Venting I relapsed... I self harmed again :/

[goodbye-to-a-world]

Just got into it with my mom again. I already knew how everything was gonna play out, down to every word, but it still hurts. I just started crying after I left the room. I had all these thoughts, all these things I couldn't say. I've been holding back and biting my tongue for so long because she can disrespect me all she wants but anything she imagines as disrespectful or when she has someone giving her energy right back to her, it's a problem.

I had a scary thought. It was fleeting and intrusive, but thinking about it felt a bit relieving and I hate that. I wanted to hit her. I'd never dream of doing that. I only fight as a very last resort. But in that moment, the thought of just fully crashing the fuck out, smashing shit and flipping tables and just attacking her felt so nice. It felt peaceful. Of course this was brief because my true self went back to being immediately horrified, but I've never had that feeling before.

More and more thoughts of things that are ultimately pointless to say came to mind and I just sobbed in silence. Common occurrence this month for some reason. I'm not normally a crier, but I've cried almost every day this month. It's been really low. And I can't even have a moment of peace on the last day of this shitty year.

The urge was so bad. My mind wouldn't stop telling me it would make me feel better. It did. I hate that it did. I feel so much better but I fucking hate myself for it. I'm such a weak loser that can't fight anymore.

I already relapsed this summer after 10 years of being clean, and it was a similar feeling then too. I already had to lie to my parents a few weeks ago as my aunt was crying while singing a gospel song at midnight because she was "scared for me". I had to lie in their tearstained faces and say I didn't feel like hurting myself anymore and that I wasn't. I don't know if they believed me but whatever. Just another way I'm a disappointment to them.

If I had a way, I wouldn't be seeing New Year's Day. I don't wanna see 2026 right now. I'm tired of this.

 

[sanctionedusage]

"anything (s)he imagines as disrespectful" hit close to home lol. i've had so many dreams of brutally murdering my dad. it's such a creepy 'relief' like you said, but your real self is always there and actively disgusted by it. maybe it has something to do with violent self harm, only the brain gets confused if you've been clean for a long while and thinks to redirect the urge to someone else if not yourself.

i love your signature

 

[goodbye-to-a-world]

maybe it has something to do with violent self harm, only the brain gets confused if you've been clean for a long while and thinks to redirect the urge to someone else if not yourself.

I think mine is more from a place of just anger becoming rage over time and having nowhere to go. When it was just anger that was one thing. I could blast some rock or super grimey dubstep or dnb or play some kind of pvp game or lock in and beat a hard level on something and be better within the hour. I kind of see rage as anger with the feeling of injustice/being done wrong, so I guess as more and more of my conflicts have been feeling like they start from a willful lack of understanding or hypocrisy, it's been slowly building up and is trying to manifest in not great ways I think I'm gonna need a more physical outlet like martial arts or "socially acceptable" destruction lol to keep this at bay, but my leg is a bit screwed atm amongst other health issues

Thanks for appreciating my signature haha