. I really wish you the best of luck.

 

[TheCuriousityDude]

Hey I'm super proud of you and happy you found what is right for you. I don't think you were being a drama queen or that your emotions or struggles are any less real just because someone else has it worse. Your emotions and feelings are still valid and just as important.

I'm glad you have things you enjoy in life and I hope you enjoy them more and have fewer or no more depressive episodes.

Thanks so much! That's both super kind and super smart of you to say at the same time! Yes, problems are problems, struggles are struggles...regardless of your position, or whether there are people even more unfortunate than you.

And thank you for your hope for me, as well! That's a pretty unrealistic goal, as I've always been a rather pessimistic and depressed person who's in a bad mood most of the time...however, my happiness and signs of enjoying life show that my life is more than just depression, and that there is indeed hope for improvement. I just sort of gotta change up my mindset, try to think more positively, perhaps try to not let the negative things bring me down, and perhaps contract a therapist as soon as I can. Easier said than done, obviously, but no work/effort, no gain.

There are some people with really bad mental illness who literally can't enjoy life, and for them, maybe suicide is the best option...but for me, fortunately, it's not the case. There is some hope. I just gotta work towards it.

 

[Made4TV]

I think this is great. I wish for you lots of good things.

 

[Threads]

That's good. You're welcome here. Not everyone here wants to die, but they support the rights of others to make that highly personal choice.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

Peace and happiness to you. I think this is a big deal, I mean realistically, we are all on this forum because we are unhappy with our lives for one reason or another. We have decided that everything is that fucked up the only option is to ctb.

The fact that you no longer wish to take that route is a winner as far as I am concerned. Pro choice, life or death, we should all have the right to chose our own destiny and you have chosen yours. All the best for the future.

 

[Schopenhauer]

To go on living by your own choice is also a right. You were brave admitting this, and your self-knowledge will probably be helpful in the future. I hope it gets better from here on.