I feel like there is no hope at all, and everyone (therapists, friends, family, rare person who hooks up with me out of pity then freaks out because they put themselves at risk for it, etc.
all these people they just try to keep me hoping so I will stay alive for their own selfish bullshit of not seeing me die.
but nobody understands.
there is no point because I can never achieve any goals and will forever live in a miserly state of suspended adolescence and isolation.
over a decade ago, my ex gf and only relationship partner in life ever ended up giving me herpes and leaving because there was no way I wasnt going to find out about her secret life of sex work to support her hidden drug habits after giving me herpes.
after that for a few years I planned on overdosing on IV cocaine and heroin in the woods so animals would eat my body while I passed out and nobody could save me. Unfortunately I never died or OD'd at all and just became addicted.
at some point 8 years ago I decided that "maybe its not the end of the world" and that I'd get clean and try again.
but this is a lie. a lie I can no longer go on living.
as I started to "try again" recently, I've resorted to trying to specifically profile girls out as specific types to make sure they'll be ok with a hookup but this is ending -- even with success because im a master profiler with extreme experience in all areas of crime and most peoples secret lifestyles because of everything thats happened -- it either puts me at risk or puts someone else at risk, and either way neither person is good for or interested in real relationships.
like I specifically profiled out a dominatrix at work as the first one. she didnt care if she didnt have it she probably hoped to bring it home to her cuck from someone. In this case I knew she was doing sex work because of my ex. who was almost the same but sorta the opposite, more into pain and marking, more submissive. more masochistic. Either way that girl expected me to be some unexperienced vanilla dude who was just a nerd so when I start calling her out she got SOOOO mad that I knew about every drug she did from her eyes and the fact she had a secret life without disclosing it to me. which I was cool with the first time out of desperation but when it continued, I have a hard rule after my Ex that YOU WILL DISCLOSE TO ME OR YOU ARE DONE. cuz next time it'll be fucking AIDs.
otherwise I target lonely single moms who tell me they are "ruined" and "betrayed" and shit.
And yes, so far this has a 100% success rate of getting me One night stands with disclosure. but shit if isnt actually an extreme low point. For one, the odds me encountering these people (frequently) is very low. even if I have magical special abilities to basically be a mind-reader. and this is very predatory even if I want to start a real relationship and have ultimately good intentions, and AM DISCLOSING TO THEM -- im being predatory to find someone I CAN disclose to, just not honest about my methods of picking them. I actually am a predator at this point I guess. its funny because dom girl thought SHE was the predator when really I walked in and was like "she'll be cool with it, gonna be the predator myself" so really I wasnt actually the prey -- i didnt need disclosure I already knew. she didnt know I knew.
you'd think this makes me feel better or some hope for a life, but it doesnt I feel worse.
the hard reality here is I am one of the most HEAVILY stigmatized people in the USA. and the world. I am cis white male, I have bipolar 2, I have herpes down there even if its dormant/asymptomatic for over a decade, and I am a recovered drug addict (who's currently considering going back on the drugs, quitting my job, and committing suicide)
I have zero belief that meds or therapy are going to help me. ive been taking meds and without the hypomania, im just in a constant state of depression. therapy isnt going to change the outcomes of scenarios, and I already have every coping skill (I mean I quit drugs and did self-work and became amazingly attractive in a span of 8 years without therapy at all).
what I need is changed outcomes and since I cant change reality or force people to accept me, there is only one way out.
for me "acceptance" IS suicide. second I accept my isolated forever life and never moving on for real I kill myself quickly and without warning to anyone around me.
ive planned this for 11 years. at first I said Id kill myself then. then I said "one more shot, THEN i go back to the drugs and kill myself" -- I mean to keep this promise over a decade later. every day is pain and suffering and Im haunted by various nightmares. some about drugs, most about the closure I never got and just being able to ask "why? why not just leave!?" to my ex. I wake up and fall asleep in extreme depression thinking about it.
and the more I pursue doing anything about it to change it, the more hopeless it seems.
I think the time for me to act on those suicidal thoughts is coming. Im not entirely ready to do it yet, but somewhere between 6 months and 2 years more of trying and I absolutely am ready to off myself. Or whenever I find out its just truly impossible and the hope is fake for real.
like yes, if the consensus outside of support groups was "there really isnt hope you're fucking screwed" I wouldnt go to work today and Id kill myself right now.
so is hope real? I think its a lie myself. I think people lie to me to keep me going.
all these people they just try to keep me hoping so I will stay alive for their own selfish bullshit of not seeing me die.
but nobody understands.
there is no point because I can never achieve any goals and will forever live in a miserly state of suspended adolescence and isolation.
over a decade ago, my ex gf and only relationship partner in life ever ended up giving me herpes and leaving because there was no way I wasnt going to find out about her secret life of sex work to support her hidden drug habits after giving me herpes.
after that for a few years I planned on overdosing on IV cocaine and heroin in the woods so animals would eat my body while I passed out and nobody could save me. Unfortunately I never died or OD'd at all and just became addicted.
at some point 8 years ago I decided that "maybe its not the end of the world" and that I'd get clean and try again.
but this is a lie. a lie I can no longer go on living.
as I started to "try again" recently, I've resorted to trying to specifically profile girls out as specific types to make sure they'll be ok with a hookup but this is ending -- even with success because im a master profiler with extreme experience in all areas of crime and most peoples secret lifestyles because of everything thats happened -- it either puts me at risk or puts someone else at risk, and either way neither person is good for or interested in real relationships.
like I specifically profiled out a dominatrix at work as the first one. she didnt care if she didnt have it she probably hoped to bring it home to her cuck from someone. In this case I knew she was doing sex work because of my ex. who was almost the same but sorta the opposite, more into pain and marking, more submissive. more masochistic. Either way that girl expected me to be some unexperienced vanilla dude who was just a nerd so when I start calling her out she got SOOOO mad that I knew about every drug she did from her eyes and the fact she had a secret life without disclosing it to me. which I was cool with the first time out of desperation but when it continued, I have a hard rule after my Ex that YOU WILL DISCLOSE TO ME OR YOU ARE DONE. cuz next time it'll be fucking AIDs.
otherwise I target lonely single moms who tell me they are "ruined" and "betrayed" and shit.
And yes, so far this has a 100% success rate of getting me One night stands with disclosure. but shit if isnt actually an extreme low point. For one, the odds me encountering these people (frequently) is very low. even if I have magical special abilities to basically be a mind-reader. and this is very predatory even if I want to start a real relationship and have ultimately good intentions, and AM DISCLOSING TO THEM -- im being predatory to find someone I CAN disclose to, just not honest about my methods of picking them. I actually am a predator at this point I guess. its funny because dom girl thought SHE was the predator when really I walked in and was like "she'll be cool with it, gonna be the predator myself" so really I wasnt actually the prey -- i didnt need disclosure I already knew. she didnt know I knew.
you'd think this makes me feel better or some hope for a life, but it doesnt I feel worse.
the hard reality here is I am one of the most HEAVILY stigmatized people in the USA. and the world. I am cis white male, I have bipolar 2, I have herpes down there even if its dormant/asymptomatic for over a decade, and I am a recovered drug addict (who's currently considering going back on the drugs, quitting my job, and committing suicide)
I have zero belief that meds or therapy are going to help me. ive been taking meds and without the hypomania, im just in a constant state of depression. therapy isnt going to change the outcomes of scenarios, and I already have every coping skill (I mean I quit drugs and did self-work and became amazingly attractive in a span of 8 years without therapy at all).
what I need is changed outcomes and since I cant change reality or force people to accept me, there is only one way out.
for me "acceptance" IS suicide. second I accept my isolated forever life and never moving on for real I kill myself quickly and without warning to anyone around me.
ive planned this for 11 years. at first I said Id kill myself then. then I said "one more shot, THEN i go back to the drugs and kill myself" -- I mean to keep this promise over a decade later. every day is pain and suffering and Im haunted by various nightmares. some about drugs, most about the closure I never got and just being able to ask "why? why not just leave!?" to my ex. I wake up and fall asleep in extreme depression thinking about it.
and the more I pursue doing anything about it to change it, the more hopeless it seems.
I think the time for me to act on those suicidal thoughts is coming. Im not entirely ready to do it yet, but somewhere between 6 months and 2 years more of trying and I absolutely am ready to off myself. Or whenever I find out its just truly impossible and the hope is fake for real.
like yes, if the consensus outside of support groups was "there really isnt hope you're fucking screwed" I wouldnt go to work today and Id kill myself right now.
so is hope real? I think its a lie myself. I think people lie to me to keep me going.
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