Long time lurker, first time poster. Suicidal ideation since I was a kid, before I even fully grasped the concepts of death and dying. 22+ years since my first thoughts. Ever since, it's always been in my plans, at least as an ever-present "panic button" that served as a soothing reminder that I had the control to escape when necessary.
Everything came to a head over the winter months, when I found this forum and put some real research and planning into effect. Figured "night night" would be an innocuous enough process to override any lingering SI. Worked on carotid locations tirelessly, trial and error with materials, ultimately constructed my ratchet modeled after a poster who (allegedly) completed.
First tried last month. Ready. Good timing, succinct note, paperwork for anatomical donation for education and research. But as I cranked, I was looking in the mirror and I couldn't complete. Partly out of fear of failure, truly. But also surely some SI. Kept trudging. Back at it a few weeks later. Same approach, no dice.
I'm beyond fucked now so I thought today would be it for SURE. This time I laid down on the floor, no mirror bullshit. My head tilted back so I was looking at the bathroom window. Lost my nerve as it started to fade out of sight so I pulled the ratchet release. Again.
Why the fuck. Can't I. Do this. It's the only thing I've ever believed in my life, that I could do it. Can I not? Ever? I surely won't stop trying but I'm really fucked up over this and feeling more lost and trapped than I ever have before.
Everything came to a head over the winter months, when I found this forum and put some real research and planning into effect. Figured "night night" would be an innocuous enough process to override any lingering SI. Worked on carotid locations tirelessly, trial and error with materials, ultimately constructed my ratchet modeled after a poster who (allegedly) completed.
First tried last month. Ready. Good timing, succinct note, paperwork for anatomical donation for education and research. But as I cranked, I was looking in the mirror and I couldn't complete. Partly out of fear of failure, truly. But also surely some SI. Kept trudging. Back at it a few weeks later. Same approach, no dice.
I'm beyond fucked now so I thought today would be it for SURE. This time I laid down on the floor, no mirror bullshit. My head tilted back so I was looking at the bathroom window. Lost my nerve as it started to fade out of sight so I pulled the ratchet release. Again.
Why the fuck. Can't I. Do this. It's the only thing I've ever believed in my life, that I could do it. Can I not? Ever? I surely won't stop trying but I'm really fucked up over this and feeling more lost and trapped than I ever have before.
