I overcame suicidal ideation, and then the world played a cruel trick on me.

[deltaofvenus]

I'm not even sure how to start this. I think I just need to put my truth out here, to confess what I can't confess to the people I know. Not looking for pity, just need to vent.

I've made efforts my entire life to get better. My suicidal thoughts started around 7 or 8 years old. I hated how backwards the world is. I'm an idealist at heart, and reality ripped that to shreds and left me with pessimism. I struggled with reality up until I was around 21 years old, that's when I had a breakthrough. I changed my perceptions and realized I didn't need anyone or anything. I was finally free, and it felt damn good. I learned to accept what I cannot change about myself, and move forward with no expectations from people or life. I was content knowing life would be shit, but I was strong and persevered.

At 23 years old, I started dating my now husband. I didn't know at the time that he was an emotional manipulator and abuser. We had been dating six months, when I suddenly got a migraine that did not go away. I had migraines since the age of 17, but they happened maybe once a month. This new migraine lasted for five months, with no relief. I woke up with the migraine, went to sleep with the migraine. I quit my job and moved in with him since I couldn't work. I started having other severe health issues. I was battling the beginning of severe endometriosis, that wouldn't be diagnosed until much later. During this time, he convinced me that I was abusive, so I started seeing therapists.

When I was 21 and turned my life around, I told myself that I would never be suicidal again. I had let go of all desires, all attachments. But there was one thing I didn't know I was attached to, and that was my health. I didn't expect to become so sick that I couldn't care for myself. And it turns out, my happiness was dependent on my health, on not needing anyone to survive.

Around the age of 28, my health became so severe that I was bed-ridden for the majority of two years. I knew life had played a cruel joke on me, by allowing me to experience freedom for such a short amount of time. This is also around the time that I realized my husband had been gaslighting me for years, fucking with my mind, and using me like a slave. I accepted my reality because he was able to provide me with incredible health insurance, at no extra cost to him. I had surgery for endometriosis and appendicitis. It's been almost two years since surgery, and my pain has improved drastically. But that wasn't the end of my health issues, each year I'm diagnosed with some new disease or disorder.

Something I've noticed about all the wise philosophers of the past- they provide great insight to people who have no disabilities. Freedom is possible if you can depend on no one. This distinction needs to be made. But I've never come across any great words of wisdom for those of us that are trapped in abusive situations because we literally depend on our abusers to keep us alive. If I were to leave, I'd be homeless. The right choice for me is to stay with my abuser because it is more comfortable than living on the streets. But, there's still the freedom to die. That can't be taken from me.

My time is coming soon, and I'm 100% okay with that. If anyone has read this far and would like to offer words of support, there is something in particular I am open to getting advice for. I have made my peace with this, but I am uncertain with what to do for my pets. I have two dogs and two cats, they have kept me alive all these years. They deserve the world, and I wasn't able to give it to them. The guilt rips me open and I can't tolerate it. I need to find homes for them, but I trust no one to treat them right. My oldest cat is 14 years old and I'm afraid that no one will want him because of his age. He needs a special family to belong to. And I can't leave until I feel confident that he will be taken care of. This is the single thing preventing me from suicide right now. Well, that and I have no method at the moment.

Thanks for hearing my truth. I wish peace for you all. <3

 

[Arrow]

read everything. you've been through so much. thank you for your time, legend. we all care about u.

 

[Yahoel]

Very true and yet I've never thought about that. Thanks for the opportunity to learn, haven't had that in quite a while. I wish you best of luck in your endeavours <3.

 

[Huntfish34]

Best wishes to you, Thank you for sharing that with us. Good vibes and Prayers sent your way.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry that you have been through so much shit. It always seems like the world just loves to play cruel jokes on us, especially after our lives begin to improve and then we become suicidal again. I really don't know what you should do with the cats and dogs. The best I could think of would be to take them to a shelter that won't put them down and they could hopefully find someone to adopt them, but even then there is no guarantee.

I'm curious though, how old are the dogs and the other cat now? The oldest cat might be ready to CTB with you, so sticking around until they pass on might be worth it, but I don't know about the others. All I know for sure is how much they have helped you to survive what has happened to you so far and if you died before them, their reaction would likely be the same as yours if you lost them. It gets really complicated when you have relationships like this with other people or animals, which makes it harder to know when to leave.

I hope you can find a way to give them a happy home with someone else, so that they aren't so dependent on you for their happiness. I hope you find the peace you are looking for soon, no matter how you manage to do it.

 

[deltaofvenus]

I'm sorry that you have been through so much shit. It always seems like the world just loves to play cruel jokes on us, especially after our lives begin to improve and then we become suicidal again. I really don't know what you should do with the cats and dogs. The best I could think of would be to take them to a shelter that won't put them down and they could hopefully find someone to adopt them, but even then there is no guarantee.

I'm curious though, how old are the dogs and the other cat now? The oldest cat might be ready to CTB with you, so sticking around until they pass on might be worth it, but I don't know about the others. All I know for sure is how much they have helped you to survive what has happened to you so far and if you died before them, their reaction would likely be the same as yours if you lost them. It gets really complicated when you have relationships like this with other people or animals, which makes it harder to know when to leave.

I hope you can find a way to give them a happy home with someone else, so that they aren't so dependent on you for their happiness. I hope you find the peace you are looking for soon, no matter how you manage to do it.

Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it.

The dogs are 7 years and 6 years, and my other cat is about 9 years old. I can imagine the three of them could find good homes and have a happy life. It's interesting you brought up ctb for my oldest cat, because I've considered it myself. He is the one I feel most responsible for, I worry for the most. I'm not a religious person, and I consider myself a skeptic in regards to spiritual things. But, I believe this cat to be my soulmate, or a familiar, like the witches call them. I feel we have a psychic connection of some sort. As for him passing, I have considered taking him to the vet to be put down before I ctb myself. It would be painless and I could die knowing that he is at peace, and not in some shelter.

As for sticking around for the other pets, this is my hope, it is what I've been doing all these years. To be completely frank, even though I'm mentally 100% ready to check out, I think I have the strength to stick around a few more years for my pets. However, I am looking for my methods now, to have them on hand in case things get bad during the pandemic. I don't feel safe not having an exit during this situation, and that's my main reason for being here. I'm going to do my best to take care of my babies for as long as I can. I don't owe anyone in this world anything, but I owe my pets so much. They are like my children.

Thank you so much for reaching out, I can't say how much it means to me. <3

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If you're in the States, do you have enough of a work history that you qualify for Social Security disability, or something similar if you're in another country? At least then you wouldn't be dependent on your abuser for housing, though in the US, Medicare benefits suck, especially if you don't qualify for supplementary state benefits that offset the costs of Medicare. However with SSDI you could move to a country with cheaper housing and healthcare costs.
If you're in the States, do you have enough of a work history that you qualify for Social Security disability, or something similar if you're in another country? At least then you wouldn't be dependent on your abuser for housing, though in the US, Medicare benefits suck, especially if you don't qualify for supplementary state benefits that offset the costs of Medicare. However with SSDI you could move to a country with cheaper housing and healthcare costs.

 

[deltaofvenus]

If you're in the States, do you have enough of a work history that you qualify for Social Security disability, or something similar if you're in another country? At least then you wouldn't be dependent on your abuser for housing, though in the US, Medicare benefits suck, especially if you don't qualify for supplementary state benefits that offset the costs of Medicare. However with SSDI you could move to a country with cheaper housing and healthcare costs.
If you're in the States, do you have enough of a work history that you qualify for Social Security disability, or something similar if you're in another country? At least then you wouldn't be dependent on your abuser for housing, though in the US, Medicare benefits suck, especially if you don't qualify for supplementary state benefits that offset the costs of Medicare. However with SSDI you could move to a country with cheaper housing and healthcare costs.

Hey, thank you for your insight!

A few years ago, before I was diagnosed with more things, my therapist tried to convince me to apply for SSDI. She said that I would be rejected at least three times before being approved (if I was approved at all). She encouraged me to apply for disability because of my autism diagnosis. But, that's incredibly rare to get disability for. And autism is the reason I'm hesitant to start the process. Legal stuff gives me more anxiety than anything else and confuses the hell out of me. I'd imagine that just going through the proceedings would be enough to make me kill myself.

I wonder if I could somehow find a social worker or someone to help me through the process, but I don't even know where to start with that.

I appreciate your comment, and I will certainly keep this in mind. I don't need much in life, just food and shelter for myself and my pets. I live a simple life already, and spend money on very little. So, I can see myself being content on disability. I just don't think I qualify. I will look into this further though!

 

[Soul]

@deltaofvenus, I hope the SSDI works out for you. If you currently have good insurance could you ask a doctor to help you locate a social worker to help you with the process?

Please give some extra cuddles to your pets for me. If you can stay strong for your lovely senior cat and let him let you know when the time has come, that would feel the most fitting to me - not that my feelings have any bearing. Perhaps you know people who could either take in your other three, or help you find good homes for them. I think some shelters are willing to help with that.

I hope things go really well for you, @deltaofvenus. x

 

[deltaofvenus]

Please give some extra cuddles to your pets for me. If you can stay strong for your lovely senior cat and let him let you know when the time has come, that would feel the most fitting to me

This made me cry a bit. Thank you for the thoughtful message Soul! I will certainly give them all a big hug for you. And thank you for the advice, I will reach out to my doctor about getting help. <3

 

[tothemoon]

I'm not even sure how to start this. I think I just need to put my truth out here, to confess what I can't confess to the people I know. Not looking for pity, just need to vent.

I've made efforts my entire life to get better. My suicidal thoughts started around 7 or 8 years old. I hated how backwards the world is. I'm an idealist at heart, and reality ripped that to shreds and left me with pessimism. I struggled with reality up until I was around 21 years old, that's when I had a breakthrough. I changed my perceptions and realized I didn't need anyone or anything. I was finally free, and it felt damn good. I learned to accept what I cannot change about myself, and move forward with no expectations from people or life. I was content knowing life would be shit, but I was strong and persevered.

At 23 years old, I started dating my now husband. I didn't know at the time that he was an emotional manipulator and abuser. We had been dating six months, when I suddenly got a migraine that did not go away. I had migraines since the age of 17, but they happened maybe once a month. This new migraine lasted for five months, with no relief. I woke up with the migraine, went to sleep with the migraine. I quit my job and moved in with him since I couldn't work. I started having other severe health issues. I was battling the beginning of severe endometriosis, that wouldn't be diagnosed until much later. During this time, he convinced me that I was abusive, so I started seeing therapists.

When I was 21 and turned my life around, I told myself that I would never be suicidal again. I had let go of all desires, all attachments. But there was one thing I didn't know I was attached to, and that was my health. I didn't expect to become so sick that I couldn't care for myself. And it turns out, my happiness was dependent on my health, on not needing anyone to survive.

Around the age of 28, my health became so severe that I was bed-ridden for the majority of two years. I knew life had played a cruel joke on me, by allowing me to experience freedom for such a short amount of time. This is also around the time that I realized my husband had been gaslighting me for years, fucking with my mind, and using me like a slave. I accepted my reality because he was able to provide me with incredible health insurance, at no extra cost to him. I had surgery for endometriosis and appendicitis. It's been almost two years since surgery, and my pain has improved drastically. But that wasn't the end of my health issues, each year I'm diagnosed with some new disease or disorder.

Something I've noticed about all the wise philosophers of the past- they provide great insight to people who have no disabilities. Freedom is possible if you can depend on no one. This distinction needs to be made. But I've never come across any great words of wisdom for those of us that are trapped in abusive situations because we literally depend on our abusers to keep us alive. If I were to leave, I'd be homeless. The right choice for me is to stay with my abuser because it is more comfortable than living on the streets. But, there's still the freedom to die. That can't be taken from me.

My time is coming soon, and I'm 100% okay with that. If anyone has read this far and would like to offer words of support, there is something in particular I am open to getting advice for. I have made my peace with this, but I am uncertain with what to do for my pets. I have two dogs and two cats, they have kept me alive all these years. They deserve the world, and I wasn't able to give it to them. The guilt rips me open and I can't tolerate it. I need to find homes for them, but I trust no one to treat them right. My oldest cat is 14 years old and I'm afraid that no one will want him because of his age. He needs a special family to belong to. And I can't leave until I feel confident that he will be taken care of. This is the single thing preventing me from suicide right now. Well, that and I have no method at the moment.

Thanks for hearing my truth. I wish peace for you all. <3

Neil degrasse Tyson gave this wonderful explanation on miracles. "If a thousand people flip a coin, and those with heads, have to sit down, at the end one person will have flipped tails ten times. The media will focus on him, and he'll be the one to write the motivational book, all while we ignore the 999". It's true, life destroys a lot of people. Simply be sheer chance. But we don't hear those stories. Only the ones who climbed everest, never the countless others who died trying to. You're not alone, and absolutely none of this is your fault. In the end, none of us are to blame. We just simply flipped heads. In another world maybe that five month migraine would've never happened. And none of it was your fault. Maybe the fumes of some random car on some random street caused something in your brain to change and...voila, a 5 month migraine. Maybe in another world that chemical would've caused your migraines to stop completely.

 

[deltaofvenus]

Neil degrasse Tyson gave this wonderful explanation on miracles. "If a thousand people flip a coin, and those with heads, have to sit down, at the end one person will have flipped tails ten times. The media will focus on him, and he'll be the one to write the motivational book, all while we ignore the 999". It's true, life destroys a lot of people. Simply be sheer chance. But we don't hear those stories. Only the ones who climbed everest, never the countless others who died trying to. You're not alone, and absolutely none of this is your fault. In the end, none of us are to blame. We just simply flipped heads. In another world maybe that five month migraine would've never happened. And none of it was your fault. Maybe the fumes of some random car on some random street caused something in your brain to change and...voila, a 5 month migraine. Maybe in another world that chemical would've caused your migraines to stop completely.

Beautifully said, thank you Tothemoon. This is relevant too, because up until a few years ago, I thought I somehow deserved what happened to me. The fact that things have been random and I've had bad luck does help a bit. I can forgive myself that way, at least. <3

 

[tothemoon]

Beautifully said, thank you Tothemoon. This is relevant too, because up until a few years ago, I thought I somehow deserved what happened to me. The fact that things have been random and I've had bad luck does help a bit. I can forgive myself that way, at least. <3

Interesting. Most people people they deserve good things but bad things were bad luck. I'm of the opinion no one deserves to be a millionaire, and no one deserves to die from cancer...but both happen everyday. Yeah, I certainly hope you don't hold any guilt. I wish there was a pill you could take to be more sociapthic. haha. Like, they rarely feel guilt. And us poor saps feel guilt over everything. Freud said that the difference between sadness and depression was guilt.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I am so sorry about everything that you went through.
If you read my main threads and some posts you will see that I am in a very similar situation, only that I could leave and move countries, back to my parents...
I hope and pray that everything goes well for you.