![Lullaby](/data/avatars/l/38/38116.jpg?1723466233)
Lullaby
🌙
- Mar 9, 2022
- 651
Just some more irritating venting. Nowhere else to turn to, and this forum is my only safe space. If you take the time to read my nonsensical thoughts, then I appreciate you, because I literally have nothing important to say. Just wallowing.
I really do feel I come back here every couple of weeks to talk about the same stuff. It's kind of embarrassing that I don't recognize 90% of the people here because there's so many new users.
I'm getting more comfortable with the thought of dying and I don't know why that's so scary to me, it's like - wow, I'm finally getting to that place of acceptance. I've been even unfazed by gore recently and that's not like me at all. I have a strong stomach, I love horror, but I usually get upset by real graphic stuff. Lately, though, nothing.
Everything just feels dull, bland…I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have no energy for anything and I'm so unhappy. I hate being alive SO much. I love my cat more than anything in this world, and he's the only reason I'm still here. Honestly, I want a mass extinction event of humans and just give the earth to the animals.
It feels I'm just living in my head 24/7…reading, listening to music, daydreaming about people, things, and places I can't have. It's jarring. I'm getting a little too obsessed with my fake world and it's kind of triggering when I remember it's not real.
I have no friends or anyone genuine I feel I can trust, I think, or at least feel i'm the worst I've ever looked.
I've been trying my best to work hard on my goals, but I keep facing constant roadblocks. God forbid I wake up and something good fucking happens - SOMETHING. It feels like everyday, every week, there's nothing but bullshit waiting. I feel miserable when I open my eyes in the morning because I'm so sad and I know nothing worthwhile will happen. The other day I caved and ordered out; spent a chunk of my money on my favorite dinner to binge on, to at least feel better for a night and someone stole it…I couldn't even get a refund for it, to make it worse. Everything feels like a joke at my expense.
Me turning 30 recently was a huge boogeyman moment, because I didn't think I'd make it this far… I also definitely thought I'd be a in a different place altogether by now. Maybe engaged, being a mom, out of my hometown, away from my family, etc.
So I decided to make a huge decision in terms of my treatment, and it's now been a month since I started ECT.
It's done fuck all, other than give me a shit ton of acne.
We even switched to bilateral placement last week after I asked, which is supposed to be more effective but cause potential severe side effects - which I honestly don't care about. Trauma resides in most of my memories, and I would gladly trade them all in for a chance to feel happy.
The ketamine they give me for my anesthesia is nice, and I'm pretty sure that's what initially gave me a boost, but it's comparable to eating an edible.
I'm really scared they're going to end up telling me they're stopping the treatments because it's not doing anything.
God, I'm sick of people telling me to be patient, that everything will eventually work out, that I need to keep trying. I feel I've been doing everything I need to do, despite how debilitating my depression is, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've really gotten to the point where I don't even care about having a peaceful exit. I just want to jump in front of a train, I'm so sick of this. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate that I was forced into this world.
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.
I really do feel I come back here every couple of weeks to talk about the same stuff. It's kind of embarrassing that I don't recognize 90% of the people here because there's so many new users.
I'm getting more comfortable with the thought of dying and I don't know why that's so scary to me, it's like - wow, I'm finally getting to that place of acceptance. I've been even unfazed by gore recently and that's not like me at all. I have a strong stomach, I love horror, but I usually get upset by real graphic stuff. Lately, though, nothing.
Everything just feels dull, bland…I'm tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. I have no energy for anything and I'm so unhappy. I hate being alive SO much. I love my cat more than anything in this world, and he's the only reason I'm still here. Honestly, I want a mass extinction event of humans and just give the earth to the animals.
It feels I'm just living in my head 24/7…reading, listening to music, daydreaming about people, things, and places I can't have. It's jarring. I'm getting a little too obsessed with my fake world and it's kind of triggering when I remember it's not real.
I have no friends or anyone genuine I feel I can trust, I think, or at least feel i'm the worst I've ever looked.
I've been trying my best to work hard on my goals, but I keep facing constant roadblocks. God forbid I wake up and something good fucking happens - SOMETHING. It feels like everyday, every week, there's nothing but bullshit waiting. I feel miserable when I open my eyes in the morning because I'm so sad and I know nothing worthwhile will happen. The other day I caved and ordered out; spent a chunk of my money on my favorite dinner to binge on, to at least feel better for a night and someone stole it…I couldn't even get a refund for it, to make it worse. Everything feels like a joke at my expense.
Me turning 30 recently was a huge boogeyman moment, because I didn't think I'd make it this far… I also definitely thought I'd be a in a different place altogether by now. Maybe engaged, being a mom, out of my hometown, away from my family, etc.
So I decided to make a huge decision in terms of my treatment, and it's now been a month since I started ECT.
It's done fuck all, other than give me a shit ton of acne.
We even switched to bilateral placement last week after I asked, which is supposed to be more effective but cause potential severe side effects - which I honestly don't care about. Trauma resides in most of my memories, and I would gladly trade them all in for a chance to feel happy.
The ketamine they give me for my anesthesia is nice, and I'm pretty sure that's what initially gave me a boost, but it's comparable to eating an edible.
I'm really scared they're going to end up telling me they're stopping the treatments because it's not doing anything.
God, I'm sick of people telling me to be patient, that everything will eventually work out, that I need to keep trying. I feel I've been doing everything I need to do, despite how debilitating my depression is, and it's gotten me nowhere. I've really gotten to the point where I don't even care about having a peaceful exit. I just want to jump in front of a train, I'm so sick of this. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate that I was forced into this world.
I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired.