Venting I ruined everything and I get to pay the price soon

[artroom1931]

I destroyed my entire life by letting my mental illness get the best of me. I lost everything I had. Everything that was important to me.

I feel bad for those who love me because I know my death will hurt them a lot. But if I don't die, I'll continue to cause them problems for the rest of my life. I'll always have them worrying about me. I don't want that for them. If I die, it will hurt, but the pain will eventually fade and they will move on. It's all I can ask for.

The one I love the most wants me to die. I've hurt him so badly so many times. I've been a monster to him. On the day that I die, I plan to cut my arms once for every time I've hurt him or inconvenienced him. I'm just so excited to finally kill myself so he can be happy. I know he'll be so relieved when he hears the news. All I want is to bring his smile back.

I've enjoyed all the moments I've had this last month. I watch every sunset like it's the last one I'll see, do my best to savour all the food I eat, and enjoy time with my friends as best I can. Because I know one day, it'll be my last time doing each of these things. Soon I'll get that opportunity I'm looking for to put my plan into action. And it just can't come soon enough.

 

[inactive]

I don't even know you and I'm going to miss you. Your few posts have been lovely to read and they hit close to home in some respects. I hope that this is truly your time and that it's the right decision. Wishing you peace, no matter what you do

 

[Nunyabinniss]

You're lucky to have people that do you love you. i'm get me wrong I understand how that can be taxing and make you feel like a burden I feel the same way or similar. How are used to back when people really cared but the older you get the less people are in your life and the less they care or give a shit haha. The one that you love wants you to die? I'm Interested in what you mean by that and what's going on there. Please do tell more.

 

[draw a circle]

Heck bro sorry for what you're going through. This is somewhat relatable to me lol. I hope things will go well

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The one I love the most wants me to die.

I'm curious, how do you know that?

 

[artroom1931]

I don't even know you and I'm going to miss you. Your few posts have been lovely to read and they hit close to home in some respects. I hope that this is truly your time and that it's the right decision. Wishing you peace, no matter what you do

You are so amazing (；ω；) Thank you so very much

You're lucky to have people that do you love you. i'm get me wrong I understand how that can be taxing and make you feel like a burden I feel the same way or similar. How are used to back when people really cared but the older you get the less people are in your life and the less they care or give a shit haha. The one that you love wants you to die? I'm Interested in what you mean by that and what's going on there. Please do tell more.

It's a long, long long story...the one who supported me and helped guide me finally got sick of dealing with me. He always told me I could always reach out to him and he would support me, and he would be by my side until the end. I really believed him, but he gave up on me a short while ago and completely cut contact with me. Come to find out he cheated on me with my best friend...only added to the mess. I've given up on ever trying again. I know I lost the only person who could ever love someone like me, and it hurts me so badly.

I'm curious, how do you know that?

Through his actions, it's painfully obvious...I know how much relief he would feel if I was finally dead and he never had to think or worry about me again. I've burdened him for years, and dying is the best way to get rid of that weight permanently.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Through his actions, it's painfully obvious...I know how much relief he would feel if I was finally dead and he never had to think or worry about me again. I've burdened him for years, and dying is the best way to get rid of that weight permanently

I'm curious what kinds of actions clearly communicate that he wants you to die.

I hope I'm not coming across as aggressive!

 

[artroom1931]

I'm curious what kinds of actions clearly communicate that he wants you to die.

I hope I'm not coming across as aggressive!

Of course not, no worries! I'm trying to keep things vague because I worry I might be recognized here (I'm just super paranoid, ignore me _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):). I was essentially treated like a princess - he always cared for me, bought me presents, helped me eat, encouraged me, everything. He was my rock in every sense of the word, and he always told me he never minded it and to always come to him. But as soon as he was "over me", I became nothing. He barely spoke to me, was extremely harsh and blunt, and later tried to turn his friends against me. The change was within a few weeks. Me wanting to die is also me wanting to get rid of this pain, but also because I know how happy he'll be to never have to think about me again.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Of course not, no worries! I'm trying to keep things vague because I worry I might be recognized here (I'm just super paranoid, ignore me _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):). I was essentially treated like a princess - he always cared for me, bought me presents, helped me eat, encouraged me, everything. He was my rock in every sense of the word, and he always told me he never minded it and to always come to him. But as soon as he was "over me", I became nothing. He barely spoke to me, was extremely harsh and blunt, and later tried to turn his friends against me. The change was within a few weeks. Me wanting to die is also me wanting to get rid of this pain, but also because I know how happy he'll be to never have to think about me again.

Thanks for responding.

My thought on this, not that you solicited them, are that you're assigning thoughts and intentions he hasn't spoken based on his actions. What his actions communicate to me are a classic narcissistic pattern of the magical period to get someone hooked, and then tactics to devalue, smear, and discard. If he also wants you dead, that's just more narcissistic abuse, because it's all about him. It's sick, and it's a kind of sick you can't heal. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You only have control over you and can only make the effort to heal you, which you deserve.

I'm sorry that you've gone through this, I have so much compassion for the hurt it's caused you. But also, you existed before you met him, he did not bring you into the world and he doesn't decide if you get to stay in it. He's never going to go back to acting the way he used to, which was a lure, and that's not representative of who he is. How he's treating you since he changed is representative of who he is, and that certainly wouldn't have been attractive.

It reminds me of a guy I was with, he was all charm and ego boosts, but partway in he admitted that he either wanted a woman who was his equal or who was a doormat, and I didn't pay enough attention to that, didn't listen to how my gut turned and how I felt disgusted by that, how it was an admission of his character that I found unworthy of my respect. He cruelly discarded me when I was a formidable equal, and then not long after tried to hoover me to see if I'd be a doormat. I don't want you to beat up on yourself, but in retrospect, did this guy send up red flags that you overrode, things that highlighted his questionable character?

All I can say is that I hope you'll consider focusing on your own happiness instead of his. If he'd be happy that you're dead, he's a right shitty person. You seem to be a good person. He's clearly not leaving the world so we're stuck with him, but of the two of you, the world is better for you being in it, not him. He'll go on to abuse others and get his narcissistic supply from them, I hope you can find a way to stop being a supply for him and start supplying yourself with all your goodness.

BTW, what happened when he was "over you"? Had you been improving and getting more capable? Was it totally out of the blue? Had any of his regular habits changed?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Of course not, no worries! I'm trying to keep things vague because I worry I might be recognized here (I'm just super paranoid, ignore me _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):). I was essentially treated like a princess - he always cared for me, bought me presents, helped me eat, encouraged me, everything. He was my rock in every sense of the word, and he always told me he never minded it and to always come to him. But as soon as he was "over me", I became nothing. He barely spoke to me, was extremely harsh and blunt, and later tried to turn his friends against me. The change was within a few weeks. Me wanting to die is also me wanting to get rid of this pain, but also because I know how happy he'll be to never have to think about me again.

I'm so sorry you were treated like that.

 

[sadstuffie]

hii! im really super sorry all of those bad things happened to you. i know how that feels, I've had something very similar happen to me. you dont deserve that, you deserve to be loved ! ❤ i am here to support you no matter what!