WheresMyMind
Member
- Aug 11, 2022
- 11
After 5 years of therapy, 4 years of countless pills, 6-7 suicide attemps, 3 psyche wards hospitalization and 2 fun trips to the er I decided to stop trying. I'm honestly tired and I know for a fact that I'm a probably a mediocre person who doesn't really deserve to live. I was filled with self hatrhed since I was little, my first time thinking about suicide was at 3 years old ( "mommy, why should I live if you already have a daughter?" also my response to most people telling me that I was a cute toddler was mostly "no, ugly. Me is ugly"). I really tried to find a place in this world but at 23 years old I feel confident when I say that there's simply not, maybe I'm broken, maybe I'm just too stupid to figure it out, at the end of the day I'm miserable and that's why I made my decision.
I didn't decide a date yet, I think I will ctb between november and february, and I'm using this few months left to planning accurately because I don't really want to fail this time. I'm also spending a lot of time thinking how I can make it simple to who might care about my departure, I especially think to my psychiatrist and my psycologist. I think they will feel really bad when is goig to happned; I always shared my suicidal thoughts with them and they trust me enough so right now they don't really know that I'm palnning again. I'm basically lying to the few people who actually think that I'm not a piece of garbage and the guilt is really heavy on me. Sometimes I wish they would notince anyway, I would like to hear something that could actually give me hope, but I know it's never gonna happen and I accepted that.
I stopped taking my antidepressant and I'm indulging in my eating disorder, I don't see why trying to recover if I've already decided to die, plus this way I have a chance to be skinny again and MAYBE hate myself a little less (currently I can barily look at myself in the mirror wihtout wantint to cry or self harm).
Since I definetly decide to ctb all the pain seems more berable, it's like taking a holiday from myself, and that is actually helping me to be cool in front of other people when I have to lie about how I feel, even though I do really feel like an asshole when I plan the future with my family knowing I'm not gonna be there.
Basically I'm studyng for university, I'm workng, only my therapists know that I stopped taking pills, I cut off all my friends ( I belive they're not even sorry about that tbh) and I'm starving myself. It is miserable but somehow it is less miserable than constantly fight for nothing.
I just wish I could say somehow to my therapists that they did great and to not be sorry for me, that it's not their fault and that they actually extended my life for years. Without them I would be already dead and it would have happend with axiety and regret, now I'm at peace with my decision and it's also thank to them. They did good.
I didn't decide a date yet, I think I will ctb between november and february, and I'm using this few months left to planning accurately because I don't really want to fail this time. I'm also spending a lot of time thinking how I can make it simple to who might care about my departure, I especially think to my psychiatrist and my psycologist. I think they will feel really bad when is goig to happned; I always shared my suicidal thoughts with them and they trust me enough so right now they don't really know that I'm palnning again. I'm basically lying to the few people who actually think that I'm not a piece of garbage and the guilt is really heavy on me. Sometimes I wish they would notince anyway, I would like to hear something that could actually give me hope, but I know it's never gonna happen and I accepted that.
I stopped taking my antidepressant and I'm indulging in my eating disorder, I don't see why trying to recover if I've already decided to die, plus this way I have a chance to be skinny again and MAYBE hate myself a little less (currently I can barily look at myself in the mirror wihtout wantint to cry or self harm).
Since I definetly decide to ctb all the pain seems more berable, it's like taking a holiday from myself, and that is actually helping me to be cool in front of other people when I have to lie about how I feel, even though I do really feel like an asshole when I plan the future with my family knowing I'm not gonna be there.
Basically I'm studyng for university, I'm workng, only my therapists know that I stopped taking pills, I cut off all my friends ( I belive they're not even sorry about that tbh) and I'm starving myself. It is miserable but somehow it is less miserable than constantly fight for nothing.
I just wish I could say somehow to my therapists that they did great and to not be sorry for me, that it's not their fault and that they actually extended my life for years. Without them I would be already dead and it would have happend with axiety and regret, now I'm at peace with my decision and it's also thank to them. They did good.
