wiinterfrost
it only gets worse..
- Oct 8, 2023
- 116
i am a hopeless fucking case of someone who just can't give up on life. it really sucks for me.
i recently spent a few days in a place where the forest was directly accessible via the backyard and that is what i have been wishing and searching for for fucking years. the only fucking thing i'd need to stay alive is forest. anyways i was there and it was cold and there was limited hot water and i was uncomfortable and my insomnia was really bad but like i was only depressed and sad and had no energy, not full of the searing screeching pain i otherwise have to endure.
that tiny bit of respite put a virus into my head that i should hope again for yet another round, and hang on and try again and all that shit and it's trying to force me to stay alive a little longer just to see if i can find something worthwile... it sucks. it sucks because i've been doing this for like 8years now. finding a little bit of hope and latching on to people who show the slightest bit of interest and forcing myself to be satisfied with "friends" that never have time for me because the alternative is worse, and changing myself beyond recognition so they stay satisfied.
calling and writing therapists and social workers and clinics and looking for living spaces and constantly forcing myself to be more open to being whatever they need me to be "you should do this" "you should do this", and in the end not even getting scraps of help and having lost all dignity.
the path towards life requires me to give up my dignity and Not Be Myself, begging for favours and trying to find help or even just a friend to speak to. in the end it always ends in abuse, medical/systemic trauma, or being abandoned (mostly all three), and i recognise there is nothing left for me, that the logical option is that i have to end it.
it's like a fucking god putting fucking Signs in my path saying "look you will never be lucky you are leading a disgusting miserable existence that was cursed from the start because that's your punishment for your past life or whatever and you should also be cursed with this stupid Hope so you never get to die before you've suffered all the way through". the fuck is up with this fucking life??
and if i had friends or a therapist and i tried to express that me having Hope For Life and an incessant Will to Live they would not understand how this is inherantly a bad thing that is the start of the next cycle. i didn't manage to kill myself early enough. now i am bound to this next horrid cycle of holding on to hope and just "trying one last time" although it's literally been over a dozen "last times" and every time has left me a little more broken.
perhaps it is my fate to suffer so much until i actually break and have the kind of psychosis where you're not really conscious of anything anymore. i don't fucking know.
i hate this.
sorry for the rant, had to get this out.
i recently spent a few days in a place where the forest was directly accessible via the backyard and that is what i have been wishing and searching for for fucking years. the only fucking thing i'd need to stay alive is forest. anyways i was there and it was cold and there was limited hot water and i was uncomfortable and my insomnia was really bad but like i was only depressed and sad and had no energy, not full of the searing screeching pain i otherwise have to endure.
that tiny bit of respite put a virus into my head that i should hope again for yet another round, and hang on and try again and all that shit and it's trying to force me to stay alive a little longer just to see if i can find something worthwile... it sucks. it sucks because i've been doing this for like 8years now. finding a little bit of hope and latching on to people who show the slightest bit of interest and forcing myself to be satisfied with "friends" that never have time for me because the alternative is worse, and changing myself beyond recognition so they stay satisfied.
calling and writing therapists and social workers and clinics and looking for living spaces and constantly forcing myself to be more open to being whatever they need me to be "you should do this" "you should do this", and in the end not even getting scraps of help and having lost all dignity.
the path towards life requires me to give up my dignity and Not Be Myself, begging for favours and trying to find help or even just a friend to speak to. in the end it always ends in abuse, medical/systemic trauma, or being abandoned (mostly all three), and i recognise there is nothing left for me, that the logical option is that i have to end it.
it's like a fucking god putting fucking Signs in my path saying "look you will never be lucky you are leading a disgusting miserable existence that was cursed from the start because that's your punishment for your past life or whatever and you should also be cursed with this stupid Hope so you never get to die before you've suffered all the way through". the fuck is up with this fucking life??
and if i had friends or a therapist and i tried to express that me having Hope For Life and an incessant Will to Live they would not understand how this is inherantly a bad thing that is the start of the next cycle. i didn't manage to kill myself early enough. now i am bound to this next horrid cycle of holding on to hope and just "trying one last time" although it's literally been over a dozen "last times" and every time has left me a little more broken.
perhaps it is my fate to suffer so much until i actually break and have the kind of psychosis where you're not really conscious of anything anymore. i don't fucking know.
i hate this.
sorry for the rant, had to get this out.
