everlastinghistory
Member
- May 5, 2022
- 86
There's a girl I constantly talk about both on here and otherwise. I love her. I don't think I've ever truly loved anyone or anything else. But things are different with her for some reason. I really do care about her.
The thing is when we met I had been planning to commit and the date I had chosen was almost exactly 2 months later. Some point during those 2 months I had a breakdown one night. Because I didn't want to leave her here alone. Because I felt like I was supposed to get to know her better. Like we had met for a reason.
But now it's been a year and a half. She's blocked me everywhere. All her social media is private with DM's turned off. I have no way to contact her. And I can't even blame her because I have hurt her so many fucking times and that was never and will never be fair to her. No matter how hard I tried to make her happy, I couldn't.
I hate myself for letting myself hurt her. I should've just done it when I had originally planned and ignored that feeling that we were "meant to meet". All I ever did was hurt her. And now I just feel pathetic for caring so much because I've never cared this much before. I always forget about people immediately. I never truly get attached. I never truly love or feel for people. But I did with her and I can't change that fact because I don't even know what caused it.
All I wanted was to make her happy and to make her realize she really is perfect… But instead I kept hurting her over and over and over again until eventually she got tired of it and didn't want to talk to me at all anymore.
I wish I was already dead. That I didn't have to go through the effort of finding a way to cause my death. I just want to magically disappear from existence. I know I can't, but I wish I could.
Maybe somewhere out there there's a reality where we could really be together and truly be happy. Maybe if I die I'll reincarnate into a place where things would finally be okay.
The reality is things in my life have been going wrong since the moment I was born. I almost died during my first few minutes alive. My chances of survival as a baby were 1% without a surgery I got. I wish they hadn't done the surgery. The universe didn't want me here and I don't want me here either. Something out there fucked up. I was never meant to last this long in this world. My existence was never meant to make it this long. I'm doomed to repeat my actions no matter how much I think I've learnt from them. I know I am.
The thing is when we met I had been planning to commit and the date I had chosen was almost exactly 2 months later. Some point during those 2 months I had a breakdown one night. Because I didn't want to leave her here alone. Because I felt like I was supposed to get to know her better. Like we had met for a reason.
But now it's been a year and a half. She's blocked me everywhere. All her social media is private with DM's turned off. I have no way to contact her. And I can't even blame her because I have hurt her so many fucking times and that was never and will never be fair to her. No matter how hard I tried to make her happy, I couldn't.
I hate myself for letting myself hurt her. I should've just done it when I had originally planned and ignored that feeling that we were "meant to meet". All I ever did was hurt her. And now I just feel pathetic for caring so much because I've never cared this much before. I always forget about people immediately. I never truly get attached. I never truly love or feel for people. But I did with her and I can't change that fact because I don't even know what caused it.
All I wanted was to make her happy and to make her realize she really is perfect… But instead I kept hurting her over and over and over again until eventually she got tired of it and didn't want to talk to me at all anymore.
I wish I was already dead. That I didn't have to go through the effort of finding a way to cause my death. I just want to magically disappear from existence. I know I can't, but I wish I could.
Maybe somewhere out there there's a reality where we could really be together and truly be happy. Maybe if I die I'll reincarnate into a place where things would finally be okay.
The reality is things in my life have been going wrong since the moment I was born. I almost died during my first few minutes alive. My chances of survival as a baby were 1% without a surgery I got. I wish they hadn't done the surgery. The universe didn't want me here and I don't want me here either. Something out there fucked up. I was never meant to last this long in this world. My existence was never meant to make it this long. I'm doomed to repeat my actions no matter how much I think I've learnt from them. I know I am.
