BitterlyAlive
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- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,635
My relationships, memories, other people. It's probably a crazy defense mechanism, but... Everything just feels so surreal, almost fake.
I feel like I'm simply existing in a world of NPCs. I smile at a lot of things people do, like last week when I was stopped at a traffic light. There was a guy in a vehicle in front of me, and I guess he looked over and recognized the person in the lane beside us. He rolled down his window and they started talking and laughing. I smiled because he radiated joy. Today I saw an older man wheeling his cart across the parking lot; suddenly he ran and then jumped on the kart, pushing it like a scooter. It was cute. I smiled at that, too. I react when other people are also upset, like at my job. Yet I feel detached. I'm not really feeling much of anything, despite reacting. Logically I know these are real people, I can talk the talk. Yet they feel fake? Hard to explain. It doesn't make sense because, as you guys know, I worry a lot about people judging me, I worry excessively about hurting people. I feel like people are talking about me behind my back, laughing. There's a dissonance. How can these perspectives and feelings coexist when they seem to contradict? How can I have attachment issues with people, admire them a bit too much?
I also feel distant and detached from friends, family. No matter how intimate I get with people, no matter what experiences we share, my friendships feel fake and I feel isolated. It's like I'm in a bubble. I don't feel like I really know anyone, like they're strangers.
I also just feel detached from myself. My memories don't feel real. They didn't happen to me. It's almost like I don't really exist either. Yet I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself and disgusted with myself. But then I find myself looking at pictures of me, look in the mirror, and feel like I'm not the person that I see. Obviously it's me. But I feel fake, too.
I guess my brain is like "this is too much pain to bear, so let's check out a bit"
I feel like I'm simply existing in a world of NPCs. I smile at a lot of things people do, like last week when I was stopped at a traffic light. There was a guy in a vehicle in front of me, and I guess he looked over and recognized the person in the lane beside us. He rolled down his window and they started talking and laughing. I smiled because he radiated joy. Today I saw an older man wheeling his cart across the parking lot; suddenly he ran and then jumped on the kart, pushing it like a scooter. It was cute. I smiled at that, too. I react when other people are also upset, like at my job. Yet I feel detached. I'm not really feeling much of anything, despite reacting. Logically I know these are real people, I can talk the talk. Yet they feel fake? Hard to explain. It doesn't make sense because, as you guys know, I worry a lot about people judging me, I worry excessively about hurting people. I feel like people are talking about me behind my back, laughing. There's a dissonance. How can these perspectives and feelings coexist when they seem to contradict? How can I have attachment issues with people, admire them a bit too much?
I also feel distant and detached from friends, family. No matter how intimate I get with people, no matter what experiences we share, my friendships feel fake and I feel isolated. It's like I'm in a bubble. I don't feel like I really know anyone, like they're strangers.
I also just feel detached from myself. My memories don't feel real. They didn't happen to me. It's almost like I don't really exist either. Yet I hate myself, I'm ashamed of myself and disgusted with myself. But then I find myself looking at pictures of me, look in the mirror, and feel like I'm not the person that I see. Obviously it's me. But I feel fake, too.
I guess my brain is like "this is too much pain to bear, so let's check out a bit"
