eleanora
in the winter of my life
- Apr 7, 2023
- 10
Hey, it's my first time making a thread here and I'm nervous about messing it up or something. I'm also still crying as I type this.
I'm only 18, but I've already experienced more sadness than I could handle. It feels wrong for me to be 18, I was sure I'd end my life before I will reach adulthood, I still feel as vulnerable as a little kid, yet still I had to be mature most of the time I've been here. I'm in one of the most stressful periods of my life, I'm few weeks away from my final exams that will define my future. I was always an average student, but my mother strongly believed that I'm more intelligent than average, so she invested a lot of money in private lessons for me to 'reach my full potential'. It worked in elementary and middle school, always had GPA above 4,75, so it made her believe I'm really smart. It's not true. Now in my final year, I'm doing poorly. I have bad grades, mock exams show I'm not the best.
My father died when I was little. It's absolutely making me feel fucking miserable to know that I will never get to speak to him. I will never feel a hug from him again. I will never be able to get advice from him or cry in his arms. I will never even know how his voice sounded like since there is no recordings. I was baptised, I used to believe in God and afterlife, but now I don't. I will never see my dad.
My family tells me I am similar to him in interests and attitude. He sounds like a person that would really be my best friend in this world, but he is gone forever.
My mother and I have very complicated relationship. She was growing up in abusive household and now she does similar things to me since I was little. I know she loves me, but it's so fucking hard to take it. On some days she can be nice and on days like today she is verbally abusive, screaming and yelling, telling me such disgusting insults that I just can't take them. How can she tell me I look like a whore or that I'm worthless? Or that I'm a disappointment that will never be independent? And then try to hug me an hour later? Or morning after act like nothing happened? It's been going on like this for my entire life, it left me really fucked up. She even used to hit me, she still threatens violence. When I was a kid I tried to run away. I've had suicide ideation since I was like 10. I used to pray to God to kill me.
My mom was also through cancer, she almost died. I love her and I know she loves me, but it's too hard. I wish I was never born. Or that someone else could replace me, someone that could live up to her expectations, someone that could make her happy. She tells me it's my fault she never found a man after my dad died, because as a kid I told her I don't want 'a new dad'. Everything I do or say is wrong. Her relations with rest of our family aren't best too.
I can't get over the fact that if my dad lived, we would have a normal life. But he is dead. If God existed, why did he take away my dad? just why
I'm sorry that this post became so long, but I can't openly talk about this with anyone. Feels like everyone is preaching toxic positivity. Everyone told me in elementary school that it will get better in middle school. In middle school they told me high school will be amazing. Now they say that university will be for sure good. I don't believe in this anymore.
Even if I graduate, get a decent job and all that, I will still live with this guilt about my mom. That I didn't make her happy. She had a rough life and I made it even worse.
I also want to isolate from society completely. I haven't seen my irl friends in over half a year. My boyfriend lives far away and we can't meet up during school year, but it's for better honestly. He is one of people who just can't relate to my feelings. His family is loving and supportive.
Thought of summer holidays coming doesn't make me happy. I just want to finally rest, but I don't have the guts to ctb.
My mother openly told me that she will kill herself if I ever die.
I so fucking wish I was never born.
Thank you for reading this vent and to each of you who is struggling with their family relationships, I feel you and I'm sending you hugs. This is hell
I'm only 18, but I've already experienced more sadness than I could handle. It feels wrong for me to be 18, I was sure I'd end my life before I will reach adulthood, I still feel as vulnerable as a little kid, yet still I had to be mature most of the time I've been here. I'm in one of the most stressful periods of my life, I'm few weeks away from my final exams that will define my future. I was always an average student, but my mother strongly believed that I'm more intelligent than average, so she invested a lot of money in private lessons for me to 'reach my full potential'. It worked in elementary and middle school, always had GPA above 4,75, so it made her believe I'm really smart. It's not true. Now in my final year, I'm doing poorly. I have bad grades, mock exams show I'm not the best.
My father died when I was little. It's absolutely making me feel fucking miserable to know that I will never get to speak to him. I will never feel a hug from him again. I will never be able to get advice from him or cry in his arms. I will never even know how his voice sounded like since there is no recordings. I was baptised, I used to believe in God and afterlife, but now I don't. I will never see my dad.
My family tells me I am similar to him in interests and attitude. He sounds like a person that would really be my best friend in this world, but he is gone forever.
My mother and I have very complicated relationship. She was growing up in abusive household and now she does similar things to me since I was little. I know she loves me, but it's so fucking hard to take it. On some days she can be nice and on days like today she is verbally abusive, screaming and yelling, telling me such disgusting insults that I just can't take them. How can she tell me I look like a whore or that I'm worthless? Or that I'm a disappointment that will never be independent? And then try to hug me an hour later? Or morning after act like nothing happened? It's been going on like this for my entire life, it left me really fucked up. She even used to hit me, she still threatens violence. When I was a kid I tried to run away. I've had suicide ideation since I was like 10. I used to pray to God to kill me.
My mom was also through cancer, she almost died. I love her and I know she loves me, but it's too hard. I wish I was never born. Or that someone else could replace me, someone that could live up to her expectations, someone that could make her happy. She tells me it's my fault she never found a man after my dad died, because as a kid I told her I don't want 'a new dad'. Everything I do or say is wrong. Her relations with rest of our family aren't best too.
I can't get over the fact that if my dad lived, we would have a normal life. But he is dead. If God existed, why did he take away my dad? just why
I'm sorry that this post became so long, but I can't openly talk about this with anyone. Feels like everyone is preaching toxic positivity. Everyone told me in elementary school that it will get better in middle school. In middle school they told me high school will be amazing. Now they say that university will be for sure good. I don't believe in this anymore.
Even if I graduate, get a decent job and all that, I will still live with this guilt about my mom. That I didn't make her happy. She had a rough life and I made it even worse.
I also want to isolate from society completely. I haven't seen my irl friends in over half a year. My boyfriend lives far away and we can't meet up during school year, but it's for better honestly. He is one of people who just can't relate to my feelings. His family is loving and supportive.
Thought of summer holidays coming doesn't make me happy. I just want to finally rest, but I don't have the guts to ctb.
My mother openly told me that she will kill herself if I ever die.
I so fucking wish I was never born.
Thank you for reading this vent and to each of you who is struggling with their family relationships, I feel you and I'm sending you hugs. This is hell
