Help I really wanted to live :(

[FireFox]

I frequently think of death and see it as relief from all the confusion in my life.
Everyday i think of putting my arm against the oven to self harm i dont want to , i want to throw myself out of a window or i keep thinking of how much medicine i can overdose on etc.
These thoughts are like a cloud that lingers over which never goes away.

I never really wanted to die. There were loads of things i wanted to do with my life
-Go to iceland and the netherlands
- go on a eurostar train
- knit a pussy hat to protest trumps re election( i cant knit )
- vist a hippie commune
- Fight against world injustices
- get married.
- have fun
I dont want to be those boring people who work 9-5 , pay bills and look forward to the weekend and the cycle repeats itself.
Most people my age go to the pub which is boring. Pub is big thing here in the UK.
I dont know how to live . I was never taught to how to live.
Taught to pray i was but never to cope with this disappoiment.
I built my identity around being a student now it is gone . I can see myself ever finding a new normal.

I dont know want my purpose is in this world
I dont know where i belong . I dont fit in anywhere
I realise sucide is an escpase
Most attractive solution in my situation.
I never had a job at 23. I have done voluntary work throught out university but employers are not interested.
Unemployable
I am on benefits / welfare which makes me a failure .
Everything is just a mess.
I wasted my life

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I relate to you a lot. Probably doesn't help :/ , I wish I could

 

[Busdriver]

Yeah, life sucks. I can relate to many things. Life... we wanted it to be an utopia, but it appears to be a nightmarish dystopia.

Life is hard after graduating, although somehow no-one mentions it or experiences it. So many things change, as you have to look (=beg) for a job, find a partner, have a social life, house, car etc. These things seem easy to acquire for many, but for us suicidal people, it seems sometimes impossible

 

[thethatsitboy]

Why it is so easy to relate to you? IDK, but I know I do. Suicide is such a difficult decision to make when you appreciate so many things in life, but you know you won't be able to appreciate those things due to something external (society, 'system').
I hope you find your way, as I hope I find mine too!

 

[Toptock]

I'm 100% one of those boring people.

To those who can, do those things as soon as you can. I'm just looking forward for the day.

 

[Fedrea]

I frequently think of death and see it as relief from all the confusion in my life.
Everyday i think of putting my arm against the oven to self harm i dont want to , i want to throw myself out of a window or i keep thinking of how much medicine i can overdose on etc.
These thoughts are like a cloud that lingers over which never goes away.

I never really wanted to die. There were loads of things i wanted to do with my life
-Go to iceland and the netherlands
- go on a eurostar train
- knit a pussy hat to protest trumps re election( i cant knit )
- vist a hippie commune
- Fight against world injustices
- get married.
- have fun
I dont want to be those boring people who work 9-5 , pay bills and look forward to the weekend and the cycle repeats itself.
Most people my age go to the pub which is boring. Pub is big thing here in the UK.
I dont know how to live . I was never taught to how to live.
Taught to pray i was but never to cope with this disappoiment.
I built my identity around being a student now it is gone . I can see myself ever finding a new normal.

I dont know want my purpose is in this world
I dont know where i belong . I dont fit in anywhere
I realise sucide is an escpase
Most attractive solution in my situation.
I never had a job at 23. I have done voluntary work throught out university but employers are not interested.
Unemployable
I am on benefits / welfare which makes me a failure .
Everything is just a mess.
I wasted my life

In this forum I do respect peoples right to self-determination. However the fact that you are listing all these dreams, maybe the biggest part of you does not want to die. You say you are very young and on benefits, maybe when you're older and you get a job and things turn around for you you're going to feel very very different. You're going to do a lot of those things and feel amazing

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I used to want to live until I realized I'm a fucking loser lol

 

[Isadeth]

I'm sorry you feel so down with certain things. I can help with the knitting thing though! Using a loom or an odomy is super easy! They're great for passing the time. After I recovered from a few surgeries I made a shit ton of hats Haha mostly for babies for gift bags at hospitals etc. But still, super easy, didn't take long to do, and one literally does it for you :) you can cross one thing off your list of things of wanting to do, at least.

You're still very young, so I wouldn't say you wasted your life. A lot of people don't even know what they want to do or experience until much later. Now is time to make mistakes and it's still not considered a big deal, as you're still navigating. But I know the feeling of wasting time. The anxiety from that is awful.

I definitely relate to the suicidal ideation giving comfort and an escape. ♡

But yes, I hope you try out the hat suggestions if you still want to make your own! :)

 

[Sinai Silence]

I feel the same about SI, its the only thing that makes sense when nothing else does. If you are gonna sh on the oven just make sure you treat it properly afterwards if that is your preferred method its best to make it as safe as possible.

The way the working world works sucks too but even if you can find a small part time job for the meantime it might help out a lot. There's a lot of demand in retail and the public sector currently. I'm still searching for a new job since I got made redundant and am on job seekers and pip, you're not a failure. Its sad to see a country that worked decades to provide relief to the most vulnerable for those people to be constantly shamed for it.

I do hate the never ending cycle of the 9-5 regime, I saw it all too much when I worked in pubs. Its depressing to watch the same people come in everyday from open till close and drown their sorrows. Not that I blame them for it, you can find people from all walks of life in a pub and you hear a lot of stories too. I don't really enjoy drinking either and there isn't much else to do where I'm at so life is pretty boring anyways aha.

Iceland is such a beautiful country I really hope to go back sometime. Although I drove 6 hours to go see the Northern Lights and never saw them . The first opportunity you get you should totally go. I really hope you get to cross all of those things off your bucket list.

 

[endoftheroad22]

You're young! I wouldn't give up if I were you. The time after graduating from college when you're trying to find your way can be tough for anyone.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I have faith that you will find the right path and the right job for you. It can be really stressful starting out, but once you find something, it can be really positive. Starting your adult life during the age of COVID-19 is a nightmare because jobs are so scarce and the world is not "normal." I sense though, that with your extensive volunteer experience and creative spirit, you will find the right opportunity to have the life you want.

 

[unprecocious]

I used to want to live until I realized I'm a fucking loser lol

Same, ignorance is the true bliss

 

[Sun n showers]

I frequently think of death and see it as relief from all the confusion in my life.
Everyday i think of putting my arm against the oven to self harm i dont want to , i want to throw myself out of a window or i keep thinking of how much medicine i can overdose on etc.
These thoughts are like a cloud that lingers over which never goes away.

I never really wanted to die. There were loads of things i wanted to do with my life
-Go to iceland and the netherlands
- go on a eurostar train
- knit a pussy hat to protest trumps re election( i cant knit )
- vist a hippie commune
- Fight against world injustices
- get married.
- have fun
I dont want to be those boring people who work 9-5 , pay bills and look forward to the weekend and the cycle repeats itself.
Most people my age go to the pub which is boring. Pub is big thing here in the UK.
I dont know how to live . I was never taught to how to live.
Taught to pray i was but never to cope with this disappoiment.
I built my identity around being a student now it is gone . I can see myself ever finding a new normal.

I dont know want my purpose is in this world
I dont know where i belong . I dont fit in anywhere
I realise sucide is an escpase
Most attractive solution in my situation.
I never had a job at 23. I have done voluntary work throught out university but employers are not interested.
Unemployable
I am on benefits / welfare which makes me a failure .
Everything is just a mess.
I wasted my life

But how are we to exit when we feel like this, I hear you...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I wish you could find a way to go have some adventures… Why don't you work as a deckhand On a sailing yacht and travel the world…?

 

[Hollowillow]

I

I frequently think of death and see it as relief from all the confusion in my life.
Everyday i think of putting my arm against the oven to self harm i dont want to , i want to throw myself out of a window or i keep thinking of how much medicine i can overdose on etc.
These thoughts are like a cloud that lingers over which never goes away.

I never really wanted to die. There were loads of things i wanted to do with my life
-Go to iceland and the netherlands
- go on a eurostar train
- knit a pussy hat to protest trumps re election( i cant knit )
- vist a hippie commune
- Fight against world injustices
- get married.
- have fun
I dont want to be those boring people who work 9-5 , pay bills and look forward to the weekend and the cycle repeats itself.
Most people my age go to the pub which is boring. Pub is big thing here in the UK.
I dont know how to live . I was never taught to how to live.
Taught to pray i was but never to cope with this disappoiment.
I built my identity around being a student now it is gone . I can see myself ever finding a new normal.

I dont know want my purpose is in this world
I dont know where i belong . I dont fit in anywhere
I realise sucide is an escpase
Most attractive solution in my situation.
I never had a job at 23. I have done voluntary work throught out university but employers are not interested.
Unemployable
I am on benefits / welfare which makes me a failure .
Everything is just a mess.
I wasted my life

I think society wasted your potential. Mine too. I just didn't fit in their mold for worker ants, and the psycho lead... Scientists are bribed salesmen... Doctors are drug pushers. And anyone of value get crushed.