I really hate SI

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I don't have anything really radical or original to say, but I thought I might as well write a quick post about how frustrating it is to deal with SI. For me at least, there is a sort of existential terror, more than a desire to live. Because I have what I consider a lot of positive reason that I want to CTB and also some not so great reasons to CTB (not that I feel like I should be judging anyone's reasons) and as a result, it might be expected that actually going through with it wouldn't be that hard. Like, even the guilt-tripping from loved ones, and all the positive things that do exist, those aren't what really deter me. If you're dead, you're dead, and you don't exist when you're dead so none of those things will be a concern to you because there won't be a you. It's that latter part that really fucks with me. The concept of nonexistence.

As much as I despise existence, as much as I find the good things in this world not worth all the negatives, as much as I experience tremendous emotional pain, as much as I hate myself, and all of those things. As much as I have all these things I really hate about existing and make me feel like CTB would be better both for me and for others, I am scared of non-existence. Because what does non-existence mean? Like, actually what does it mean to not exist? What is nothing? I'm not sure it's possible to actually conceptualize nothing.

Try imagining nothing. Close your eyes and imagine nothing. Guess what. You failed. You just imagined something. You probably imagined an empty void or maybe a 0, but you imagined something. There is something that you imagined. That empty void is something. It's a void that doesn't have anything in it, but that's something. So what is non-existence? You can't die and then wake up dead. You don't exist as dead, you simply don't exist. And that is very very scary to my living mind. Because there just doesn't seem to be a way to conceptualize not-existing. You won't be dead and realize you dont exist. You just wont exist. There wont be a you to do anything. And that is scary to me.

As much as I crave that non-existence, as much as I crave the ability to actually choose to CTB, as much as I crave escape, I cannot help but be terrified by that very nonexistence. It's not the prospect of dying, it's the prospect of being dead that my mind just seems unable to handle. And as I result I still exist and it fucking sucks.

Does anyone else relate to this at all? Do you find yourself scared because you can't really comprehend what it means to not exist? Or do you have other things that act as your SI?

 

[remluvr]

Yes I relate to this sooo deeply. I cannot comprehend what it means to not exist, my brain cannot seem to understand such a thing and THAT is terrifying,It's weird.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

Yes I relate to this sooo deeply. I cannot comprehend what it means to not exist, my brain cannot seem to understand such a thing and THAT is terrifying,It's weird.

it's really upsetting because I want that nothing I want to not have to consider these things, but actually having that. I can't have it. Because there'll be no me to not experience things. It's just very confusing. And annoying because it keeps me from doing things that are very obvious, very easy, and things I otherwise really want to do.

 

[remluvr]

it's really upsetting because I want that nothing I want to not have to consider these things, but actually having that. I can't have it. Because there'll be no me to not experience things. It's just very confusing. And annoying because it keeps me from doing things that are very obvious, very easy, and things I otherwise really want to do.

So true, being a human truly sucks, so confusing and weird.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I fear the process of dying much more than nonexistence, myself. I'm not overwhelmed by the idea of nonexistence, but I am overwhelmed by life and wondering what it could possibly mean. And how this suffering could ever possibly be justified by any kind of god.

 

[ForsakenShadow]

I fully relate to you, when I attempted partial last year I was filled with this irrational fear and feeling of complete isolation. Just scared of the unknown. It's odd because I never really thought or cared about what happens after death until SI started kicking in. Its such a strange feeling I can't describe it

 

[LifeIsBS]

i think it's like going to sleep, but without any dreams or brain activity, and forever. i sometimes think about it like how when i sleep and feel like waking up the next second even though several hours have passed, so whe i die, the moment i go unconscious/die, it will be the heat death of the universe haha. but knowing you will never wake up again makes the process of ctb the hardest, and si will do anything to hold on, even giving false hope to a hopeless person, or blurring/distracting from the thoughts of whats making you ctb in the first place.

i do believe what comes after death is nothing which is just like in sleeping but with you brain shut off, and i think that that nothing is not the scary part, the scary part is the end of life that our body/brain holds on to.

 

[Unknown21]

If you have ever been under anesthesia, you will understand what nothingness is and how peaceful it is.

 

[thetruetato]

I don't have anything really radical or original to say, but I thought I might as well write a quick post about how frustrating it is to deal with SI. For me at least, there is a sort of existential terror, more than a desire to live. Because I have what I consider a lot of positive reason that I want to CTB and also some not so great reasons to CTB (not that I feel like I should be judging anyone's reasons) and as a result, it might be expected that actually going through with it wouldn't be that hard. Like, even the guilt-tripping from loved ones, and all the positive things that do exist, those aren't what really deter me. If you're dead, you're dead, and you don't exist when you're dead so none of those things will be a concern to you because there won't be a you. It's that latter part that really fucks with me. The concept of nonexistence.

As much as I despise existence, as much as I find the good things in this world not worth all the negatives, as much as I experience tremendous emotional pain, as much as I hate myself, and all of those things. As much as I have all these things I really hate about existing and make me feel like CTB would be better both for me and for others, I am scared of non-existence. Because what does non-existence mean? Like, actually what does it mean to not exist? What is nothing? I'm not sure it's possible to actually conceptualize nothing.

Try imagining nothing. Close your eyes and imagine nothing. Guess what. You failed. You just imagined something. You probably imagined an empty void or maybe a 0, but you imagined something. There is something that you imagined. That empty void is something. It's a void that doesn't have anything in it, but that's something. So what is non-existence? You can't die and then wake up dead. You don't exist as dead, you simply don't exist. And that is very very scary to my living mind. Because there just doesn't seem to be a way to conceptualize not-existing. You won't be dead and realize you dont exist. You just wont exist. There wont be a you to do anything. And that is scary to me.

As much as I crave that non-existence, as much as I crave the ability to actually choose to CTB, as much as I crave escape, I cannot help but be terrified by that very nonexistence. It's not the prospect of dying, it's the prospect of being dead that my mind just seems unable to handle. And as I result I still exist and it fucking sucks.

Does anyone else relate to this at all? Do you find yourself scared because you can't really comprehend what it means to not exist? Or do you have other things that act as your SI?

It's so weird how I can think about doing something every single day but not be able to when the opportunity is right in front of me. I feel like my SI is mostly caused by pain and discomfort.

 

[L0neW0lf]

Don't need to make it that complex or paradoxical. Although religion has that answer.
But I just wanna escape from here.

I fear the process of dying much more than nonexistence, myself. I'm not overwhelmed by the idea of nonexistence, but I am overwhelmed by life and wondering what it could possibly mean. And how this suffering could ever possibly be justified by any kind of god.

Totally agree.

 

[Liamm]

Does anyone else relate to this at all? Do you find yourself scared because you can't really comprehend what it means to not exist? Or do you have other things that act as your SI?

Yes. Painfully so. This, and some carnal desire to survive poisons me. Its not to survive for myself at all but those around me. "I've touched way too many lives." And thats honestly debilitating. Because im tired of living for others. im tired of living. but i keep torturing myself with the image of my loved ones crying. So i relate heavy.

On the non existence part, I convinced myself that it wouldn't matter regardless, because I would not exist to care. And, it would be as if i had not existed from the start in 1,000 years. Im simply speeding up an inevitable truth. Though, I found a religion to help me cope with non existence, and existence for a time that works for me.

 

[peachxgirl]

I'm not a super religious person, but the quote that stuck to me that makes the thought of being gone feel a little less scary is "we are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having temporary human experiences. Working in Hospice related field and experiencing many loss of loved ones also helped ease my fears of the afterlife, seeing their calmness right after they die is an achievement I can't wait to reach. I think that while I may not exist anymore, all of my trauma, pain, mental illnesses, and the marks others left on me will no longer be there.

 

[Edpal247]

Agreed. That and some guilt. What a mess I will leave, physically and finacially.