Venting I never thought it would be this hard

[Spyro24]

When I joined this site, I was looking for a place where I could talk about my problems. That soon evolved to talking about suicide and eventually ordering SN and meto. About 2 weeks ago, I met someone that goes by the name of asatsuyu. As you're probably aware, asatsuyu took her own life using SN at midnight August 10th.

She was a fantastic person and she will be missed. I still don't really understand why but I respect her decision. I still blame myself for not doing more even though there was nothing more I could have done. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

This has altered my perception of suicide. I'm not against it and I'm still considering it myself but now I know what others feel when they lose someone to suicide. I never thought it would be this hard and I'm struggling very hard just to understand what actually happened. I almost threw up multiple times. I keep checking to see if she is online when the chance of that happening is essentially zero. I keep checking the news to see if something pops up but nothing. I barely knew her yet it feels like I've known her for a long time.

I don't know what's next for me...

 

[FuneralCry]

The way that I see it, losing someone can be painful but after all, death and loss are inevitable in a life like this. All those who are gone cannot suffer anymore and they found freedom from what they had to endure. Rest in peace, all those who have left this world.

 

[nys]

I understand that. Even though I definitely want to ctb and I'm not a pro-lifer anymore, whenever I see goodbye threads on here, even if it's from someone I never met, I wish I could do something to change their mind and make them want to live. I don't do this though, because I know that my opinion won't change their minds and I also respect their right to ctb.

Since they have the freedom to ctb if they want, I don't want to try to change their mind. Usually when people ctb, there was no other option for them to end their problems, so while it's sad that their life ended like that, I also trust that it was the right decision for them, since they knew what was best for themselves and they understand their own situation better than I do

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I understand that. Even though I definitely want to ctb and I'm not a pro-lifer anymore, whenever I see goodbye threads on here, even if it's from someone I never met, I wish I could do something to change their mind and make them want to live. I don't do this though, because I know that my opinion won't change their minds and I also respect their right to ctb.

You put it very well here. If it was possible I would like to save everybody but that simply isn't possible and I suppose someone's personal agency supercedes what I want from them and what I want out of them. I respect their decision.

 

[Doombox]

That's one thing this site does, is give us a taste of what it's like on the other side. I still think about the young man who was the first one I felt I got to know just a little bit here who calmly ctb. I think many of us bear the pain of witnessing the successful goodbye threads.

 

[1000winds]

whenever i see a goodbye thread, i always wonder how cornered the individual must have felt and it breaks my heart!! i am just in the planning part of my ctb and i feel so cornered so for someone to do it, it tells me how unbearable their situation must have been and i find myself mourning for strangers i dont even know!! not because i dont want them to ctb but it tears me up when i try to imagine the pain the must have been in.

 

[hellispink]

Goodbyes are the ultimate punishment and torture of being alive

 

[Astronauta]

sempre que vejo um tópico de despedida, sempre me pergunto o quão encurralado o indivíduo deve ter se sentido e isso parte meu coração!! eu estou apenas na parte de planejamento do meu ctb e me sinto tão encurralado, então para alguém fazer isso, isso me diz o quão insuportável sua situação deve ter sido e eu me vejo de luto por estranhos que eu nem conheço!! não porque eu não quero que eles façam ctb, mas me rasga quando tento imaginar a dor que deve ter sentido.

Também fico refletindo sobre isso! O que fez com que chegasse até aqui...