I relapsed last night 🙃

[LilysAngel]

2 years ago I was in rehab.
1 year ago today I graduated from a methadone clinic. I was given methadone every day by a dr to combat a fenty addiction. I still have withdrawal symptoms from methadone to this day.

I have worked so hard the last 2 years to rebuild my life. I have a supportive girlfriend, I have friends since the first time since highschool, I have an entire community of people who support me. I have WORKED. I haven't touched anything other than weed in 2 years.

And it's all gone.

A boy on SaSu said something mean to me and I relapsed.

2 years of the hardest thing I have ever done. Gone. Just like that.

The first thing I did this morning was swallow pills.

Give it a month and I can almost guarantee I'll be a zombie again.

I will never go through methadone treatment again.
*if I missed my dose by 2 hours I was resllyyy sick for the rest of the day
*I can't sleep. I have RLS. I have weird stomach issues. I sweat sll of the time. From methadone. A year ago.

The fenty withdrawals were better than the methadone withdrawals.

I can see it now. My entire life ruined. Again. Everyone I trust and love. Gone. People don't stick around drugs when you're not fun.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

It must be difficult, do you really get addicted from using it just once? I asked about fent as ctb method if it fails will I get addicted and someone said you won't, I can't ask anywhere else because I got banned from the fentanyl subreddit for asking how much is a lethal dose.

 

[Tesha]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Addiction is insidious, so I understand your fears.

I suppose the question is what do YOU want to do now? You took some pills and yes, that's broken your streak of being clean (which was a fantastic achievement btw).

Do you want to start a new sober / clean streak? It's clear you have the capacity to do that, if you want it.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Wow lilys angel. Don't let 1 time relapse upset u so badly. You can figure this out. Maybe total abstinence not the best way for you. Sounds like that's the case with withdrawal you're describing. I think you're incredibly strong for not relapse b4 now really. I still have withdrawals years later too. Maybe it's not the same as if I quit using heroin yesterday but it seems like I will have some withdrawal 4ever. If people abandon you over 1 moment of weakness, they don't deserve you anyway. I don't think everyone will. Some gotta understand

 

[DefinitelyReady]

It must be difficult, do you really get addicted from using it just once? I asked about fent as ctb method if it fails will I get addicted and someone said you won't, I can't ask anywhere else because I got banned from the fentanyl subreddit for asking how much is a lethal dose.

They say it only takes once for a lot of drugs, even smoking; and I believe them. Not that it will only take once for EVERYONE, but it's not worth chancing. Although I would love to ctb by fentanyl too. But I don't have any resources and I don't like getting high or drunk anyway which is a wonder because all of my family does or is predisposed to wanting to.

 

[DeathSleep]

I'm an addict with six years in recovery. Someone said something to me once that I really like. You don't lose your clean time. It happened and it's still there. I don't know how long you've been using but you had a slip. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. Whether it's a day or a week. You can just say you've had two years and a slip and move on. Not everyone will agree with that but all that matters is if it helps you get through this without destroying your life. I've seen people relapse and feel like it's the end of the world for them. You don't have to continue a downward spiral. It gets harder to get out of the further down you go. I'm sure you know it can always get worse. Congratulate yourself on getting two years. That's huge. You've proved to yourself that you can do that. That's important.

It helps me thinking about it that way anyways because there's less pressure to start your time over again and it seems less catastrophic and overwhelming and more manageable. Instead of falling off a cliff you just tripped.

I've never been on methadone but I've heard horrible stories about the withdraws.

But I don't really know your situation. I hope this helps. Sorry if not.

I didn't mean to make this sound as positive as it came off btw. I know it's not that simple. I think about relapsing often because if I'm going to die why not, right? I'm just horrified of the consequences at this point. It got very bad last time. It still feels like it was recent.
Anyways, I wish you the best.

 

[LilysAngel]

In the past 24hrs I had dinner with my dad. He said "wow you must have slept well last night. This is the happiest you've looked in years."

I also just had the best day of work I have had in years.

My mind is clear. I am not thinking of anything that has happened to me or I have done to someone else. I'm just present. In the moment. Happy.

I had sex with my husband for the first time since Christmas.

I've been in a bed other than for work for the past year.

So yeah, you can get addicted once. The first taste again, the little memory of it was like. Instant addiction again. Soon enough, the physical addiction will follow.

 

[Raindancer]

Relapse is part of recovery. It sounds like you really worked hard and if not enjoying being sober, you were positive about it. Yes it's hard, possibly the hardest thing anyone does. But maybe it can be a slip instead of a relapse as @DeathSleep said. That is up to you. You did not lose all the knowledge you gained these last two years. I believe in you, be kind to yourself, we are all just human and doing the best we can.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

Curious -why not just CTB with fent?
For myself i always thought i would die clean. Now it doesnt seem to matter as much. Ive been removed from the drug scene for several years. Im still not certain on my ctb method but OD is always an option.

 

[LilysAngel]

Curious -why not just CTB with fent?
For myself i always thought i would die clean. Now it doesnt seem to matter as much. Ive been removed from the drug scene for several years. Im still not certain on my ctb method but OD is always an option.

I have OD with fenty. Very painful. Also if it does not work. I will not be addicted to F again. Also you know nothing about me. How do you know if I even want to CTB? Because now I'm not. So why are you telling me I should CTB?

Just bc you want something doesn't mean everyone else does.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

I have OD with fenty. Very painful. Also if it does not work. I will not be addicted to F again. Also you know nothing about me. How do you know if I even want to CTB? Because now I'm not. So why are you telling me I should CTB?

Just bc you want something doesn't mean everyone else does.

Sorry if you misunderstood. I read your posts about CTB methods and i was just wondering why not choose fent instead of CO or SN? If you read again you will see that I did not tell you to CTB, i was simply asking a question.

 

[LilysAngel]

Sorry if you misunderstood. I read your posts about CTB methods and i was just wondering why not choose fent instead of CO or SN? If you read again you will see that I did not tell you to CTB, i was simply asking a question.

I don't think we need to ask people questions like they. They come off very wrong.

CO sounds so much more peaceful to me, someone who has experienced both fenty and H ODs. I do not feel comfortable talking about this any further than what I have said.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

I don't think we need to ask people questions like they. They come off very wrong.

CO sounds so much more peaceful to me, someone who has experienced both fenty and H ODs. I do not feel comfortable talking about this any further than what I have said.

Sorry if I upset you, I didnt mean to do that. Wishing peace to you