Venting I next year I'll be ready to ctb but I feel guilty leaving my mom...how do I deal with the guilt?

[Darkdreamer001]

I thought I could fight another 10+ years but I can't take it anymore. I'm surrounded by too much hatred and tension everyday. If feels like no matter where I go the darkness follows as if I'm not welcomed on the planet. I've tried to make the best out of it, but nothing seems to work. I feel bad about leaving my mom she tried to raise me by herself. I'm now 30yrs old and I know one day my mom will get so old and will need me. I want to be there for her but everyday is painful...I wished I was never born. How do I get over the guilt and end the pain of living.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

I thought I could fight another 10+ years but I can't take it anymore. I'm surrounded by too much hatred and tension everyday. If feels like no matter where I go the darkness follows as if I'm not welcomed on the planet. I've tried to make the best out of it, but nothing seems to work. I feel bad about leaving my mom she tried to raise me by herself. I'm now 30yrs old and I know one day my mom will get so old and will need me. I want to be there for her but everyday is painful...I wished I was never born. How do I get over the guilt and end the pain of living.

You either do or you don't. Been suicidal since I was 8. So 13 years now. I'm never ok with leaving my mama but I've gotten over the crushing guilt and do feel ready to leave
Other people are gonna say "you never asked for this life so why should you feel guilty for taking it" or something along those lines but at the end of the day, no one will be able to help you. Words are just words and your feelings are understandable. All I can say is for me. It just happened. Nothing triggered it. Nothing happened. Just woke up and realized I could leave her behind. It still breaks me in half and I cried so hard I had to stop in the middle of her note but i can do it

 

[Fragile]

i feel you this guilt is also eating me away but in the end, there are just 2 options, you live and stay with her for decades while suffering or you end it all and free yourself from what's making your existence unbearable. there is no other way.

i don't know if this helps but the only thing that keeps the guilt away is the fact that after i'm dead there won't be any guilt. besides, thousands of tragedies occur daily, when you put it in perspective this is just a part of life for millions of people.

so is either a lifetime of unbearable suffering for me or a few years of grief for my family , it may sound selfish but in the end they are also selfish for feeling entitled to my life, even if it requires me to suffer through years of mental and physical illnesses.

 

[Darkdreamer001]

Thanks for the replies, I feel like for me it's the right thing to do. Because all this physical and emotional pain isn't good for anybody. I feel like my mom would rather have me here in pain than to not have me here at all. I appreciate her wanting me and I do feel selfish for leaving, but I can't take the haters at work, family doesn't want nothing to do with me, and only 2 friends that stay busy with their kids all the time...I just feel like I don't fit in this world and the people hate me for it...sorry for the rambling. I'm tired of feeling lonely-no positive support.

 

[DyslexicForeigner]

Feel guilty for my parents too, but I already can't stand the physical and mental pain anymore. I have to do it soon, don't care how they would feel anymore!

 

[eternalflame]

I wish i knew. DO you have good relationship with your mom?