I realized how ready I am to die

[Done at Fifty]

I fainted and suffered from the most intense dizziness and all over sick feeling a few months ago. I went to the hospital convinced I was going to die. Except for very low blood pressure, tests have come back normal and after lying down for a few hours I was sent home with instructions to follow up with my GP. More tests came back negative. From research online I think I have MS or POTS - who knows - except for that horrible episode and on and off intense dizziness, its not disabling my day to day life so I doubt they'll look further.

From all of this, I realized how ready I am to die. I felt so horrible as this episode (or whatever it was) kept me so dizzy I couldn't walk for very long or far for days, and I thought I can accept this. On the one hand I really want a correct diagnosis. On the other hand I think wouldn't it be great if its terminal and I can stop working and stay home and die! Some people get sick and realize how much they love life, want to live, blah blah blah. I realized how easily I can accept death.

I don't believe in signs but if there is one, this may be my sign to make sure my will and everything is up to date. Perhaps - wishful thinking here - its a sign that I will die soon. Fingers crossed.

 

[Notf1xable]

I fainted and suffered from the most intense dizziness and all over sick feeling a few months ago. I went to the hospital convinced I was going to die. Except for very low blood pressure, tests have come back normal and after lying down for a few hours I was sent home with instructions to follow up with my GP. More tests came back negative. From research online I think I have MS or POTS - who knows - except for that horrible episode and on and off intense dizziness, its not disabling my day to day life so I doubt they'll look further.

From all of this, I realized how ready I am to die. I felt so horrible as this episode (or whatever it was) kept me so dizzy I couldn't walk for very long or far for days, and I thought I can accept this. On the one hand I really want a correct diagnosis. On the other hand I think wouldn't it be great if its terminal and I can stop working and stay home and die! Some people get sick and realize how much they love life, want to live, blah blah blah. I realized how easily I can accept death.

I don't believe in signs but if there is one, this may be my sign to make sure my will and everything is up to date. Perhaps - wishful thinking here - its a sign that I will die soon. Fingers crossed.

When I first started my job I had a fainting episode and ended up at the ER.
I was told I had heart issues and they were freaking out, but to me the pain wasn't that bad. They did the test to find out I wasn't having a heart attack, but I did find out I have a heart issue, but it's not serious. Part of me was hoping I was terminal as well. I thought it would show my soon to be ex husband he literally broke my heart. But he didn't care, but thinking my body would just shut down on me was like a dream. I can understand where you are coming from.

 

[SinisterKid]

I have cerebral ataxia, which means I live in a world that is constantly on the move, even when I'm not. That was the result of a severe viral infection 11 years ago. I have not worked or driven since. As I found out, dizziness can be caused by a multitude of things and its hard to nail down to one thing. Low blood pressure will do it, but what caused that to happen?

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sooo ready too. I'm so glad that feeling has come and being conflicted is over.