Venting I should be dead right now

[dead lightbulb]

I failed an attempt this weekend and it went horribly. My father found me because ofcourse after an hour of staling and finally building up the courage to hang myself he walks up the stairs. I don't have a door so if he takes a quick glance into my room he'll see me attempting to hang myself. So I turn off all the lights and scramble to hide but ofcourse I forget the rope which is still up. So he walks in turns on the light and immediately ask what I'm doing. I say it's a project for biology. He just stares at me smugly and yells at me so I get into a blind rage and tell him to get out of my room. I eventually leave my room after my siblings find out what's going on. They don't care. They just tell me to stop seeking attention. So I hide in my garage all night coke up early in the morning to sleep and the rope is gone. For the past days I've had my phone taken and haven't been to school. But today I got it back and I went to school late but I went. And I'm only wondering what I'm still doing here as I type this. It's so hard to attempt when I have no door. And I live with a lot of people who are constantly peeking into my room. I don't have a car to drive to a location I live in the middle of suburbia. I found the jump rope from my first attempt but I'm scared that the next time I find the courage to attempt I'll be found while I'm still alive and be brain dead for the rest of my life. IM JUST SO SURROUNDED ALL THE TIME. I want to fly to a different country, one with lots of natural beautiful scenery, and kill myself all alone in a small cozy cottage while blasting my music. But my only option is the garage door or my dirty closet. I mean atleast I have access to what I need. I'm thinking of attempting tonight because I can't go back to school tomorrow it's the most miserable thing to put my mind through without break, 8 hours of complete tension. But that's all for now. Hopefully I can try again soon and succeed, and this can be my second to last post here. I made a post here Saturday and it received a lot of love so thank you everybody for that .

 

[Yakamoz]

I am sorry mate. Yeah don't try it home. Way too risky.

 

[Smart No More]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[dead lightbulb]

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

I'm 18

 

[Smart No More]

Is moving out into your own space out of the question? Just having room to breath can work wonders. I moved out of the family home when I was younger than you and it was liberating. I understand its not an option for everyone but it's worth chasing down if there's even a shred of possibility.

 

[dead lightbulb]

Is moving out into your own space out of the question? Just having room to breath can work wonders. I moved out of the family home when I was younger than you and it was liberating. I understand its not an option for everyone but it's worth chasing down if there's even a shred of possibility.

I quit my job for mental health reasons two months ago and I have no money saved up. No one I can stay with and no outlet. I'm simply trapped here unless I kill myself because if I continue living I'm gonna fail all my classes and become a nobody living a 9-5 for the rest of my miserable sorry existence.

 

[Smart No More]

I'm sorry to hear that. Is there a welfare system where you live? Perhaps you could raise your issues to a tutor or something and explain that home life is impacting your ability to do your studies. You may be able to qualify for housung under some kind of scheme or initiative. If not you may be able to at least get an extension on your work or whatever.

Sorry you're going through all this.

 

[dead lightbulb]

Honestly don't want to better my school situation because of self sabotage. I'm not planning on turning in any work and I have all D's and F's. It's too late anyways. Everyone's joined clubs and applying to colleges. I'm just too late, I'm not going to even bother. It's lazy, pessimistic, selfish, stupid, and I'm taking all the recourses I have in life for granted. I'm a waste of potential sadly, I used to be a gifted kid (so surprising amiright). I am done with the forced motivation and optimism for a future I want no part of. I want to get to the point where I have no options but to cbt. Thanks for reaching out to me though I seriously appreciate it! :)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry your family doesn't give you the support you deserve with your mental health. You are definitely not alone in having an unsupportive family. I know it really sucks to not have resources and to be stuck in an bad environment. 18 is very young; many people would kill
to return to that age. Sometimes we have to put up with bad situations for some time before we can be free of it. I know it doesn't seem this way to you now but I don't believe you are doomed to be like this. I think you will be able to live more on your terms.

 

[dead lightbulb]

18 is very young; many people would kill
to return to that age.

Yeah that's how I see myself thinking in a couple decades if I don't cbt soon. Tired of the false optimism people tell me to adopt to continue doing well in school. It'll translate into a career. And before I know it I'll be old and regret having not cbt a long time ago. I strongly feel this way. I don't think any advice is gonna get through my thick skull into my stubborn brain. I hope reality gives me a good final blow so I finally have a catalyst. Cancer. Homelessness. Natural disaster. That would be nice, especially because I do deserve it. Again, thank you for your kindness!

 

[Smart No More]

I think a lot of gifted kids end up being wasted potential because school curriculum is made as a one size fits all program. This often causes gifted kids to struggle as they're not engaged. On the polar opposite end of that are the kids who struggle and end up isolated as a result. These two groups kind of find themselves in a similar situation. Misbehaving and looking for fulfilment elsewhere. I was in one of these groups myself and got in trouble as a result. It's ironic really because the program set to fit everyone just catches and meets the needs of the people right in the middle and they become the people that inherit the world where those that might have had significant positive impact on things never see an influential role in the world. They tend to self destruct one way or another.

Obviously things aren't entirely as black and white as the above rhetoric might indicate. I'm aware of that but the world could be much better off now if schooling was more tailored to the students. Even putting gifted kids up a few levels early on doesn't really meet their potential. Though I guess it's better than nothing.

 

[Yakamoz]

Yeah that's how I see myself thinking in a couple decades if I don't cbt soon. Tired of the false optimism people tell me to adopt to continue doing well in school. It'll translate into a career. And before I know it I'll be old and regret having not cbt a long time ago. I strongly feel this way. I don't think any advice is gonna get through my thick skull into my stubborn brain. I hope reality gives me a good final blow so I finally have a catalyst. Cancer. Homelessness. Natural disaster. That would be nice, especially because I do deserve it. Again, thank you for your kindness!

I think he meant to say many people would kill to be that young again, not really about regretting about suicide

 

[dead lightbulb]

I think he meant to say many people would kill to be that young again, not really about regretting about suicide

Yeah I understood. I mean these are supposed to be the golden years of my life but I'm miserable and it only gets worse for me from here. Being young doesn't mean I'm enjoying my life or have had a easy life up until this point. But I do understand people who feel that way. Generally less responsibility and awareness of the world. Similar thought process to how people think rich people can't be unhappy because they have enough money to live comfortably.

Honestly I'd give up my position to someone else for free right now if I could. But I don't have that control so all I can do is complain about my life, and I'm certainly not waiting until adulthood to.

 

[Yakamoz]

these are supposed to be the golden years of my life but I'm miserable

maybe cuz you think you are miserable, try to think and act otherwise

 

[dead lightbulb]

maybe cuz you think you are miserable, try to think and act otherwise

Wow thank you! This gave me some clarity, and I am no longer miserable! All my problems magically went away because of forced optimism!

 

[Yakamoz]

Wow thank you! This gave me some clarity, and I am no longer miserable! All my problems magically went away because of forced optimism!

why forced? think of a new POV.

get yourself a pair of sneakers and a backpack, sometimes it's all you need.

 

[dead lightbulb]

why forced? think of a new POV.

get yourself a pair of sneakers and a backpack, sometimes it's all you need.

Thanks for the laugh!

 

[Yakamoz]

Thanks for the laugh!

I then am sorry!

 

[coseymo]

Could you perhaps go somewhere more quiet with a bike or bus? I feel you, because I also live in a dysfunctional home with no resources to move out. I do not guarantee it, but having moving out as your motivation could be your reason to live a bit longer (if you have no way to ctb in peace). At least maybe working somewhere for a few months to save up money for a hotel. Because where you live, sounds like sensory hell. If the decision to end your life isn't impulsive, it will persist. NEVER rush it, only do it when you're fully ready. It is the last option after all.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah that's how I see myself thinking in a couple decades if I don't cbt soon. Tired of the false optimism people tell me to adopt to continue doing well in school. It'll translate into a career. And before I know it I'll be old and regret having not cbt a long time ago. I strongly feel this way. I don't think any advice is gonna get through my thick skull into my stubborn brain. I hope reality gives me a good final blow so I finally have a catalyst. Cancer. Homelessness. Natural disaster. That would be nice, especially because I do deserve it. Again, thank you for your kindness!

Well, time is on your side for now. You can't say with any certainty what life is going to end up like for you and if things turn even worse CTB will always be an option.

 

[almaranthine]

I quit my job for mental health reasons two months ago and I have no money saved up. No one I can stay with and no outlet. I'm simply trapped here unless I kill myself because if I continue living I'm gonna fail all my classes and become a nobody living a 9-5 for the rest of my miserable sorry existence.

Can confirm... failed all my classes in college, dropped out and become a nobody working shitty retail jobs for years. The most I've ever saved up in my bank account at one time was 10k. Been pretty much broke over the course of my entire adult life. I'm 27.
Do not recommend.
Hopefully my miserable existence ends soon.

 

[outovhere]

You should try doing it outside, alone away from distraction and interruptions. Find a tree you like. GL

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wanting to be free from this life are understandable, being trapped in an existence that you hate and are tired of really can be dreadful. It must had been awful having your attempt interrupted, I do think that people should ctb in somewhere where they are guaranteed to have significant time alone. It sounds so horrible getting damage from an attempt, that is what I fear. Other people really shouldn't have any right to interfere with our decision to leave this world. I wish you freedom from all suffering.

 

[makethepainstop]

Honestly don't want to better my school situation because of self sabotage. I'm not planning on turning in any work and I have all D's and F's. It's too late anyways. Everyone's joined clubs and applying to colleges. I'm just too late, I'm not going to even bother. It's lazy, pessimistic, selfish, stupid, and I'm taking all the recourses I have in life for granted. I'm a waste of potential sadly, I used to be a gifted kid (so surprising amiright). I am done with the forced motivation and optimism for a future I want no part of. I want to get to the point where I have no options but to cbt. Thanks for reaching out to me though I seriously appreciate it! :)

Hey little bro, could you listen to me for a minute? How about calling your local counties health department and get some help. At your age, life is full of scary things. At least consider talking to a counselor about how your feeling. It's is easy to be overwhelmed at your age. Older people like me take a little bit more to overwhelm us. Much love to you brother or sister that you are.

 

[brokensea]

If you didn't live at home and could start over at community college, have friends and a partner would you be happier do you think? Those things are all possible. You don't have to work retail forever to do whatever you would like to do. You can do something creative or be a park ranger or an actor literally can try anything aside from retail. You can start a new life and start college over even at a community college and get assistance. Lots of people fail or have a bad time then still finish school. Your life isn't all mapped out yet and you have possibilities in the future to be in a different place than you are now. Away from your family. It's not easy but death isn't the only option for problems, some of which you can fix in time.