renichi
New Member
- Jul 15, 2025
- 2
I grew up my whole life with the thought that I was never enough, and my mother never wanted to take care of me. she left me with my grandmother, and until I was 11, I rarely saw mother. I got in the way of her personal life. I was also a very sick child (I was born in the 7th month of pregnancy and have had low immunity and poor health my whole life). later, she hurt my grandmother so badly that she left, and we didn't see each other for years. that's when I started living with my mother.
from that day on, I began hearing every day how stupid, useless, and lazy I was.
I graduated school with honors. she didn't say she was proud of me — she just said, "I didn't expect that from you." and then she started comparing me to my stepfather's nephew, saying how talented he is and how, in addition to graduating with honors, he had many academic achievements.
I had trouble getting into university because I studied at a school with only a humanities track. I begged her to transfer me to another school, but she refused. so my biology and chemistry exam scores were decent but not as good as they could have been if I hadn't been forced to study a massive amount of useless humanities content. on top of that, she wouldn't let me attend any extra classes or courses. "everything you need is in your school textbooks" (In the upper grades, we had only one biology class per week, and no chemistry at all.)
she said, "ppl like your stepfather's nephew deserve to go to prestigious universities — not you. You're not as hardworking as they are."
still, I got into university — but I couldn't keep studying. the whole year, she wore me down, and I was completely exhausted. I enrolled in 2023 and studied until 2024. during that time, she caused me constant sleep deprivation. she went on about 13 drinking binges, during which I had to take care of her and the entire household, she and my brother nearly burned me alive (they had a fight, and my brother poured gasoline around our home and stood there with a lighter while I was on my knees, crying and begging him not to do it). and despite all that, I was still told every day how useless and pathetic I was — even though I cleaned the house every week.I suffered from constant abuse and did not always have the opportunity to simply eat and sleep
eventually, I just couldn't go to university anymore. I realized I couldn't do my assignments or even get up in the morning. my academic performance dropped, and in the end, I dropped out. she hated me for it when she found out (I hid it as long as I could). she called me a liar and a traitor. she said I didn't appreciate her and said many hurtful things.
I tried to explain it was because of my health, but she called me a faker. (my physical health is extremely poor, and there's no point even trying to discuss mental health with her.)
so from 2024 to 2025, I haven't been studying. I wanted to work, but I couldn't. most of the time, I've just been rotting in bed. at first, I got treatment. I took antidepressants and went to therapy, but I soon ran out of money. after two months, I sold some of my belongings and started taking medication again. I still take it daily.
but I'll run out soon, and I can't afford more. Still, it's fine — I'll die soon anyway.
I was forced to retake my exams and apply to university again. I did all of that. there's a 90% chance I'll get in and a 100% chance I won't be able to handle studying there.
I feel worse than I've ever felt. over the past few months, I've lost 7–8 kg, I'm underweight, and I'm in constant pain. I can't eat. I can barely sleep. I'm so exhausted that I can't walk for more than 10 minutes, and I use a cane. I'm dizzy all the time and have frequent nosebleeds. every time I go outside, I get sick and stay sick for a week.
my cognitive abilities have also sharply declined, and I'm deeply apathetic. I know I won't be able to study at university — but I'm not allowed to make any other choice.
and that's just one more reason why I should die. I will never be enough. I will never see pride in my family's eyes. I will always be a disappointment. I will never be worthy of their love.
I hate myself so much and want to die. I know that everyone would've been better off if I had died as a child. I hate myself — I'm just a waste of resources.
she didn't want me to be born, she said she wanted to have an abortion. she often says that "my existence is a punishment for her." all that matters to her is my stepfather. he smokes weed and I start having severe allergic attacks, but she doesn't care. she doesn't really care about me as long as I fulfill my functions as a "good child." I will never receive motherly love. I haven't seen my father for 15 years, and my stepfather doesn't care about me. I don't know. I regret being born and living. I will never fill the void that I have. It's just a small piece of life. during all this time, I've experienced much more, from SA to bullying. I can't live like this. I hate my life and this hell will never end. I'm sorry that I was born and caused her so much harm that she hates me.
I hate myself I need to kms
from that day on, I began hearing every day how stupid, useless, and lazy I was.
I graduated school with honors. she didn't say she was proud of me — she just said, "I didn't expect that from you." and then she started comparing me to my stepfather's nephew, saying how talented he is and how, in addition to graduating with honors, he had many academic achievements.
I had trouble getting into university because I studied at a school with only a humanities track. I begged her to transfer me to another school, but she refused. so my biology and chemistry exam scores were decent but not as good as they could have been if I hadn't been forced to study a massive amount of useless humanities content. on top of that, she wouldn't let me attend any extra classes or courses. "everything you need is in your school textbooks" (In the upper grades, we had only one biology class per week, and no chemistry at all.)
she said, "ppl like your stepfather's nephew deserve to go to prestigious universities — not you. You're not as hardworking as they are."
still, I got into university — but I couldn't keep studying. the whole year, she wore me down, and I was completely exhausted. I enrolled in 2023 and studied until 2024. during that time, she caused me constant sleep deprivation. she went on about 13 drinking binges, during which I had to take care of her and the entire household, she and my brother nearly burned me alive (they had a fight, and my brother poured gasoline around our home and stood there with a lighter while I was on my knees, crying and begging him not to do it). and despite all that, I was still told every day how useless and pathetic I was — even though I cleaned the house every week.I suffered from constant abuse and did not always have the opportunity to simply eat and sleep
eventually, I just couldn't go to university anymore. I realized I couldn't do my assignments or even get up in the morning. my academic performance dropped, and in the end, I dropped out. she hated me for it when she found out (I hid it as long as I could). she called me a liar and a traitor. she said I didn't appreciate her and said many hurtful things.
I tried to explain it was because of my health, but she called me a faker. (my physical health is extremely poor, and there's no point even trying to discuss mental health with her.)
so from 2024 to 2025, I haven't been studying. I wanted to work, but I couldn't. most of the time, I've just been rotting in bed. at first, I got treatment. I took antidepressants and went to therapy, but I soon ran out of money. after two months, I sold some of my belongings and started taking medication again. I still take it daily.
but I'll run out soon, and I can't afford more. Still, it's fine — I'll die soon anyway.
I was forced to retake my exams and apply to university again. I did all of that. there's a 90% chance I'll get in and a 100% chance I won't be able to handle studying there.
I feel worse than I've ever felt. over the past few months, I've lost 7–8 kg, I'm underweight, and I'm in constant pain. I can't eat. I can barely sleep. I'm so exhausted that I can't walk for more than 10 minutes, and I use a cane. I'm dizzy all the time and have frequent nosebleeds. every time I go outside, I get sick and stay sick for a week.
my cognitive abilities have also sharply declined, and I'm deeply apathetic. I know I won't be able to study at university — but I'm not allowed to make any other choice.
and that's just one more reason why I should die. I will never be enough. I will never see pride in my family's eyes. I will always be a disappointment. I will never be worthy of their love.
I hate myself so much and want to die. I know that everyone would've been better off if I had died as a child. I hate myself — I'm just a waste of resources.
she didn't want me to be born, she said she wanted to have an abortion. she often says that "my existence is a punishment for her." all that matters to her is my stepfather. he smokes weed and I start having severe allergic attacks, but she doesn't care. she doesn't really care about me as long as I fulfill my functions as a "good child." I will never receive motherly love. I haven't seen my father for 15 years, and my stepfather doesn't care about me. I don't know. I regret being born and living. I will never fill the void that I have. It's just a small piece of life. during all this time, I've experienced much more, from SA to bullying. I can't live like this. I hate my life and this hell will never end. I'm sorry that I was born and caused her so much harm that she hates me.
I hate myself I need to kms
