Venting i really don't wanna die but im not getting better at all...

[404]

it's been almost 4 years since i started being depressed/suicidal. i really want to get better but i have no access to therapists and stuff like that

it's so tiring to experience losing friends because im very mentally unstable and gaining some because they felt bad for me and they want to help me and then losing them again because im not improving. most of them are so nice but i just wasted them all and threw them away.

i have tried to work on myself without any help but it doesn't really do anything good. i really need someone.

will this cycle really go on before i finally get therapy... im so tired of throwing away everything. if this goes on for a few more years then the only thing that will relieve my suffering once and for all is to ctb

 

[badK9wolf]

I feel you. I don't want to die so much as I want to go back in time and undo all my mistakes. I want the chances I sacrificed. I could have been so much more than this.

 

[Michael_the_ratman]

I understand how you feel very well. I'm sure that there is someone out here to listen to you, free of charge. You seem like a nice person, I'm sure people like you and care for you. It may not look like it, as you've lost friends but maybe they still think about you! There's things you can do to get better aside from therapy. There's hope, trust me (:

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Therapy isn't a cure. For anything. But it can help. You have to put the work in though, and it is hard.

I've been depressed since I was a child, I'm now 35, and I can tell you things can get better. Depression is something that perhaps may never go away fully, but it's about managing better, so learning better coping mechanisms.

There are self help things online you can look at, books you can read etc. And medication you can try

All things work differently for everyone, it's about trial and error, unless you've given up and don't want to try, that's different.

 

[danter0id]

and that's just it for me too. I've been suicidal for 20 years, mostly sparked by school and work stress, and bullying. I don't *want to die.* if I were given the means to live indefinitely without working or while only working part-time, I'd keep going. but because I have to work my ass off to keep my head above water, and I am working myself past the ability to keep going - my body and mind are breaking down - I have to end it somehow.

re the above reply, there is nothing that makes me despair more than "you can get better, you just have to put in the work." survival is already an untenable amount of work, I've been trying therapy for 20 years, and you're telling me I have to do more to satisfy you? I'm breaking down and you say I have to push myself harder? I'm not doing it, I'm killing myself instead. sorry. you've gotten all the work I have to put in

 

[danzk]

Já faz quase 4 anos que comecei a ficar deprimido/com tendências suicidas. Eu realmente quero melhorar, mas não tenho acesso a terapeutas e coisas assim

É tão cansativo perder amigos porque sou muito instável mentalmente e ganhar alguns porque eles se sentiram mal por mim e queriam me ajudar e depois perdê-los novamente porque não estou melhorando. A maioria deles é tão legal, mas eu simplesmente desperdicei todos eles e joguei fora.

Tentei trabalhar em mim mesmo sem ajuda, mas não adiantou nada. Eu realmente preciso de alguém.

esse ciclo realmente continuará antes que eu finalmente faça terapia... estou tão cansado de jogar tudo fora. se isso continuar por mais alguns anos, a única coisa que aliviará meu sofrimento de uma vez por todas é o CTB

Esse foi o texto com o qual mais me identifiquei até hoje, votos de felicidades para você, amigo.

 

[sos]

why don't u have access to a therapist?

wouldn't you be able to get help in some kind of way by simply saying "well yea im depressed"

idk how it works wherever u live but all i had to do is visit a doctor to be referred to a therapist

that's also an insurance kind of thing. insurance covers it if you're being referred by a doctor.

no referral means that you've got to cover the expenses yourself

once again idk where you live nor have i any knowledge how these things work in other countries

depression / being suicidal should ring the bells somewhere

 

[404]

why don't u have access to a therapist?

wouldn't you be able to get help in some kind of way by simply saying "well yea im depressed"

idk how it works wherever u live but all i had to do is visit a doctor to be referred to a therapist

that's also an insurance kind of thing. insurance covers it if you're being referred by a doctor.

no referral means that you've got to cover the expenses yourself

once again idk where you live nor have i any knowledge how these things work in other countries

depression / being suicidal should ring the bells somewhere

from where i live insurance only covers severe mental illnesses wherein you need to be confined in a hospital or something from what i understand. i can technically still live "normally" so im pretty sure it won't cover that

also there's no clinic in my area and i don't want to spend more money in transportation and stuff when i barely have any money for therapy. maybe i can afford only 2-3 sessions which probably isn't enough for me to get better.

 

[fleetingnight]

I understand the feeling (or my feelings are similar, at least) I'm really sorry life has been so shitty for so long. I really hope things are able to get better soon. It's unfair people have to suffer like this for no reason

 

[grungy自殺]

from where i live insurance only covers severe mental illnesses wherein you need to be confined in a hospital or something from what i understand. i can technically still live "normally" so im pretty sure it won't cover that

also there's no clinic in my area and i don't want to spend more money in transportation and stuff when i barely have any money for therapy. maybe i can afford only 2-3 sessions which probably isn't enough for me to get better.

Do you live somewhere that isn't the usa?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

This is a terrible situation when you seek help but you cannot access it. I hope you can find a solution bc it's the worst to CTB if you don't want to die. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Fuko1]

I totally agree with your thought. In my case I have also seen it dark for a long time. However, I have always tried to move forward or rather settle until you realize that life, no matter how hard you try, is a good shit.