i screwed up my last attempt by telling my friend i would do it, trying not to repeat it

[monetpompo]

i guess because it would feel good to be told "noooo!! don't do it!". but he'll probably just call the cops on me again. he would totally do it again. i mostly just want someone to comfort me and tell me that i actually don't need to kill myself, even though i've really already made up my mind. do you guys feel that way too? sorry if i'm getting parasocial on the suicide forum. i've been texting my irl friend less since i've been planning my attempt. i still miss him, but i have bad impulse control so i would mention wanting to kill myself again.

i'm thinking about talking to AI on my last day but that might make me feel more lonely. i feel more comfortable being on my own instead of trying to reach out to people because i always feel like a burden when i do. it's hard to deal with feeling so alone. i know i'm not supposed to talk to people when i'm so depressed, though. they'll just get annoyed or feel uncomfortable, but have to pretend they want to listen to me. it sucks to be such a big burden to everyone. i'm just meant to repress the feeling to avoid bothering anyone or make them worried about me for no reason. i'm trying to avoid sending some self pitying text like "i'm sorry that i ruined our friendship" since that would just be a red flag. i already have a goodbye letter i plan on sending to him in advance. i just want to hear from him again, even if that's dumb. i hope he makes better friends than me when i'm dead. i'm just not the same person he met. i got worse and he got better.