Venting I really regret not killing myself when I was in my teens

[ClownMe]

I know this is a pretty repetitive topic on here and there's probably endless threads discussing what im about to go on about, however I just really need to vent, I have nobody who I can talk to about this kind of stuff and my depression has been getting worse and worse as of late.

As you can already tell by the title of this post, my biggest regret in life so far has been not killing myself in my teen years, in particular around age 14/15. I get all the hindsight is 20/20 stuff, however I still feel like a fucking idiot for not ending myself, I should have known better.

I remember spending basically every night after my 14th birthday crying myself to sleep and dreaming about killing myself, but of course, I always told myself that it would get better eventually, that one day my mum wouldnt be such a narcassistic bitch, that one day my dad would finally love me and stop drinking, that one day I would finally have friends, that one day I would have the strength to stand up for myself, that one day I wouldn't be bullied, that one day I would have a well paying and stable job and would be able to move out on my own, that one day I would find a girlfriend, that one day I would be happy again...

I still dont know how I believed that nonsense even for a second. My life has only managed to get progressively worse from that point onwards and it's continuing on its downward spiral.

The saddest part about it all for me, when I look back over these last few years, has been watching my dog deteriorate in front of my eyes. It's symbolic in a way, in a sense, it's a representation of my life, once hopeful, now just a shadow of its former self, waiting to die.

I remember at 14 years old when my Frankie was a young jack russell in the prime of his life, full of play and bark and now, sadly, he is an old man, who spends most of his day sleeping, the only enjoyment he seems to get from life nowadays is when we go on our daily walk. He's the only reason I'm still alive at this point and when he passes away I will be catching the bus soon after. I just wish I could have killed myself back when I was in my teens so he could have been forever young in my mind and I wouldn't have had to watch him grow old and die.

Unfortunately, I can't rewind time.

 

[Alcatraz_anthrax]

I know this is a pretty repetitive topic on here and there's probably endless threads discussing what im about to go on about, however I just really need to vent, I have nobody who I can talk to about this kind of stuff and my depression has been getting worse and worse as of late.

As you can already tell by the title of this post, my biggest regret in life so far has been not killing myself in my teen years, in particular around age 14/15. I get all the hindsight is 20/20 stuff, however I still feel like a fucking idiot for not ending myself, I should have known better.

I remember spending basically every night after my 14th birthday crying myself to sleep and dreaming about killing myself, but of course, I always told myself that it would get better eventually, that one day my mum wouldnt be such a narcassistic bitch, that one day my dad would finally love me and stop drinking, that one day I would finally have friends, that one day I would have the strength to stand up for myself, that one day I wouldn't be bullied, that one day I would have a well paying and stable job and would be able to move out on my own, that one day I would find a girlfriend, that one day I would be happy again...

I still dont know how I believed that nonsense even for a second. My life has only managed to get progressively worse from that point onwards and it's continuing on its downward spiral.

The saddest part about it all for me, when I look back over these last few years, has been watching my dog deteriorate in front of my eyes. It's symbolic in a way, in a sense, it's a representation of my life, once hopeful, now just a shadow of its former self, waiting to die.

I remember at 14 years old when my Frankie was a young jack russell in the prime of his life, full of play and bark and now, sadly, he is an old man, who spends most of his day sleeping, the only enjoyment he seems to get from life nowadays is when we go on our daily walk. He's the only reason I'm still alive at this point and when he passes away I will be catching the bus soon after. I just wish I could have killed myself back when I was in my teens so he could have been forever young in my mind and I wouldn't have had to watch him grow old and die.

Unfortunately, I can't rewind time.

I feel the same way. I am sorry to hear about your issues as well as your dog. I hope you find what you're looking for, whatever it is.

 

[Largeletters]

I'm sure most of us on here can relate. The desperation of wanting to turn back time is very difficult, and as someone who's been through it myself, I know it's very hard and I wish you weren't feeling it. I'm sorry for what you've been through and continue to go through.

 

[idkanymore365]

I know this is a pretty repetitive topic on here and there's probably endless threads discussing what im about to go on about, however I just really need to vent, I have nobody who I can talk to about this kind of stuff and my depression has been getting worse and worse as of late.

As you can already tell by the title of this post, my biggest regret in life so far has been not killing myself in my teen years, in particular around age 14/15. I get all the hindsight is 20/20 stuff, however I still feel like a fucking idiot for not ending myself, I should have known better.

I remember spending basically every night after my 14th birthday crying myself to sleep and dreaming about killing myself, but of course, I always told myself that it would get better eventually, that one day my mum wouldnt be such a narcassistic bitch, that one day my dad would finally love me and stop drinking, that one day I would finally have friends, that one day I would have the strength to stand up for myself, that one day I wouldn't be bullied, that one day I would have a well paying and stable job and would be able to move out on my own, that one day I would find a girlfriend, that one day I would be happy again...

I still dont know how I believed that nonsense even for a second. My life has only managed to get progressively worse from that point onwards and it's continuing on its downward spiral.

The saddest part about it all for me, when I look back over these last few years, has been watching my dog deteriorate in front of my eyes. It's symbolic in a way, in a sense, it's a representation of my life, once hopeful, now just a shadow of its former self, waiting to die.

I remember at 14 years old when my Frankie was a young jack russell in the prime of his life, full of play and bark and now, sadly, he is an old man, who spends most of his day sleeping, the only enjoyment he seems to get from life nowadays is when we go on our daily walk. He's the only reason I'm still alive at this point and when he passes away I will be catching the bus soon after. I just wish I could have killed myself back when I was in my teens so he could have been forever young in my mind and I wouldn't have had to watch him grow old and die.

Unfortunately, I can't rewind time.

I attempted a few times in my teens but failed because I was young and stupid. I regret my attempts not working every morning I wake up and have to live another day. I'm sorry about your dog, watching a pet deteriorate like that is really painful - at least he has had you to love and care for him over the years

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life really can be painful. I also wish I left this earth at an earlier age as it would have prevented years of suffering, things just got worse over time.

 

[imaloserbaby]

I'm so sorry things have been so hard. I often think about how I wish my only attempt (which never would have worked cause I was 12 and had no idea what I was doing) had worked.

I also really relate to how you're hanging on for your dog. I'm 34 now and the only thing that makes me glad I stuck around this long is my dog who passed away last March at 14. If I had had my ctb supplies back then I probably would have done it immediately after, the grief was so bad. I totally get what you mean about wishing you could see him as forever young, that's the absolute hardest part of loving a pet. In the end though, no matter how weak and sick he was by the time we had to make that horrible decision, I wouldn't take back those years for anything. Maybe it would have been easier for me not to see him get old, but I was his whole world. I never accomplished anything in life other than making my dog's life the best it could possibly be. He loved me more than any human could have, and as horrible as it was at the end, he was still always there for me. Even if Frankie does sleep most of the day, the fact that he still enjoys his walks shows he's still in there, that means he still loves you. So I'm not sure...as hard as it is, maybe you can take a bit of solace in that? That no matter what you do, no matter how bad humans have failed you, that dog will love you til the last second.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I am sorry you're experiencing this thought loop it is painful I relate I have regrets as well and it makes me hate myself even more

 

[Jack'sPain]

I couldn't go thru much of the post, but feel exactly about regret not dying in teenage i too wanted to, but didn't know no method then, then hope shined through, years later, now I'm fucked again,