-nobodyknows-
Arcanist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 445
It's so funny. All I want is a reason to stay. But no matter how hard I have tried, I always end up back on the edge. Everything is crumbling and falling away. My hopes, my strength, my willpower. It will all be gone soon.
I am staring outside at the beautiful blue sky. The clouds are slowly drifting by. It is a sign that the world is marching on. I am so inconsequential to the grand scheme of things. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.
When my despair comes, I can feel it physically. It's an odd feeling. It's kind of like how your muscles ache after a hard workout, but it is different somehow. I feel it snake through my body. It's not a good feeling. It's like there is something grabbing me, and trying to pull me away from this world.
Why does this world reject me so? Everything I have done has been an attempt to find a place for myself here. But I am still completely and utterly alone. Will I ever find a way to stay? I am desperately trying to, I truly am. And yet I am still being pulled in deeper and deeper into darkness.
But you know, it's okay. I've done all I can to try. So perhaps the time has finally come to give in. Maybe I really am not meant to remain here. It makes me sad, but I understand. I've become too distorted to remain in such a place.
When I do finally go, how will others feel? Will they hate me for distorting their lives? Will they be able to understand that I could not continue? Will they be able to forgive me?
I suppose none of that really matters in the end. If that is where I am meant to be, then who am I to resist such a fate? If that is to be my end, then I will accept it with open arms.
Still, I cannot help but hope that something will change. But the time for that to occur is growing smaller. And I think that I am too far gone now to be able to actively pursue such changes. I simply do not have the strength to do so anymore. So instead, I will watch and wait, keeping a silent vigil in the hopes that something will happen, that someone will see, and decide to stand by me. It is a selfish wish, especially considering that if someone were to get involved with me it would likely be an enormous emotional burden dealing with someone like me who has felt the pull of death for over a decade.
And yet, I keep resisting. Keep fighting. Keep trying to find some sort of light to guide me out of the shadows. I don't know why. I know it's pointless, and that I will likely die soon anyway. But I desperately want to escape this fate. I don't want it. I want to feel the warmth of the sun, as it tears the cold hands of despair off of me.
And even if I never do, even if I am buried by the blizzard that rages within me, I hope others understand that I always sought the light. I never wanted to hurt any of them. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just don't have a way out.
So if such a fate befalls me, please try to understand that I never wanted it.
I am staring outside at the beautiful blue sky. The clouds are slowly drifting by. It is a sign that the world is marching on. I am so inconsequential to the grand scheme of things. And, I wouldn't have it any other way.
When my despair comes, I can feel it physically. It's an odd feeling. It's kind of like how your muscles ache after a hard workout, but it is different somehow. I feel it snake through my body. It's not a good feeling. It's like there is something grabbing me, and trying to pull me away from this world.
Why does this world reject me so? Everything I have done has been an attempt to find a place for myself here. But I am still completely and utterly alone. Will I ever find a way to stay? I am desperately trying to, I truly am. And yet I am still being pulled in deeper and deeper into darkness.
But you know, it's okay. I've done all I can to try. So perhaps the time has finally come to give in. Maybe I really am not meant to remain here. It makes me sad, but I understand. I've become too distorted to remain in such a place.
When I do finally go, how will others feel? Will they hate me for distorting their lives? Will they be able to understand that I could not continue? Will they be able to forgive me?
I suppose none of that really matters in the end. If that is where I am meant to be, then who am I to resist such a fate? If that is to be my end, then I will accept it with open arms.
Still, I cannot help but hope that something will change. But the time for that to occur is growing smaller. And I think that I am too far gone now to be able to actively pursue such changes. I simply do not have the strength to do so anymore. So instead, I will watch and wait, keeping a silent vigil in the hopes that something will happen, that someone will see, and decide to stand by me. It is a selfish wish, especially considering that if someone were to get involved with me it would likely be an enormous emotional burden dealing with someone like me who has felt the pull of death for over a decade.
And yet, I keep resisting. Keep fighting. Keep trying to find some sort of light to guide me out of the shadows. I don't know why. I know it's pointless, and that I will likely die soon anyway. But I desperately want to escape this fate. I don't want it. I want to feel the warmth of the sun, as it tears the cold hands of despair off of me.
And even if I never do, even if I am buried by the blizzard that rages within me, I hope others understand that I always sought the light. I never wanted to hurt any of them. I never wanted any of this to happen. I just don't have a way out.
So if such a fate befalls me, please try to understand that I never wanted it.
