I Really, Genuinely Want to CTB.

[Jisatsu_55265181910]

For awhile, I have been wanting to kill myself. Probably throughout my entire childhood I have hated myself. Everyday I woke up, I was always miserable, I would hope that I was dead, gone, a runway or escaped to an alternative reality. But no. I keep waking up in this awful place everyday, crying myself to sleep far too many nights to count. I would self harm a lot in my younger days, as far back as going to when I was 10 years old, I really hated my life, my family, and especially myself. I have been wanting to kill myself for years now. As I've grown older, I only hate my life more and more than before, I find it harder to keep going on, things that I enjoyed as a child feel dull and meaningless. The entirety of my existence feels worthless, to be a slave wage to a company then once I've finished collecting somebody's else's riches I am to be tossed away into a retirement home to rot away for the rest of my days, if I even make it to that point in life and I am not already killed by work. This is a life that I really don't want to live, but it seems like it is the only lifestyle available to me. I already have a feeling that I am going to be another one of millions of college dropout's trapped in debt slaving to pay it all off, I really really don't want to live this lifestyle. School, college, it honestly feels like a scam to me, I really don't think I'm learning anything from going here… I know that if I put in the work, I can win at school, but I know I won't , because I'm 100% sure that I am completely retarded. I'm extremely socially anxious, and I find myself too terrified to even go in to tutoring or to ask for help , when I do, I can't even muster up comprehendible sentences to ask for help. I don't even understand what I'm learning, even though I take notes and pay attention, it just won't go to my brain, I literally can not comprehend what is happening around me. I can not remember a single thing they teach in class. I have such bad social anxiety, I can not even communicate or ask for help anymore. Whenever I was given help or attention, most of the time I felt like it was a waste, I felt so guilty for taking else somebody's place, that I do my best to avoid asking for help at all costs. When I did try and ask for help from my family in more recent days, I always get a negative reaction that feels god awful, they laugh when I mentally break down and sob in front of them, or they'll say "we'll get you help with school" but then I receive no help for my schooling, or the worst of reactions, anger, "Do you know how much Harder it is for ME* I take care of you, I do all the hard things you don't have to! Quit being lazy and figure it out yourself! You're an adult, after all.". It makes me feel like a burden, to my family and everyone around me. I always pretend that I am just "Fine" and never extend further anymore, everyone around me believes that I am doing perfectly fine right now. They all think that I am succeeding with lots of college friends and hanging out with friends, when in reality it is the opposite. I have no friends, and I don't even know what my school grades are because of how too afraid I am to even check or look at them, Because I'm 99.99% sure that the probability of my grades being bad are true. Since grades are your only worth in this world, that would make me worthless. I don't really have any good skills either, since I always have low energy and no motivation to live. I feel like a parasite to my family for making them take care of a worthless lump of nothing, such as myself. I want to kill myself before it's too late. I want to die before my family goes into debt because of me, this is why I've come out here to ask of you, to please help and assist me on giving me advice to kill myself.

I apologize for the stupid back story, but I hope you can understand my desperation for death.

Maybe it's selfish of me to want to die, but I really can't go on anymore.

I have felt trapped in this god awful life for so long, that I finally want to take a hold of things, and escape it all.

I'm tired of sitting around going along with the flow of life that I am stuck in. I am tired of Doom-Scrolling I am tired of waiting. I want to take charge and put an end to it all.


I have nothing and nobody to live for. (At least... The things I cling onto aren't really worth mentioning.)
As I've finally reached the age of 18, I want to look for real, successful suicide methods. I'm not very smart with the dark-net or web type stuff, I have attempted accessing TOR for resources but for whatever ungodly reason it won't work or load on my computer, and I'm not really tech-savy or smart enough to figure out why it won't work. I'm not the smartest person, I am extremely gullible and can probably be easy scammed out of money, if there is any help to finding real, legitimate resources, I would extremely appreciate it, though, because of how socially anxious I am, I probably won't be much good at asking for help on here either.

I Reside in America, I am 18 years old, female, my weight is 120-130 pounds, and according to my doctors;

"I am a 'Happy', 'healthy' , girl."

I hope it's not too much information and this data can help with analyzing the amount of doses of substances needed to kill myself.

Thank you.

 

[Sulyya]

Your story isn't stupid at all, I'm sorry for all the challenges you're struggling with, internal and external. I don't know the information you're looking for but I hope whatever happens you can somehow feel better.

 

[MrShino]

I understand that it must be extremely challenging to go through this and live like this. I believe, however, that you have acquired a mindset about values that are somewhat false, or at least very attached to your current life situation and what happens right now. And that is perfectly normal, most of us do that to some extent. Perhaps we must zoom out and look at things in a grander perspective. Your worth is not based upon what you are able to do right now. Your worth is based upon who you truly are as a being of love. There are endless opportunities and ways in life, getting good grades and succeeding in school is just one of them, and thankfully not the only one.

There's also these beliefs about ourselves that frame our realities. I do not know why you arrived at such conclusions about yourself, but they are merely mental beliefs that can be changed. Social anxious - well, some of those who have been most social anxious are some of the most socially capable persons later in life. Don't mistake your current state as your final, even if it is experienced as difficult now. You are not retarded. That you have problems with memory and being present in what's happening in your life is most likely just due to your mental state. When that is changed, your ability to comprehend your surroundings will also change. And even still, your cognitive abilities are not what is determining your worth.

You are still young, so much can change. You have a purpose and a meaning, and when you find that, these other things might not seem so important after all, and you might discover that you have the abilities and talents that you need to fulfill your destiny. I really hope it works out for you, one way or the other. Know that many people have problems with school, feeling abit stupid or being social anxious. It is very common. It really doesn't matter so much in the grand total. More important is it to be loving and kind, to be a person of values.

 

[itsjustm3]

I seconded what MrShino said.

Also I'm sorry that you've been deny help from your family. As for the school work I feel you, I used to feel trapped with no motivation. But I believed there's no such thing as lazy, it's just the depression had you tied down. I couldn't get the help I need so I have extreme anxiety so couldn't even attend class anymore so it either dropping out of uni or death.

If you're determined to CTB you might have do your research and see what method work best for you. There's a thread for that.
Thread 'Suicide Resource Compilation' https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly can be so tiring feeling trapped in this hellish world, so I hope that you find the freedom that you are looking for. I also despise existing here and it's very much understandable wishing to be from this futile and torturous process called life.