i only need the courage now

[irie]

it has been a while since i've been here! between the months i was active and kind of just forgot i could use this site, i was lucky enough to find access to a method.
all i really need now is a push honestly. the summer months have been nothing short of unbearable. i'm barely even able to take care of myself, i'm sleeping through entire days, i can barely eat, so on. i don't know how i'm still alive to even suffer like this to begin with. no matter how close i get, how far i get pushed, i don't even feel up to doing anything about it, or changing things. help is out of the question, since i was fucked over by the system (though i don't really feel like delving into how, or why, but i've been at least trying to get help for over a year now). i woke up this morning and all i could even think about was ctbing, but i didn't even feel like getting up to do it, so if anything happens it'd have to be tonight (but knowing me, i'll probably keep procrastinating).
living like this is fucking unbearable. i'd liken it to being that of a walking corpse at this point; it hardly even feels real nowadays. weeks will pass by and i won't remember half of what even happens, or understand how so much time has passed. i really, really want out. i'm supposed to be applying for jobs, but it's hard to even find the will to do it when i have myself convinced i'm just going to ctb anyway, and that there's no point in trying to live, because this cycle feels impossible to break.
i feel terrible for everyone i'm close with, seeing as they also have to deal with this and it's not just my responsibility. i'd really rather suffer alone but i'm really not given room to do so.
anyway, i'm at a loss. the moment something terrible happens, i'm probably gone, but until then, what do i do?

 

[020x]

A cycle is called cycle for a reason, you can't break it. You either move on and accept the way it is and run around the same circle hoping to see a difference in it, or, lose the illusion and just stop running, which unfortunately, this life sometimes offers as the only option. I'm sorry you're going through this, this is not our fault. We didn't choose to live in a world with unlimited potential of pain and suffering where we have zero control over. Life is cruel for doing this to us. We didn't deserve to be tortured everyday.

 

[irie]

A cycle is called cycle for a reason, you can't break it. You either move on and accept the way it is and run around the same circle hoping to see a difference in it, or, lose the illusion and just stop running, which unfortunately, this life sometimes offers as the only option. I'm sorry you're going through this, this is not our fault. We didn't choose to live in a world with unlimited potential of pain and suffering where we have zero control over. Life is cruel for doing this to us. We didn't deserve to be tortured everyday.

yeah, you're honestly very right about that. life is fucking cruel, all of us here deserve/deserved better and i wish things were different. thank you for the words :)

 

[Strawberries]

I unfortunately can't give you any tips, but I really, really feel for you as I'm in the exact same situation. Nothing but suffering for over 10 years that has gotten absolutely unbearable over the last few years. Can't take care of myself at all, can't eat properly,etc. Wanna sleep all the time (deep sleep w/o dreams and unconsciousness are my absolute favorite states because there's none of my symptoms, no suffering, no thoughts) and I would love to be in that state forever but still can't bypass the SI although I have multiple very safe and very, very soft methods at my disposal. I feel so trapped it's horrible. Absolutely no will to live anymore (except a little bit for my family but I still want this hell on earth every single day for me to finally end so badly) but somehow stuck and unable to do anything about it although I could at every moment I choose. It's pure hell. I feel you so much and I'm so sorry

 

[irie]

I unfortunately can't give you any tips, but I really, really feel for you as I'm in the exact same situation. Nothing but suffering for over 10 years that has gotten absolutely unbearable over the last few years. Can't take care of myself at all, can't eat properly,etc. Wanna sleep all the time (deep sleep w/o dreams and unconsciousness are my absolute favorite states because there's none of my symptoms, no suffering, no thoughts) and I would love to be in that state forever but still can't bypass the SI although I have multiple very safe and very, very soft methods at my disposal. I feel so trapped it's horrible. Absolutely no will to live anymore (except a little bit for my family but I still want this hell on earth every single day for me to finally end so badly) but somehow stuck and unable to do anything about it although I could at every moment I choose. It's pure hell. I feel you so much and I'm so sorry

firstly, thank you for the words. i absolutely know what it's like, suffering for that long (it has been 7 years for me), it really is hell. sleep is also one of my favorite states, honestly, i feel that, it's unfortunate how inescapable the SI ends up being. i really hope something works out for you, i know just how horrible it is, thank you again for your reply

 

[illAF]

I don't even have the energy to write a proper answer but I really really feel you... Trapped into a death circle without being able to stop it (by death). It's just pure hell..

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it really can be so torturous and tiring feeling trapped here but anyway best wishes, I wish that it's easier to permanently escape from all the suffering that existing brings.

 

[irie]

I do understand that it really can be so torturous and tiring feeling trapped here but anyway best wishes, I wish that it's easier to permanently escape from all the suffering that existing brings.

thank you for the words , it truly is exhausting. i honestly hope it will be sooner than later