Venting I so wanted to live, my loves.

[succor]

Alas, sometime's it's not meant to be.

It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.

Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.

Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.

How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.

How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?

Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.

Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.

I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.

 

[Ender]

I'm the same way. I want to live, but it would be better off for both me and everyone else if that wasn't the case. I wish you peace.

 

[fred farkle]

if your bf loves you that much,maybe keep trying for happiness? me, i am through,and want to die,but maybe you can makeit.

 

[Cronetappingout]

Does your country have any disability money you can collect? It usually isnt alot but it would help and he can find a job he doesn't hate?

 

[succor]

I'm the same way. I want to live, but it would be better off for both me and everyone else if that wasn't the case. I wish you peace.

I wish you peace as well, my friend.

if your bf loves you that much,maybe keep trying for happiness? me, i am through,and want to die,but maybe you can makeit.

One can love something that is terrible for them. He's too sweet to realize it. Objectively, he would be better off without me.

Does your country have any disability money you can collect? It usually isnt alot but it would help and he can find a job he doesn't hate?

Yes. I am in the process of fighting for disability and have been for the last year. They are doing everything they can to deny me again- they've already done so twice. Even if I get it, I won't make enough to make anything easier for him. Right now my parents are helping me by giving me money every month until my disability goes through. The amount that disability would give me is less than the amount that they are giving me. It makes me feel incredibly guilty that both my boyfriend and my parents are having to support me, and even if I get disability it won't be enough to make anything easier on either of them.

 

[Pookie]

I could've written this myself. I feel the exact same way. My partner is an angel but I'm dragging him down with me. I just want him to be happy and have a partner he can enjoy and do things with but how can he have that when he's stuck with useless me? He deserves so much better than this and he deserves a healthy partner. Not only am I depressed with physical ailments but I also have to deal with the extra burden of knowing that he could have a better life without me. I really feel for you and I'm sorry that life has dealt you such a harsh hand. Hugs.

 

[woknows]

I recommend a visit to a proper doctor. There might be some underlying cause to your chronic pain and even poor mental health. unfortunately, such things are underappreciated and misdiagnosed. After you have a psychiatric condition, they do not really bother to separate physical illness from mental problems. As an example. A simple lack of vitamins/minerals can cause chronic pain, poor mental health, lack of energy, poor memory,... And there are so many other options.
I read cases where people ended in a wheelchair due to a lack of vitamin b12. Imagine how much time and suffering does it take to reach such an outcome and incompetent doctors have not bothered to check such simple things as vitamin b12 levels in someone who must have been showing lots of telling symptoms. And this case is from the USA and not some third-world village dispensary.
I had suffered from chronic pain. After finally getting a course of vitamin shots and tablets, chronic pain has been reduced by 90+%.

 

[lost_soul83]

I often wish that my boyfriend would've never met me. Then he wouldn't be in the awful state he's in. I've got a severely disabled son. He's been his father for his whole life but things have gotten extremely hard for us these last few years and it's changed him. He's miserable and I wish he never would've met me or my son so he would've had a shot at a happy existence with someone else.

 

[Isitmytime]

Alas, sometime's it's not meant to be.

It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.

Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.

Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.

How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.

How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?

Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.

Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.

I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.

I am so sorry. I can relate a bit, I also have CPTSD, but no family, no close friends. I might be able to stay, if I had somebody to love me. I hope you find some peace and strenght to stay. If they love you, they will not be better off without you - no matter how it looks objectively, love is subjective. But it's your call... the way you want to live your life. Sending hugs.

 

[aneurysm]

I understand how you feel.

If it can help you, some people can only do things when it's for someone else. So, from that perspective, you are not a dead weight but you are a very precious gift to your partner (or he would have left long ago). I, for example, know that if I had someone I cared about deeply enough, I would have the courage to do a lot of things in life. But since I don't have anyone to protect, I basically let myself die little by little. Some of us can't function without others to protect.

But I am also not gonna gaslight you of course, your feelings don't come from nowhere.

 

[Bigbigsmall]

I want to ctb as my wife left me and she had her own mental health battle.

I suffer anxiety and depression like you guys but what did keep me going was having her in my life.
Now that she has gone after 13 years together I am at the bottom.
I have researched and tried short drop but failed twice and too scared to try it again.
I wish I could get SN in the uk but can't.
I wish there was a switch you could push and switch yourself off like a lightbulb.
There has to be a none scary ,100% successful and painless way.

 

[Isitmytime]

I want to ctb as my wife left me and she had her own mental health battle.

I suffer anxiety and depression like you guys but what did keep me going was having her in my life.
Now that she has gone after 13 years together I am at the bottom.
I have researched and tried short drop but failed twice and too scared to try it again.
I wish I could get SN in the uk but can't.
I wish there was a switch you could push and switch yourself off like a lightbulb.
There has to be a none scary ,100% successful and painless way.

I think I totally get it. Very similar to my situation, but after 21 years. I am so sorry for you. I wish I could give you some positive ideas, but I have none for myself that actually work. Could you find another partner? I sure can't, as long as I still love my ex. And the betrayal sucks... whom am I going to be able to trust again anyhow? I've had my share of trauma and abuse in childhood, CPTSD... I just can't take this one more hit. Not after giving my all to it and being left broke and alone in the world. No support network either.
Do you have a pet? That might help, especially a dog. But then again, I have dogs... and it's not enough. Makes me feel more guilty for being a mess and not sure I'll be able to care for them. I've waited so long hoping I will get over it, I don't think I can take it much longer. Even some fear and pain look more bearable than my current state.
Unfortunately I think it is always scary, no matter how it happens, unless it is not planned and it happens in your sleep. Same for totally painless... Not many people are lucky enough to get that, even if they have no intention to ctb. I aim for minimal discomfort & duration.
So much pain around us... I am so sad but grateful for having a way to express it without judgement. Maybe it will keep me going for one more day, maybe a miracle happens...

 

[WornOutLife]

Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.

At least you have a partner. That would've helped so much! I bet he can help you out more than you think!
Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Hope things get better somehow.

Hugs and love

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

The world has failed us disabled people. You deserve adequate compensation so that you and your partner don't have to worry so much about finances. It is not your fault. We didn't chose to have physical illnesses, nature doesn't care about societal structures, expectations, and feelings. One does not choose to be sick, it is certainly not your fault. There should be more kindness towards disabled people and we should not be treated like a burden on this shitty world. You deserve so much better than this!

 

[NotOkay_]

Alas, sometime's it's not meant to be.

It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.

Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.

Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.

How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.

How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?

Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.

Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.

I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.

Same

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Same ngl, a lot of times I've hoped things would get better but nothing changes.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Alas, sometime's it's not meant to be.

It's taking everything in me not to end it right now. I wanted to have a better plan- hell, I HAVE a plan, but more and more it's not looking like I'm going to be able to wait.

Everything is getting worse. My health. My living situation. My partner is beautiful and wonderful but I am holding him back in so many ways. He spent the night sobbing tonight because he hates his job so much. It's so stressful that it's making him physically ill. The doctor has recommended that he find another job. The only reason he has the one he has now is because I'm disabled and it was the only thing that paid enough to support the both of us.

Through tears, he kept apologizing for failing me.

How can he not see that I'm the one that failed him? All of this suffering, his pain and sickness, his declining mental health is due to me not being able to contribute or pull my own weight. I can barely even do housework. He praises me when I load the dishwasher. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky. I don't deserve his kindness and love. Me being alive is a drain on everyone around me. They pour so much time and money and effort into keeping me alive and comfortable and even still, here I am with all of you, wracked with sadness. I am unfixable.

How many resources must be wasted before it's fair to give up? It's like I'm an old beater car that you keep replacing parts on. Eventually the amount of money that you sink into it will outweigh the value of the car itself. Eventually you'll be underwater. When is it safe to call it a day and cut your losses? How much more must everyone lose?

Removing me from the equation will balance everything else out. When the plane is going down, try to drop the biggest weight so you have a better chance of leveling.

Everything has just compounded to be far too much. The chronic pain, the chronic illnesses, the mental illnesses, the invasive thoughts, CPTSD, OCD, being a burden and detriment to everyone I've ever cared for.

I wanted so badly to live. There was a time I thought everything could be beautiful. Now I'm staring at my rope and wondering if my convulsions will be too loud and wake him up downstairs. I'm standing on this precipice. I don't feel like I can wait any longer. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die. I need to die.

I truly could have written this, holy shit. I don't have any answers but I'm here with you in solidarity sending so much love and strength to you. It's so awfully unbearable having chronic illness on top of mental illness.