this might be a long post so tldr: i got into my first close friendship, fell in love with him after being fwb with him, and now he cares about me deeply without any romantic feelings
I had a pretty shitty childhood. My doctor who was treating me for free because we didn't have any money groped me while my dad laughed, I lived in constant fear of my parents' anger, and I had to deal with fundamentalist Christian bullshit and conspiracy theories that still makes me question all of reality sometimes. It made it really hard to have any close friendships—I had friends, but no one I could tell anything to. That's not everything, but it's enough for this story I suppose.
That changed once I got to college. I got into a really close (platonic) relationship almost immediately, with a friend in an improv troupe. I spent a lot of fucking time with him and we told each other almost everything, I cried to him (which I hadn't done in front of anyone before) and I really relied on him as my only support. I knew having just one person is a terrible idea and I tried to reach out to other people, but it just wasn't the same. He understood me better than anyone else, full stop. After a particularly emotional night, I asked him to kiss me and he did, and eventually one thing led to another and we started hooking up regularly.
It's the closest thing to a serious romantic relationship I've ever been in. I mean, we held hands, he kissed me goodbye, we slept in the same bed naked together, curled up in each other's arms, and we told each other the most we've ever told anyone. He still says I'm the only one who knows this much about him even now. And the sex was great. We were really compatible. But the whole time, it was unofficial because our improv group has a rule against intra-group dating and because he was a senior and I was a freshman. I hooked up with other people, he hooked up with other people. I don't know how he felt about the non exclusivity but it sure hurt me like hell.
It ended last week. He doesn't want to have sex with me anymore but still wants to remain friends, and the emotional intimacy we have without the physical intimacy kind of hurts. I can't be enough for him. A few days ago, in a pms mess and antidepressants that worked in the opposite direction, I lashed out at him worse than I ever had and I even tried to kiss him. It was a comfort when we were "together" and I wanted to see if he still kind of wanted to and if not I wanted to see that I was a bad person so I could just kill myself, but he dodged it altogether. It drove me into this wild panic attack, and I tried to kill myself in front of him multiple times, he had to physically restrain me for half an hour to make sure I didn't scratch my wrist to death. He still cares about me deeply, which I know, but it still doesn't make it hurt less that I'm not enough for him.
With the guilt of having tried to assault the only person that I've ever been close to, I haven't been doing very good. He's forgiven me because he's a good person, but I still haven't forgiven myself. I feel like shit. I kind of fake it to make sure he doesn't worry too much, but I just feel awful. I told him basically this post and he said he felt the same way at the time, but not anymore and that he wanted to progress in this friendship without the previous physical aspect. I really respect that, but I can't do it anymore. I know we weren't really together but it felt like we were and now it feels like we've broken up but hes still trying to be best friends.
I don't know what to do other than kill myself, being honest. I never wanted to be the person who killed themselves after some romantic mishap, but I always did think I should commit suicide anyhow so. If this is the way I go, this is how I go I guess.
I had a pretty shitty childhood. My doctor who was treating me for free because we didn't have any money groped me while my dad laughed, I lived in constant fear of my parents' anger, and I had to deal with fundamentalist Christian bullshit and conspiracy theories that still makes me question all of reality sometimes. It made it really hard to have any close friendships—I had friends, but no one I could tell anything to. That's not everything, but it's enough for this story I suppose.
That changed once I got to college. I got into a really close (platonic) relationship almost immediately, with a friend in an improv troupe. I spent a lot of fucking time with him and we told each other almost everything, I cried to him (which I hadn't done in front of anyone before) and I really relied on him as my only support. I knew having just one person is a terrible idea and I tried to reach out to other people, but it just wasn't the same. He understood me better than anyone else, full stop. After a particularly emotional night, I asked him to kiss me and he did, and eventually one thing led to another and we started hooking up regularly.
It's the closest thing to a serious romantic relationship I've ever been in. I mean, we held hands, he kissed me goodbye, we slept in the same bed naked together, curled up in each other's arms, and we told each other the most we've ever told anyone. He still says I'm the only one who knows this much about him even now. And the sex was great. We were really compatible. But the whole time, it was unofficial because our improv group has a rule against intra-group dating and because he was a senior and I was a freshman. I hooked up with other people, he hooked up with other people. I don't know how he felt about the non exclusivity but it sure hurt me like hell.
It ended last week. He doesn't want to have sex with me anymore but still wants to remain friends, and the emotional intimacy we have without the physical intimacy kind of hurts. I can't be enough for him. A few days ago, in a pms mess and antidepressants that worked in the opposite direction, I lashed out at him worse than I ever had and I even tried to kiss him. It was a comfort when we were "together" and I wanted to see if he still kind of wanted to and if not I wanted to see that I was a bad person so I could just kill myself, but he dodged it altogether. It drove me into this wild panic attack, and I tried to kill myself in front of him multiple times, he had to physically restrain me for half an hour to make sure I didn't scratch my wrist to death. He still cares about me deeply, which I know, but it still doesn't make it hurt less that I'm not enough for him.
With the guilt of having tried to assault the only person that I've ever been close to, I haven't been doing very good. He's forgiven me because he's a good person, but I still haven't forgiven myself. I feel like shit. I kind of fake it to make sure he doesn't worry too much, but I just feel awful. I told him basically this post and he said he felt the same way at the time, but not anymore and that he wanted to progress in this friendship without the previous physical aspect. I really respect that, but I can't do it anymore. I know we weren't really together but it felt like we were and now it feels like we've broken up but hes still trying to be best friends.
I don't know what to do other than kill myself, being honest. I never wanted to be the person who killed themselves after some romantic mishap, but I always did think I should commit suicide anyhow so. If this is the way I go, this is how I go I guess.
