Utter_emptiness
I hate myself
- Dec 22, 2022
- 29
These past few days were a total nightmare for me and it just led to my relapse and falling into the suicidal mindset. It started with my dad and I picking a fight because I brought a new guitar home and he told me that I should focus on my studies and how I should fear god (Newsflash, allah hates music as well). Because of that argument, I didn't study for my embryology exam and I spent the entire night crying and wishing I wasn't born into an Islamic country. Now the thing is, I had an entire month to prepare for those exams but being the lazy, worthless, dumb bitch that i am, I kept procrastinating. The exam went well despite how little my efforts were. I got 10/20 which helped alter my mood for the following days. Today, I passed my cellular biology exam and guess how much I got? 4/20, the last fucking grade in the graduating class. I mean that's what I deserve for not studying enough for it. I'm simply one of those people who strongly believes that if something doesn't work in my favour, it was never meant for me. And that's how I feel about med school, I miraculously got in even though I didn't put that much effort into it, and I simply thought that that's my destiny especially since it made my parents proud of me after my apostasy. Last year, I didn't study any module given how depressed I was throughout the academic year which resulted in me repeating it. This year seems focred as well and it appears that this thing was never meant for me. The thing is, im passionate about a lot of medical specialities like psychiatry, dermatology and neurology but I don't think I'm strong and patient enough to persue such a careeer. But I really don't have any choice because; a. Medical school is the only successful field in my underdeveloped country. b. My dad said that this is my last chance and if I end up repeating the year, he'll stop me from finishing my studies in another field. (You can't repeat the year twice in med school, so you'll be kicked out). I hate how ungrateful I am for the golden opportunities that I have. Finishing med school is my ticket out of this shitshow of a country and into a more developed, liberal, secular country. I just need to be patient for 11 years (7years general medicine+ 4 years residency). But now, im convinced that I can't do it and I dont acquire that much patience to wait that long. I will never be able to do it, I will never ever live the life of my dreams. I'm determined to take my own life on my 20th birthday which will be on the 26th of February 2023. life is hard and i can't take this anymore.
Ps,If you're interested in knowing what it feels like to live as an atheist in an Islamic country, lmk so I can make a post about it.
Ps,If you're interested in knowing what it feels like to live as an atheist in an Islamic country, lmk so I can make a post about it.
