ashfall
Member
- Jan 1, 2022
- 47
I opened up to my mum about being suicidal. She knew that I generally struggled with depression and have intrusive thoughts but not everything. I explained for the first time that I don't just think about dying all the time - I actually want and plan to die. I don't know what reaction I was expecting, maybe she'd freak out and threaten to put me in a psych ward again or, a tiny really tiny stupidly optimistic part of me hoped even if she didn't agree with me she'd support me anyway. Give me some closure before I ctb you know? Well, instead she just flat out didn't believe me. She said I was just being dramatic and basically just saying it for attention. Then she told me to go meditate.
I'm kind of heartbroken. I didn't think she would fully understand but I thought she would at least believe me. Honestly, it's more than that though. Part of the reason I'm being more and more honest with my parents is that I don't want it to feel like it came out of nowhere when I ctb. Slowly adjust them to the idea you know? I want to make them understand before I die that it's not their fault and there is literally nothing they could have done about it. The problem isn't them or the world - it's the way my brain works. On one hand, I'm sad because one of the only people I trust just completely dismissed everything I said and feel, but on the other hand I'm worried that when I'm gone Mum will look back on the conversation and blame herself for not believing me. It's the kind of thing she does. I don't know what I was really hoping to achieve - the conversation was an impulsive decision after a panic attack - but blaming herself is the last thing I want. I want to make my death as easy and untraumatic as possible for her.
It's a stupid fantasy but part of me can't help but hope I just need to find the right words to explain and then she'll understand I need to die and it's no one's fault. And she'll miss me fondly in a "she's in a better place" kind of way. I know that will never happen but any advice on how I can damage control this conversation? I may be overthinking it and I should just stop worrying about it and hope she'll forget it but I'm also scared I majorly fucked up.
I'm kind of heartbroken. I didn't think she would fully understand but I thought she would at least believe me. Honestly, it's more than that though. Part of the reason I'm being more and more honest with my parents is that I don't want it to feel like it came out of nowhere when I ctb. Slowly adjust them to the idea you know? I want to make them understand before I die that it's not their fault and there is literally nothing they could have done about it. The problem isn't them or the world - it's the way my brain works. On one hand, I'm sad because one of the only people I trust just completely dismissed everything I said and feel, but on the other hand I'm worried that when I'm gone Mum will look back on the conversation and blame herself for not believing me. It's the kind of thing she does. I don't know what I was really hoping to achieve - the conversation was an impulsive decision after a panic attack - but blaming herself is the last thing I want. I want to make my death as easy and untraumatic as possible for her.
It's a stupid fantasy but part of me can't help but hope I just need to find the right words to explain and then she'll understand I need to die and it's no one's fault. And she'll miss me fondly in a "she's in a better place" kind of way. I know that will never happen but any advice on how I can damage control this conversation? I may be overthinking it and I should just stop worrying about it and hope she'll forget it but I'm also scared I majorly fucked up.