Venting I screwed up

[Nightmare Painting]

So this morning my father was suppose to take his puppy to the vet but we also have two other dogs we are taking care of for someone else. He was being extremely verbally aggressive towards one of the dogs getting in his way as he was getting out of the door and tried to push it with his leg. I told him to leave the dog alone, it's just a dog. I ended up screaming at him about what an asshole he is and always has been including my mom. He asked me how I was an asshole and I screamed how they spent my childhood abusing me. Then I started spouting the same words my mom would scream at me as a child like "I hope to god you drop dead, "broken child" , "lunatic", etc. He asked me if I knew whose house I live in and I said that I did and that he's free to kick me out any time. I told him I can leave right now but then he said "but I don't want to leave because I like you". I told him that I didn't like him, he said "You don't like anyone" , I said no shit because this family is full of a bunch of assholes.

I'm usually extremely quiet because I'm numb from my trauma and I know it's not worth arguing with narcissists but I got so triggered today so I couldn't help myself. Anyways, I've been putting off my CTB for a long while and was actively planning to leave for weeks now. Today I was planning on leaving before I had this screaming match and I feel like it puts a dent in my plans, like now I'll be caught attempting because the argument today was so out of character.

I know this makes me sound like a teenager or something but my mind about CTB has never changed for the past 20 years. I've been suicidal since I was 10 years old and I'm over 30 years old now. My mind has never changed, not even once. I just feel like a constant fuckup for ruining my plans to leave because of that argument and because I keep putting it off in general. My dog is dead, my best friend killed herself, I live with two narcissists; one that was accused of being a pedophile. I like in chronic physical and mental pain, disability, poverty, never been happy in my life and I could go on and on. I just need to go and I'm tired of failing myself. Suicide was suppose to be the one genuine act of love I could give myself and I can't even do that.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence and it sounds so awful what you have to go through. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering as none of us should ever have to endure such pain.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

The household you're in right now sounds so full of stress, anxiety, and hopelessness, I can't even imagine what that is like for you. It's no good for anyone, actually, not even your father. It's way more difficult to make decisions, especially one as consequential as ctb, when all that shit is going on continuously. I hope you can get to a place, physically OR even emotionally, maybe both, where things are calmer for you and you can then reflect and make a rational decision about what you want to do. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Peace to you.

 

[Mia Wallace]

Ugh I am so sorry. I have grown up with my father, sister and brother all narcissists and treated me horribly from a young age. I found myself moving back in with my dad a year ago after my mom passed and a horrible breakup. (I am too in my 30's) he has never changed. I came back bc he needed support from mom being gone (the only sane person in my fam) and I wanted to save to buy a house and stop renting. He has only used me as a punching bag this whole time and idk wtf I'm still here tbh but I do understand what it's like to deal with people like that esp parents so if you need to chat, you can message me anytime