I never thought my life would get to the point I’m truly considering suicide

[NothingElseMatters]

That's so weird, never in my life I hit the rock bottom like I did right now. One single decision can change your life forever, for better or worse.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

That is probably how most people feel when they get to that inevitable point. Some get lucky and die in an accident or in their sleep, but most will get ill and their body will fail them and they will, at some point, wish that they were dead.

 

[faust]

Unfortunately, that's how things work. Sometimes it seems that there is nowhere to fall anymore but every time it can be way worse.
Many decision are tough and situations can be totally different. But all of them have positive or negative impact.
I have done many bad decisions which made my life significantly worse, however, could not even dare to think that it can be so bad.
Bad decisions and bad mental health is a deadly combo.

 

[Blutsager]

Oh, hello there, welcome to our community!.

Yeah, I totally agree. Back on the end of 2019 I was depressed cause my work was beating my ass really hard. Not even close of being suicidal but not ideal. Then it came... I got a new job. Took a while, I posted for so many offers out there but eventually got it. An awesome multinational corporation, renowned for being one of the best working enviroments in the world. No more extra-hours. No more working on the weekends. A higher wage.

I was on that office for only a week, before the quarantine began. I am still employeed, and working for them, from home!. I live with my mom, which whom I have an actually great relationship!. I got a good wage, well at least for my country's standards.

And I received my shipment of SN a month ago. I am prepared, basically. Not planning to do it yet, but I have it just in case. So yeah... dunno what to say.

 

[Pan]

I hear you and feel yr. pain...I never thought the same...now I do,
. I wish my mom were like yours. Instead, my mom is shrewish, childish, a real piece of work in other words. Treasure your mom's, friend, and know you are luckier than others. If

 

[Steve Vermont]

Hello! I know where you are coming from. But if it is one mistake... look. Things can and do change. My advice would be to give it some time.

I live and work in what Donald Trump would call a "shit hole nation". For the past three years I have been increasingly suicidal as it has become clearer that things here are going to get a lot worse, very fast. My job is such that it is hard to get employed in the first place, let alone rehired. Nevertheless, I went back to the job market and ALMOST landed a job in the U.S.

I found out I lost the job for a really, really stupid and avoidable personal mistake.

Imagine my depression. It hit rock bottom. Not only had I blown my chance for a stupid, easily avoidable reason, I lost a chance to get my family out.

Well, a year later... turns out that the job wasn't such a plumb after all. It's already eaten a colleague of mine. Coronavirus set in with a vengeance where it was located. Worse, my partner would have been halfway through their immigration process now and Trump has stopped all immigration. I would be on another continent and they would have no job and be stuck here. This is presuming that I didn't get fired in the first year, at the very least due to being a new hire and CV-19.

Now, I am not saying "Cheer up! Things will get better!" I am still in the shit and still depressed. Still suicidal. (And this site is a HUGE boon to me. Just knowing it exists calms me down. When it went down for a couple of days a couple months ago, I had a panic attack and truly felt that I was on my own. And I hardly ever post here!) What I AM saying is that if it is just one decision that has fucked up your life, odds are it is not quite as fucked up as you think. I know that is cold comfort. I am still in a rapidly disintegrating country and there is no hope on the horizon. But it could have been so very much worse if I hadn't done the stupid thing I was ready to kill myself over a year ago.

There is no rush to kill yourself because death is inevitable. You can always do it tomorrow. At the very least, read up about methods a lot, plan a lot, make dry runs, tie up loose ends. If you are going to do it, try to make as small a mess as possible.

CV-19 has fucked with me because my "clean up" process (making sure everything is all set up for my partner, basically) is now on hold due to the pandemic. So unless I want to leave a huge mess for my partner — aside from the emotional mess I will inevitably leave them — I cannot kill myself now. This has me more anxious than ever.

(By the way, I hate "ctb". Not calling for censoring others, but personally? No euphemisms, please. I don't think I am violating a rule here by calling suicide "suicide", instead of some catchy acronym.)

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Hello! I know where you are coming from. But if it is one mistake... look. Things can and do change. My advice would be to give it some time.

I live and work in what Donald Trump would call a "shit hole nation". For the past three years I have been increasingly suicidal as it has become clearer that things here are going to get a lot worse, very fast. My job is such that it is hard to get employed in the first place, let alone rehired. Nevertheless, I went back to the job market and ALMOST landed a job in the U.S.

I found out I lost the job for a really, really stupid and avoidable personal mistake.

Imagine my depression. It hit rock bottom. Not only had I blown my chance for a stupid, easily avoidable reason, I lost a chance to get my family out.

Well, a year later... turns out that the job wasn't such a plumb after all. It's already eaten a colleague of mine. Coronavirus set in with a vengeance where it was located. Worse, my partner would have been halfway through their immigration process now and Trump has stopped all immigration. I would be on another continent and they would have no job and be stuck here. This is presuming that I didn't get fired in the first year, at the very least due to being a new hire and CV-19.

Now, I am not saying "Cheer up! Things will get better!" I am still in the shit and still depressed. Still suicidal. (And this site is a HUGE boon to me. Just knowing it exists calms me down. When it went down for a couple of days a couple months ago, I had a panic attack and truly felt that I was on my own. And I hardly ever post here!) What I AM saying is that if it is just one decision that has fucked up your life, odds are it is not quite as fucked up as you think. I know that is cold comfort. I am still in a rapidly disintegrating country and there is no hope on the horizon. But it could have been so very much worse if I hadn't done the stupid thing I was ready to kill myself over a year ago.

There is no rush to kill yourself because death is inevitable. You can always do it tomorrow. At the very least, read up about methods a lot, plan a lot, make dry runs, tie up loose ends. If you are going to do it, try to make as small a mess as possible.

CV-19 has fucked with me because my "clean up" process (making sure everything is all set up for my partner, basically) is now on hold due to the pandemic. So unless I want to leave a huge mess for my partner — aside from the emotional mess I will inevitably leave them — I cannot kill myself now. This has me more anxious than ever.

(By the way, I hate "ctb". Not calling for censoring others, but personally? No euphemisms, please. I don't think I am violating a rule here by calling suicide "suicide", instead of some catchy acronym.)

Your post meant a lot to me. It's crazy how things work out... Earlier this year I made what I also thought was a huge mistake. But, like you, it seems to be working out...funny enough, because of the 'rona. Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm glad you're here on this site with us too. We're all in this crap together.

I agree with you on euphemisms. I hate seeing "ctb" but I try to ignore it because a lot of people seem more comfortable using it. But I also prefer to simply call suicide what it is. I dunno. I'm not trying to say I'm superior to euphemism-users lol, sorry.

 

[lofistos345]

Oh, hello there, welcome to our community!.

Yeah, I totally agree. Back on the end of 2019 I was depressed cause my work was beating my ass really hard. Not even close of being suicidal but not ideal. Then it came... I got a new job. Took a while, I posted for so many offers out there but eventually got it. An awesome multinational corporation, renowned for being one of the best working enviroments in the world. No more extra-hours. No more working on the weekends. A higher wage.

I was on that office for only a week, before the quarantine began. I am still employeed, and working for them, from home!. I live with my mom, which whom I have an actually great relationship!. I got a good wage, well at least for my country's standards.

And I received my shipment of SN a month ago. I am prepared, basically. Not planning to do it yet, but I have it just in case. So yeah... dunno what to say.

Oddly enough. I always thought that having a dream job would make me feel better and happy.