Story I really messed up

[GoSan1]

I really messed up today, like really bad.

Since I thought that it was my mother that held me back from fully committing, I talked to her about wanting to commit suicide and somehow thought this would be an understandable thing. I mean wtf is wrong with me, what was I thinking?????
Well, it went as well as it sounds. She was crying and blaming herself for what she had done wrong and how there were people who had it worse.

I do not blame her; it's a motherly instinct that would break any parent's heart.
But I am just so desperate, I can't even think straight anymore, this damned life, what's the point if it's just suffering everywhere??
I wish we would all get our peace and wishes fulfilled.

I at least know how it feels now, to not even have one's parents on your side, so cruel, I am sorry for all who are in the same spot...

 

[bloomingsicklecell]

I'm really sorry you went through this. sometimes we're so desperate for someone to understand us and our pain, we do irrational things. that happens, and it's ok. I just hope it doesn't get worse for you because of this

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's a natural and justified reaction from her. She was forced to come to terms with the realization that your insufferable existence is due to her. If you care about her as much as she obviously cares about you, you may be able to turn this into some motivation to dig deep and find a way to outlive her - and maybe fight to find a way to be happy(ier). Just make sure she understands that the idea of "people who have it worse than you" is the most invalid argument one can throw towards someone that does not want to live.

 

[h4rdyb0uyzz2]

I hope it won't be taboo forever. There are very few people with whom we can be honest about our feelings and wishes. I'm glad to have found this community!

 

[GoSan1]

It's a natural and justified reaction from her. She was forced to come to terms with the realization that your insufferable existence is due to her. If you care about her as much as she obviously cares about you, you may be able to turn this into some motivation to dig deep and find a way to outlive her - and maybe fight to find a way to be happy(ier). Just make sure she understands that the idea of "people who have it worse than you" is the most invalid argument one can throw towards someone that does not want to live.

The thing is, I could continue living, but it would be just pure suffering, meaningless roaming and losing myself.

I'm in a void right now anyway, I honestly never had any shred of light in my life...

There is no motivation to gain, only despair.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I understand. Much easier said than done and the world seems to ge getting worse by the day. But if you're young, you may have some dormant youthful energy waiting to be unlocked. Not trying to talk you out of this, just letting you know you might have a better chance than you think. Could simply be going through some growing pains. Do you drink coffee by any chance? When I was younger, I didn't see my life really change until I started caffeinating myself to energize. Wishing you great fortune or stroke of luck.