Venting I need to share my thoughts

[br0kenMIND72]

Hi, first of all english is my secondery language to please go easy on me.
I want to talk about my life because I just need to... I remeber early days of my childhood and it was great back then! Really, I had friends and we were hanging out with each other and what is most important I was just happy. Everything went south when I found out that my parents are actually alcoholics but not full time ones I mean they did drink for some periods of time repetitively and that was enough to me to fall emotionally (I think that's right term). Basically back then they were drunk and didn't care for me, I had older brothers with me but to be honest they were just stupid, they even couldn't cook so I was just there, crying in room, hungry, without any money to buy food on my own because I was like 7 or 8? I feel like my mind has changed since then, in negative way... When my parents 'healed' I tried to just forget and move on but It happened too many times and too many bad things (no rape don't worry). I want to get to the point when I thought that bad days (and thougts) are gone (end or primary school) my drunky parents completely embarrassed in front of my new friend and that was the moment I gave up or I was completly broken and then I came up with my plan for life. My plan was to not caring about anything and kill myself in the future. In middle school I felt very introverted and isolated from others, they were happy I was not. There was a girl who literaly was my 'girl of my dreams' and I was so low self-esteem I couldn't even talk to her and even to this day I think about her (now I'm 22 and that was like 10 years ago or so). In middle school I was so fortunate that I made a true friend but sadly he died 2 years ago and that was my only friend. After finishing technical school (something like high school but one year longer) 3 years ago I just sit at home and I play games most of the time, games are the only thing that kept me from suicide, I never had any job, never drove a car and literally I hugged one girl once and that was maybe 12 years ago. I just don't care about anything and my state of mind is getting worse lately and I am considering buying SN (I am surprised it is so cheap, 100g cost like bag of chips) but real problem starts with getting anitemetics.. I just I don't know if I really want to die or I am just weak, and full of pain. Everyday I'm thinking about ending my life and when I want to take an action like buying SN something tells me to stop, maybe survival instinct are kicking in. Maybe I just feel lost, with no real friends on my side, no skills and sometimes I just feel retarted like I feel so much pain in my mind I can't absorb new information. I really don't know what to do and if You've read this, thank you!

 

[S1mpleme]

Of course you can buy SN but it doesn't mean you have to take it, right? So you're into games, at least something keeps you alive. Do you live with your parents? Where are you from if you don't mind me to ask?

 

[br0kenMIND72]

Do you live with your parents? Where are you from if you don't mind me to ask?

Yes and I feel like a ghost, not feeling any connection with my family and I am from Poland.

 

[S1mpleme]

Well, I understand you and for some reason I knew you're from Poland (that's why I asked). What would like to do besides CTB?

 

[br0kenMIND72]

What would like to do besides CTB?

That's the thing, I don't know. I feel like I'm in this loop, when I think about life - nothing make sense, when I think about suicide well... I think I would like to do that in the future, I have no idea how long I will be like this, no strength to live. Probably I need some sleep now, I like to think that sleeping is like being dead, you just... sleep.

 

[Sensei]

I think the reason that you hesitate to prepare for suicide is that deep inside you know that it probably is possible to solve your problems. I think your first step to get out of this situation is to look for a job. The umemployment rate is low in Poland if I understand the statistics correctly. If you can get a job, you can find an own place to live. A change of environment can make it easier to get new friends and perhaps meet a girl. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it's certainly doable.

BTW, is your avatar an ensō?

 

[S1mpleme]

I think the reason that you hesitate to prepare for suicide is that deep inside you know that it probably is possible to solve your problems. I think your first step to get out of this situation is to look for a job. The umemployment rate is low in Poland if I understand the statistics correctly. If you can get a job, you can find an own place to live. A change of environment can make it easier to get new friends and perhaps meet a girl. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but it's certainly doable.

BTW, is your avatar an ensō?

I do have my own place. Didn't work for me.

 

[Sensei]

I do have my own place. Didn't work for me.

Well, I know people who have managed to start all over like that. There are of course no guarantees that it will work, but I'm quite sure the OP's situation won't change if they continue like this.

 

[br0kenMIND72]

BTW, is your avatar an ensō?

It's snake Uroboros who bites his tail and personally I think I keep going in circles and everytime I'm less myself.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. As for CTB, I believe it is partly due to self preservation and SI that is keeping you from going through. Then again, keep in mind that once you CTB, there is no undo or going back so if you are still hesitant about it, then maybe you aren't 100% ready to go. Either way, I wish you peace in whatever decision you choose, whether it is to give life another chance or to CTB.

 

[make1wish]

I bet once you start talking about this you'll feel better and be able to socialize in the ways you want to, if this is the path you want for yourself...
Thank you for posting brokenmind72 :)