I Simply Cannot Do It Anymore

[milknife02]

I was planning on waiting til after Christmas. I was planning on waiting til mid November. I was planning on holding out to give my family one or two more good memories with me, but I can't do it anymore! They want me to live for them for the rest of my life but I can't hold out a few more months longer! At this stage, months sound like years and days like months. Every hour is torment. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it that I haven't ordered the meds sooner so I could just get it over with tomorrow. What a waste my life was. Every waking second just more bullshit I spoon fed myself. I am such an dense moron for the constant lying to myself. None of that makes it better, it just makes me seem more of an idiot, which I guess I am! I can't live in this body any longer. People talk about feeling peace before it happens but all I feel is angry and upset at all this wasted, all the time, money, emotional labor, worrying, all for what? For me to die? Yes, it seems so! I hate how everything thats happened has led up to...nothing. These poor people, my family, get emotionally attached to someone who isn't even going to be here in the next 6 months. That's tragic. But everyday is 'tragic' for me. Having to exist and live like this to please other people. I can't do it, I won't do it, I have the sn, I'm ordering the pills, I'll go to some hotel, I won't leave a note. I don't care about getting a job anymore, I really don't. If I make it till November, well, then that means I've found some sort of work that doesn't make me want to off myself instantly but really, really, I don't see that happening at all. I'm sorry for ruining my siblings life and leaving my parents and grandparents with my $5,000 of debt. I don't know how they're going to handle that. But I can't pay it because I can't be here any longer. It's so incredibly painful.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly understand that it's so dreadful suffering in this existence, I also find it painful to exist. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

This is going to sound cruel to you, but if you're really serious about suicide you can't let yourself be emotionally controlled by family too much. They tried that with me for years, saying depression is not real, I am just a liar, I need to work and get them money because else I am worthless...and now I freed myself of this. I won't live as slave, I die in freedom. Don't know if your situation is as bad as mine, but I just wanted to say that...I spent so many years terrified of family.

 

[milknife02]

My family is not as awful as yours is, I'm sorry to hear that you had to live like that. I am more haunted by the idea of their extreme grief. Being serious about suicide while also imagning that just makes the act painful instead of peaceful because its like im just handing them my pain, not 'getting rid of it'. I feel guilt. I don't want to hurt them but I will, because I have to get out.