Venting I really wanted to be an Organ Donor...

[DefinitelyReady]

I really wanted to be an organ donor. That was so important to me for several reasons. I'm accepting now that it most likely is not going to happen. Even if they got my body within 5min (by firearm) I don't think they can use my body for various f**ked up Bible-Belt laws. I'm not for certain, but I think it's the truth. I've deluded myself into thinking if I took all the measures then I would be an exception to the rule(s). I won't be. I still don't have a method as 100% chosen, but I'm leaning more towards SN. I don't look forward to the pain, psychological and physical. I don't care if it's minimal and minutes of discomfort. It will burn, I will feel panicked and trapped, claustrophobic, the stomach issues, fear of it failing, fear of throwing it up, fear of waking up a day later, etc etc etc. My worst enemy is my own mind and I will be trapped with it for minutes. Plus I have GI issues so I could potentially just fuck up my body and give myself a botched poisoning. The repercussions would be even worse if I didn't succeed. Not to mention donorwise, it will destroy my body and render it worthless and I definitely won't be found in time if it were somehow still usable.

I just see no way of being a donor. So another wish squashed. Procurring a gun seems impossible and I feel so incredibly stupid for not being able to make it happen. That's my dream method.

There's no escape for me, so I come to this website as a distraction because I have none. It's pathetic. But I am pathetic so that's nothing new. Everywhere I turn for relief there's a reason, if not multiple, as to why I can't find any solace. I will find myself literally turning in a circle trying to decide where to go. Now the diazepam is barely working, and I don't think it's a build-up of tolerance towards it's effect... I think the realization of how incredibly screwed I am becomes more clear everyday; and even if you can escape a feeling, you can't escape a thought that is full of complete truth. There's no way to avoid it and I'm almost literally paralyzed by it. Every direction my eyes turn there's a reminder of pain caused by my failure. Even worse when I close my eyes. That's why my sleep is even worse than it already was because there has to be TV playing as to drown out my own thoughts.

I envy the strength people have to ctb. Because some, like me, are just truly stuck, and it's cruel. It's cruel to the people who suffer because of me.

Yet again,
A will, without a way.

 

[cowboypants]

The burning sensation is akin to acid reflux from what I've read. Although it's not like a nice feeling. It takes one out in 5-10 minutes. But I too have a fear about throwing it up. I will have antacids incase i do have the sensation coming

I've thought about donating my organs as well but I'm scared about the thought of that.

 

[Saturn_]

The fact that you basically just sit there with your deepest, darkest fears after taking SN is probably what keeps me from suicide too. It may not be intensely physically painful, but emotionally, it sounds like one of the scariest ways to go when you really think about it. That and the unpredictable nature of it -- some people don't take antiemetics and don't throw up, other people puke despite antiemetic regimens. Some feel no pain, others the opposite. I've read hundreds of SN goodbye threads and the effects are all so varied, all so uncertain. It really takes a thousand times more strength than it may seem upon first glance. At this point I don't know whether intense physical or mental agony would be worse to experience in one's final moments. How useful it'd be if people could willingly offer themselves to science and die on their own terms, as much as I wish life didn't have to be that way.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

The burning sensation is akin to acid reflux from what I've read. Although it's not like a nice feeling. It takes one out in 5-10 minutes. But I too have a fear about throwing it up. I will have antacids incase i do have the sensation coming

I've thought about donating my organs as well but I'm scared about the thought of that.

Yeah and I already have GERD and regurgitate liquids and foods daily despite having having my gallbladder removed. Never tried Mylanta and zifran didn't help one time just on car sickness. I don't really want to take anything for fear of it depleting the effectiveness of the SN. I'm thinking of taking seroquel several hours beforehand but that's about it. Not throwing up otherwise I think would have to be out of pure will. :/


What about the thought of donating scares you?

 

[cowboypants]

Yeah and I already have GERD and regurgitate liquids and foods daily despite having having my gallbladder removed. Never tried Mylanta and zifran didn't help one time just on car sickness. I don't really want to take anything for fear of it depleting the effectiveness of the SN. I'm thinking of taking seroquel several hours beforehand but that's about it. Not throwing up otherwise I think would have to be out of pure will. :/


What about the thought of donating scares you?

That sounds bad i used to have rather bad acid reflux issue. I still do when i eat in public and get anxious.

Not sure if they are based on Meto, it is superior atleast for this particular use case.

Maybe you should look at the inert gas method.

I mean docs cutting me up