w1ngedpearl
Member
- Apr 17, 2025
- 80
Hey friends. It's been a while since my last post.
I wanted to CTB using SN but couldn't. My mom took me back to my birth city because I literally can't function alone. I don't want to work, I never had enough money and life was so miserable. When I came here, I felt extremely guilty and alone because I was just sitting in my room and felt shy to come out and do something. It slowly faded away with time. There were days when I felt happy and my mom seemed to be glad to talk to me. I visited 2 psychiatrists and was diagnosed with depression by both of them. I took the prescribed meds (honestly, I never believed it would be better, I did all that stuff only to keep the illusion that I try to fix things while in reality I just wanted to rest from stress, from work, lack of food, etc).
However, nothing good lasts too long. I completely forgot WHY I was unhappy in my house despite having a good childhood (toys, traveling, full fridge, money). My mom is emotionally numb. She doesn't care about feelings. We never talk about them in the house and I always felt alone because i didn't have anyone to help me when I felt scared or sad. Recently I started to feel out of place. She didn't talk to me when I came down the stairs to her. Yesterday I was outside for 7 hours and came back at 21.30. She didn't even tell me "hello", silently opened the door and continued talking to my brother. Ohh, right, about him. My brother is a year younger than me but he is more successful, he's smart and continues studying in university. I always felt my mom loves him more than me. Sure, she helps me too, I'm not some kind of an ungrateful brat, but she obviously favors him. She always talks to him, laughs with him and always takes his side if we had a misunderstanding. It happened today. My grandma told that my mom scolded her for telling that she (grandma) had given my brother $13000 for earning a bachelor's degree. Mom told that I upset my brother because I told him to give me a half as a joke. It was an obvious JOKE, I swear, I don't envy him at all, we were laughing. When I confronted her about it now, she instantly became angry, told me it's not her problem and I shouldn't have started it. I didn't want to be annoying, I just felt tired that I'm always the one to blame no matter what I say. I was worried because I started to feel coldness from my mom. She told me "We don't sort things out in this house, it's a rule", also she told not to curse or cry one's eyes out. I asked her when I cursed, she laughed at me and told that I just never mention it. And she told it ME but I just sit calmly in my room, while my brother plays games and curses (using literally fucking worst words) loudly every night. She always tells me some shit, mentions only the worst in me. I try to be good, calm, grateful but no one gives a fuck. Firstly she tells something behind my back, then she's angry when I worry about that because it hurts my fucking feelings. And THEN she doesn't like when I cry (I almost never cry in front of her) and tells that I upset my brother with a fucking joke! Yeah, sure, he's so fucking upset being a normal human without depression, having a bright future, being my mom's favorite one, omg. Yeah, he's upset, right. Maybe he cried every night and day? Or he seriously wanted to CTB? Maybe he couldn't fucking afford anything with his brand new PC, iPad or new clothes? Or was he officially diagnosed with depression? Oh, right, it was ME.
I asked my mom why she begged me to come here if she hates me, if I annoy her so much. She told that it matters for her. I hope it does but I don't see it. All I see is that she's been ignoring my feelings all my life and I never felt loved. Now I have big troubles with anxiety, self-esteem, relationships, managing my emotions and mood, also trust issues. I have no idea how a parent can forbid his child to cry and be good with it. I'm tired of this shit. I ordered a bag of SN here too. Maybe it will sound cruel but I wish to see their reaction if I CTB. Who's gonna fucking upset them now? No one mentions my good traits, then I guess I won't try anymore. I honestly tried my best to be good but my mom always doesn't like something.
Now I feel so pathetic and helpless. I live in her house, my mom buys food and I do nothing, I realize that I don't really have a right to be mad at her. This is one of the reasons I have a strong feeling of guilt. I wish I had enough money to leave, I like to live alone. Money is always a problem. I want to CTB but I'm not strong enough for that.
I wanted to CTB using SN but couldn't. My mom took me back to my birth city because I literally can't function alone. I don't want to work, I never had enough money and life was so miserable. When I came here, I felt extremely guilty and alone because I was just sitting in my room and felt shy to come out and do something. It slowly faded away with time. There were days when I felt happy and my mom seemed to be glad to talk to me. I visited 2 psychiatrists and was diagnosed with depression by both of them. I took the prescribed meds (honestly, I never believed it would be better, I did all that stuff only to keep the illusion that I try to fix things while in reality I just wanted to rest from stress, from work, lack of food, etc).
However, nothing good lasts too long. I completely forgot WHY I was unhappy in my house despite having a good childhood (toys, traveling, full fridge, money). My mom is emotionally numb. She doesn't care about feelings. We never talk about them in the house and I always felt alone because i didn't have anyone to help me when I felt scared or sad. Recently I started to feel out of place. She didn't talk to me when I came down the stairs to her. Yesterday I was outside for 7 hours and came back at 21.30. She didn't even tell me "hello", silently opened the door and continued talking to my brother. Ohh, right, about him. My brother is a year younger than me but he is more successful, he's smart and continues studying in university. I always felt my mom loves him more than me. Sure, she helps me too, I'm not some kind of an ungrateful brat, but she obviously favors him. She always talks to him, laughs with him and always takes his side if we had a misunderstanding. It happened today. My grandma told that my mom scolded her for telling that she (grandma) had given my brother $13000 for earning a bachelor's degree. Mom told that I upset my brother because I told him to give me a half as a joke. It was an obvious JOKE, I swear, I don't envy him at all, we were laughing. When I confronted her about it now, she instantly became angry, told me it's not her problem and I shouldn't have started it. I didn't want to be annoying, I just felt tired that I'm always the one to blame no matter what I say. I was worried because I started to feel coldness from my mom. She told me "We don't sort things out in this house, it's a rule", also she told not to curse or cry one's eyes out. I asked her when I cursed, she laughed at me and told that I just never mention it. And she told it ME but I just sit calmly in my room, while my brother plays games and curses (using literally fucking worst words) loudly every night. She always tells me some shit, mentions only the worst in me. I try to be good, calm, grateful but no one gives a fuck. Firstly she tells something behind my back, then she's angry when I worry about that because it hurts my fucking feelings. And THEN she doesn't like when I cry (I almost never cry in front of her) and tells that I upset my brother with a fucking joke! Yeah, sure, he's so fucking upset being a normal human without depression, having a bright future, being my mom's favorite one, omg. Yeah, he's upset, right. Maybe he cried every night and day? Or he seriously wanted to CTB? Maybe he couldn't fucking afford anything with his brand new PC, iPad or new clothes? Or was he officially diagnosed with depression? Oh, right, it was ME.
I asked my mom why she begged me to come here if she hates me, if I annoy her so much. She told that it matters for her. I hope it does but I don't see it. All I see is that she's been ignoring my feelings all my life and I never felt loved. Now I have big troubles with anxiety, self-esteem, relationships, managing my emotions and mood, also trust issues. I have no idea how a parent can forbid his child to cry and be good with it. I'm tired of this shit. I ordered a bag of SN here too. Maybe it will sound cruel but I wish to see their reaction if I CTB. Who's gonna fucking upset them now? No one mentions my good traits, then I guess I won't try anymore. I honestly tried my best to be good but my mom always doesn't like something.
Now I feel so pathetic and helpless. I live in her house, my mom buys food and I do nothing, I realize that I don't really have a right to be mad at her. This is one of the reasons I have a strong feeling of guilt. I wish I had enough money to leave, I like to live alone. Money is always a problem. I want to CTB but I'm not strong enough for that.
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