After I give birth and spend a bit of time with my baby, I plan on ending my life. I'm 18, I fell in love with a guy who I've been dating for a year. I got pregnant shortly into the pregnancy. Needless to say, while the relationship was so, so loving it was so toxic and abusive on both sides. I saw a part of myself come out that I never wanted to see. I've said so many hurtful things that I never thought I was possible of even wording.
It's honestly terrible but I grew up being groomed left and right for years. People who I thought were my friends weren't. I was a chronic people pleaser with no boundaries, and it ended up hurting my boyfriend a lot. A few months into the relationship, my boyfriend thought I was cheating on him while I was getting out of work. It wasn't me, and while I don't know who he saw, I had 2 co-workers that night who looked similar to me. The fact he thought I could cheat on him broke me. He was and still is my favorite person to ever exist on this earth and I could never imagine doing that. He ended up trying to leave that night and I couldn't handle it. I ended up overdosing for the first time, and I ended up on life support and then was sent to a facility for a week because I made a deal with the doctors. I was a minor at the time which made everything much more difficult. By the time I got out I begged my boyfriend to stay, and he agreed. I ended up getting pregnant about a month later.
It's been hard because he's cheated on me a couple times. It was because he was convinced I had cheated. It hurt because I could never do that to him, but I understood why he did. He was hurt. I feel so sad, because I wanted this relationship to work out so bad. He was the first guy I've ever dated, kissed, I gave him every part of me. I feel so terrible for ever hurting him at any point in the relationship. It hurts because while he's also hurt me, he's such a great lover and person in so many different ways. He was the first person to ever genuinely listen to me and my feelings. It hurts so bad, but he's the only thing that makes me feel better. After getting pregnant, I've just realized I probably won't ever be a good mother. I already love my baby so much, but if I'm this mentally ill I know it'll damage her and I can't do that to her. I'm just so damaged mentally. I don't even have friends. The one "best friend" I did have who treated me terribly I knew for 8 years and she ended up trying to send her nudes to my boyfriend. When my boyfriend showed me what she tried to do it completely broke me. I may have been a shitty partner, but I always treated her so amazingly. She's the person who saved my life the night I overdosed, and she was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant, and she still did all of that.
I'm just so tired of living. The guy I love isn't in love with me. I know he loves me, he's shown me that countless times, but he isn't in love with me. My "friends" end up betraying me, I fight a painful chronic illness and I'm so tired of being in physical pain, I feel like I look absolutely crazy to my family, and while I love my baby so much I know my mental health will negatively impact her life. My boyfriend plans on getting a paternity test after I give birth for reassurance which I understand. Once those show him it's his baby and he puts his name on the certificate I truly think I'm going to go through with everything and end my life. I'm so tired and I just don't want to do it anymore. I just really needed to vent and get this off my chest.
It's honestly terrible but I grew up being groomed left and right for years. People who I thought were my friends weren't. I was a chronic people pleaser with no boundaries, and it ended up hurting my boyfriend a lot. A few months into the relationship, my boyfriend thought I was cheating on him while I was getting out of work. It wasn't me, and while I don't know who he saw, I had 2 co-workers that night who looked similar to me. The fact he thought I could cheat on him broke me. He was and still is my favorite person to ever exist on this earth and I could never imagine doing that. He ended up trying to leave that night and I couldn't handle it. I ended up overdosing for the first time, and I ended up on life support and then was sent to a facility for a week because I made a deal with the doctors. I was a minor at the time which made everything much more difficult. By the time I got out I begged my boyfriend to stay, and he agreed. I ended up getting pregnant about a month later.
It's been hard because he's cheated on me a couple times. It was because he was convinced I had cheated. It hurt because I could never do that to him, but I understood why he did. He was hurt. I feel so sad, because I wanted this relationship to work out so bad. He was the first guy I've ever dated, kissed, I gave him every part of me. I feel so terrible for ever hurting him at any point in the relationship. It hurts because while he's also hurt me, he's such a great lover and person in so many different ways. He was the first person to ever genuinely listen to me and my feelings. It hurts so bad, but he's the only thing that makes me feel better. After getting pregnant, I've just realized I probably won't ever be a good mother. I already love my baby so much, but if I'm this mentally ill I know it'll damage her and I can't do that to her. I'm just so damaged mentally. I don't even have friends. The one "best friend" I did have who treated me terribly I knew for 8 years and she ended up trying to send her nudes to my boyfriend. When my boyfriend showed me what she tried to do it completely broke me. I may have been a shitty partner, but I always treated her so amazingly. She's the person who saved my life the night I overdosed, and she was the first person I told when I found out I was pregnant, and she still did all of that.
I'm just so tired of living. The guy I love isn't in love with me. I know he loves me, he's shown me that countless times, but he isn't in love with me. My "friends" end up betraying me, I fight a painful chronic illness and I'm so tired of being in physical pain, I feel like I look absolutely crazy to my family, and while I love my baby so much I know my mental health will negatively impact her life. My boyfriend plans on getting a paternity test after I give birth for reassurance which I understand. Once those show him it's his baby and he puts his name on the certificate I truly think I'm going to go through with everything and end my life. I'm so tired and I just don't want to do it anymore. I just really needed to vent and get this off my chest.
