im VERY sure no one involved in my case is a member of this forum, so i feel free to diss and complain about them here lmao. (excuse broken english tho)
it all started with the reason im here - my mom and sister are the type of people who have strong confidence and are great leaders, so they, as my "role model", encouraged me to join my school's student council for the sake of my experience and curriculum vitae. other than the benefits, they also used to join it in their schools, so they feel like they understand a lot thus have the right to force me. i gotta say, those experiences and status helped them getting good jobs - they became such important and reliable managers.
however, my problem being is that those confident and strong leadership genes didnt seem to flow to me at all. i have absolutely low self esteem, i could never see myself as a leader, and on top of that (orrr maybe i should say the base of those) i despise talking to people. man, not to mention ruling them. i know that not everyone who participates in the stucoun candidates have a high chance of being the president or even being accepted to the organization, but my mind cant help but overthink about me being chosen.
so, obviously, i am now one of the candidates. we're still in selection phase, which is as i fully expected, one of the scariest part of this organization. the seniors. those monsters. they for sure shout at us to wreck our confidence, they set up intimidating tricks to baffle us, they just keep challenging us until we tumble down. i know this is an official part of student council, but really, which student ever likes that?
as i mentioned, yes, i did expect those to happen. this isn't my first time, actually. ive been through very similar situations back then in middle school, in one of the extracurriculars i joined. they say, past scars make you stronger. heh, it's the other way around for me. they give me traumas, man. they make me worry, not fearless.
i think i dont quite make sense so far in these paragraphs, but the conclusion of my problems is, so far the stucoun seniors have been unveiling my past traumas and they make me overthink that i would be a president of something in the future (tho there are no signs that i would really become one yet) which is exactly what im trying to avoid, so currently my head is full of regret, imagining how calm and collected i would be if i never fell for my mom and sis for filling in the stucoun form. i am all terrified like this because the position of managing people is really not what i would give my life for. (yeah forgive me for my jumbled language)
to cope with this, of course, my head is full of suicidal thoughts. but being dead for the sake of leaving the soon-to-be stucoun members list feels like a pipe dream for me now. closest i can do to avoid being accepted to the organization is making excuses to not join the next entrance tests, thus lowering the seniors' trust on me. but that too, is nothing easy to do. all i can do now is to forcibly distract my mind from overthinking, accept whatever happens, and just let time flow as it is.
not sure what i hope to get out of writing this thread, though. im just expressing what's on my mind. i just feel like im chained down, detained by my own choices, longing the relieving winds of freedom.
it all started with the reason im here - my mom and sister are the type of people who have strong confidence and are great leaders, so they, as my "role model", encouraged me to join my school's student council for the sake of my experience and curriculum vitae. other than the benefits, they also used to join it in their schools, so they feel like they understand a lot thus have the right to force me. i gotta say, those experiences and status helped them getting good jobs - they became such important and reliable managers.
however, my problem being is that those confident and strong leadership genes didnt seem to flow to me at all. i have absolutely low self esteem, i could never see myself as a leader, and on top of that (orrr maybe i should say the base of those) i despise talking to people. man, not to mention ruling them. i know that not everyone who participates in the stucoun candidates have a high chance of being the president or even being accepted to the organization, but my mind cant help but overthink about me being chosen.
so, obviously, i am now one of the candidates. we're still in selection phase, which is as i fully expected, one of the scariest part of this organization. the seniors. those monsters. they for sure shout at us to wreck our confidence, they set up intimidating tricks to baffle us, they just keep challenging us until we tumble down. i know this is an official part of student council, but really, which student ever likes that?
as i mentioned, yes, i did expect those to happen. this isn't my first time, actually. ive been through very similar situations back then in middle school, in one of the extracurriculars i joined. they say, past scars make you stronger. heh, it's the other way around for me. they give me traumas, man. they make me worry, not fearless.
i think i dont quite make sense so far in these paragraphs, but the conclusion of my problems is, so far the stucoun seniors have been unveiling my past traumas and they make me overthink that i would be a president of something in the future (tho there are no signs that i would really become one yet) which is exactly what im trying to avoid, so currently my head is full of regret, imagining how calm and collected i would be if i never fell for my mom and sis for filling in the stucoun form. i am all terrified like this because the position of managing people is really not what i would give my life for. (yeah forgive me for my jumbled language)
to cope with this, of course, my head is full of suicidal thoughts. but being dead for the sake of leaving the soon-to-be stucoun members list feels like a pipe dream for me now. closest i can do to avoid being accepted to the organization is making excuses to not join the next entrance tests, thus lowering the seniors' trust on me. but that too, is nothing easy to do. all i can do now is to forcibly distract my mind from overthinking, accept whatever happens, and just let time flow as it is.
not sure what i hope to get out of writing this thread, though. im just expressing what's on my mind. i just feel like im chained down, detained by my own choices, longing the relieving winds of freedom.
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