I am scared to be ignorant like my dad. And I think in some instances I am pretty ignorant.
In my self-help group I asked the former organizer something about borderline people. He had a BPD gf. And I wanted to know some things. I was friends with a borderline woman and I was a little bit scared the friendship could become toxic. I was pretty close to a BPD female before which escalated. And he said in a rather subtle way that my questions were quite offensive. I was pretty scared about that and I apologized. He was pretty smart, smarter than me.
Then this quantum physics professor. He considered me an intellectual grifter. And this is damn true. He could not name one positive thing about me. However, I never told him the truth about my suicidality. He thought my fears were delusional and I would be pissed at him for pointing that out. But I could not tell him the truth. That actually my therapist gave me up and one of my core reasons for suicidality is poverty. I knew I was in a clinic and saying that would be inapproriate towards another patient. This is something I never understood about him. He was by far the smartest person I ever talked to but how could he assume another patient could tell him the actual truth why he has to commit suicide? In some ways that's pretty stupid. I had to let him believe my fears were irrational and only existed in my head.
I think I define myself way too much over intelligence. And that's a nasty trait. I am not that smart. But I am smart enough to realize that I am horrible. I read so much about politics but I will always remain a grifter.
In psychosis patients there is the problem they think there was the actual truth. And this actual truth is usually a delusion. For example a religious one, or something like we live in a simulation.
Here comes the problem what if the delusion is sort of the reality? How can one differentiate between the delusional truth and the actual truth. Sometimes the way people think about these issues is distorted. Some schizophrenics might think they were genuises in quantum physics but they only have a very simplified/false understanding of it. How to falsify religlious delusions?
That's more difficult. One could probably point out that the religious beliefs differ between people who experience psychosis from people without psychosis who believe in God.
In my case I was extremely determined that I will kill myself. And well my therapists gave me up. They had to make the case that this won't happen. And instead they rather reinforced my determinism about my future. Now comes the question what weighs more. Factual arguments why it might end with suicide. Or that I have a bias that makes me believe suicide is inevitable? And maybe my thinking is just skewed. The thing is I think my therapists are morons. I tend to believe the quantum physics professor that said future is unpredictable. A lot of times things happened which my therapists considered impossible. And I have a better life quality without this extreme hopelessness. I read some things about futurology. And they recommend to think in scenarios. And also to prepare for seemingly impossible scenarios. One key fundation is don't be passive when it comes to the future. Try to contribute creating it. I thought about that lesson and concluded this means I need to go to college and give my best. But this totally backfired and almost drove me to commit suicide. Now I gave up college and feel so much better. It is like rolling the dice. One goal is to find a significant other. And socializing is important for that. It is a gamble now. But for the moment I feel way better.
To come back to the original thought of this thread. I have the feeling I need to hate myself about certain traits before other people can hate me for that. But this logic is also skewed because really smart people would not judge me this hard considering how much traumatas I went through. I wonder whether actually loving myself would be the smartest solution. Currently, I rather think hating myself for my obvious flaws was the smartest way to go. I am conflicted. Maybe I could accept in therapy my flaws more if I reminded myself that I am who I am. And there are way worse people out there.
In my self-help group I asked the former organizer something about borderline people. He had a BPD gf. And I wanted to know some things. I was friends with a borderline woman and I was a little bit scared the friendship could become toxic. I was pretty close to a BPD female before which escalated. And he said in a rather subtle way that my questions were quite offensive. I was pretty scared about that and I apologized. He was pretty smart, smarter than me.
Then this quantum physics professor. He considered me an intellectual grifter. And this is damn true. He could not name one positive thing about me. However, I never told him the truth about my suicidality. He thought my fears were delusional and I would be pissed at him for pointing that out. But I could not tell him the truth. That actually my therapist gave me up and one of my core reasons for suicidality is poverty. I knew I was in a clinic and saying that would be inapproriate towards another patient. This is something I never understood about him. He was by far the smartest person I ever talked to but how could he assume another patient could tell him the actual truth why he has to commit suicide? In some ways that's pretty stupid. I had to let him believe my fears were irrational and only existed in my head.
I think I define myself way too much over intelligence. And that's a nasty trait. I am not that smart. But I am smart enough to realize that I am horrible. I read so much about politics but I will always remain a grifter.
In psychosis patients there is the problem they think there was the actual truth. And this actual truth is usually a delusion. For example a religious one, or something like we live in a simulation.
Here comes the problem what if the delusion is sort of the reality? How can one differentiate between the delusional truth and the actual truth. Sometimes the way people think about these issues is distorted. Some schizophrenics might think they were genuises in quantum physics but they only have a very simplified/false understanding of it. How to falsify religlious delusions?
That's more difficult. One could probably point out that the religious beliefs differ between people who experience psychosis from people without psychosis who believe in God.
In my case I was extremely determined that I will kill myself. And well my therapists gave me up. They had to make the case that this won't happen. And instead they rather reinforced my determinism about my future. Now comes the question what weighs more. Factual arguments why it might end with suicide. Or that I have a bias that makes me believe suicide is inevitable? And maybe my thinking is just skewed. The thing is I think my therapists are morons. I tend to believe the quantum physics professor that said future is unpredictable. A lot of times things happened which my therapists considered impossible. And I have a better life quality without this extreme hopelessness. I read some things about futurology. And they recommend to think in scenarios. And also to prepare for seemingly impossible scenarios. One key fundation is don't be passive when it comes to the future. Try to contribute creating it. I thought about that lesson and concluded this means I need to go to college and give my best. But this totally backfired and almost drove me to commit suicide. Now I gave up college and feel so much better. It is like rolling the dice. One goal is to find a significant other. And socializing is important for that. It is a gamble now. But for the moment I feel way better.
To come back to the original thought of this thread. I have the feeling I need to hate myself about certain traits before other people can hate me for that. But this logic is also skewed because really smart people would not judge me this hard considering how much traumatas I went through. I wonder whether actually loving myself would be the smartest solution. Currently, I rather think hating myself for my obvious flaws was the smartest way to go. I am conflicted. Maybe I could accept in therapy my flaws more if I reminded myself that I am who I am. And there are way worse people out there.
